BlackRose
May 30, 2004, 02:04 AM
You know, that kind of frustrated rage that makes you want to break whatever's causing it. Smash it to pieces with some kind of brute force. Well, I'm full of it.
Only I can cause myself this anger. I don't think I'll ever be as attached to anything as I am to myself. Unfortunately. Because it only takes one tiny frustration, one tiny failure, one game over, and it begins. I notice it right away, the sudden blank of mind, the involuntary gasp... and then it's impossible to stop. Because I hate this feeling; it causes me to destroy the things I build. It's not possible that this physical rage would accomplish anything towards what I want (usually) and yet I'm powerless to stop it. It's the ultimate primitive feeling, it shows that I'm an animal, not a human. But as soon as it begins, I can only let it run it's course. Because I hate it so much, if I think about the rage it only builds more.
I managed some time ago to always point the rage at myself, instead of at the inert object that was "causing it." At first that meant flexing a bunch of muscles. But now, it's grown a bit. Earlier tonight I got owned by some dude in ninja gaiden. And rationally, it wasn't so bad... I know I can beat it because I have before. I could've taken a breath, calmed down, and tried again. But I didn't, there wasn't time. Before I knew it, my head was knocked back with the front of the controller. And again. And again. The sight of blood on the thing shocked me out of my haze, and I realized what I had done, even though I knew all along. Now came the rational, mental rage at myself for being such a dumbass. I beat myself with a fucking controller. Over a video game! I mean, what the fuck!? Why do I always do this? Why do I still act like a child? Don't I ever learn!? I epitomize stupid!
I don't know what to do about it, really. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't really "fix" things, it just teaches me to live with myself. I ask myself, Do I want to live with myself? The answer is no. Suicide passes through my head often, and probably the only reason I haven't tried is because I'm so unsure of myself. I drive down the street wishing some freak accident would throw me off a bridge, or smash me into the tarmac, or whatever... so that I could save my family the shame of having me kill myself. I don't think they'd understand. I think they'd blame themselves, and who knows, maybe I do get this from my childhood.
I'm not sure how many, if any of you care about it. I've taught myself that I can't be sure of anything anymore, even though it's completely unfair to those who do care about me. I'm not even sure why I decided to write all this now. Probably my subconscious is telling me to post it so that I can win all your love through pity. Well, pity me if you like. I just want someone who can truthfully tell me that they don't think I'm the crazy, primitive monkey that I think I am. Don't feel you have to though, I can definetely understand the "blackrose is a fucktard" point of view. It might be pitiful, but you people of this forum are a big part of my life, whether you like it or not and whether you like me or not. Thank you. Even if you just clicked the thread and left when you saw it was long and not funny. Goodnight.
Jack.
Only I can cause myself this anger. I don't think I'll ever be as attached to anything as I am to myself. Unfortunately. Because it only takes one tiny frustration, one tiny failure, one game over, and it begins. I notice it right away, the sudden blank of mind, the involuntary gasp... and then it's impossible to stop. Because I hate this feeling; it causes me to destroy the things I build. It's not possible that this physical rage would accomplish anything towards what I want (usually) and yet I'm powerless to stop it. It's the ultimate primitive feeling, it shows that I'm an animal, not a human. But as soon as it begins, I can only let it run it's course. Because I hate it so much, if I think about the rage it only builds more.
I managed some time ago to always point the rage at myself, instead of at the inert object that was "causing it." At first that meant flexing a bunch of muscles. But now, it's grown a bit. Earlier tonight I got owned by some dude in ninja gaiden. And rationally, it wasn't so bad... I know I can beat it because I have before. I could've taken a breath, calmed down, and tried again. But I didn't, there wasn't time. Before I knew it, my head was knocked back with the front of the controller. And again. And again. The sight of blood on the thing shocked me out of my haze, and I realized what I had done, even though I knew all along. Now came the rational, mental rage at myself for being such a dumbass. I beat myself with a fucking controller. Over a video game! I mean, what the fuck!? Why do I always do this? Why do I still act like a child? Don't I ever learn!? I epitomize stupid!
I don't know what to do about it, really. I'm in therapy, but it doesn't really "fix" things, it just teaches me to live with myself. I ask myself, Do I want to live with myself? The answer is no. Suicide passes through my head often, and probably the only reason I haven't tried is because I'm so unsure of myself. I drive down the street wishing some freak accident would throw me off a bridge, or smash me into the tarmac, or whatever... so that I could save my family the shame of having me kill myself. I don't think they'd understand. I think they'd blame themselves, and who knows, maybe I do get this from my childhood.
I'm not sure how many, if any of you care about it. I've taught myself that I can't be sure of anything anymore, even though it's completely unfair to those who do care about me. I'm not even sure why I decided to write all this now. Probably my subconscious is telling me to post it so that I can win all your love through pity. Well, pity me if you like. I just want someone who can truthfully tell me that they don't think I'm the crazy, primitive monkey that I think I am. Don't feel you have to though, I can definetely understand the "blackrose is a fucktard" point of view. It might be pitiful, but you people of this forum are a big part of my life, whether you like it or not and whether you like me or not. Thank you. Even if you just clicked the thread and left when you saw it was long and not funny. Goodnight.
Jack.