FanFic: Kill Brad Part One

[DementorsKiss]

Interesting fact about story title: Brad was the name of the first guy who ever did me wrong, and I despise him so much that I'll use him as the enemy in this story. (Watch out guys!) Oh yeah and I really liked Kill Bill blah blah Uma Thurman is so pretty blah blah wish I looked like her blah blah feel sorry for Gogo though...
Okay. How about I just shut up and start posting the story here now...since I've blabbed on though I'll put it on a different post in this same thread. It is 2:43 am and I need sleep. Read and review!

[DementorsKiss]

Warning: cursing words. This story is NOT FCC friendly. Please put young children and angry conservatives to bed...NOW.
KILL BRADLEY
Chapter One: Numbness
and this is partly a parody of Kill Bill, a movie that is well worth parody. I'm also making up the timeline...A.E. stands for After Earth as you might know after having seen that POS movie Titan A.E. Since all you ever SEE of Pioneer 2 in the game is just the part with the stores, transporter, et al, I am also making up the rest of it. Imagination is good. I've also done some formatting changes to hopefully make this a bit easier to read...

The Pioneer 2 Wedding Chapel was in a shambles. The large chapel stood in Residential Area 1-A, the ritzy part of the ship, its walls painted virginal white and every shingle gleaming with small flecks of photon. That's right, photon in the roof. Such is how the upper class of Pioneer 2 chooses to live their lives. Inside the chapel, the entire party was waiting for the arrival of the bride, the six-months-pregnant eighteen-year-old Emi Shiratori, forced to marry the last man she had sex with because of her uptight parents. Because she was allowed free reign over everything due to the fact that she was very against this marriage (and wanting to have an abortion), Emi was dressed in a black wedding dress with a black veil, big poufy sleeves, and a tiered skirt with no train. Inside her dressing room, her sister Mami stood there, dressed in her black bridesmaid dress.

"I don't want to do this," Emi whined for the seven hundredth time.

"I know, Emi," Mami replied, wiping her sister's eyes. "You're smearing your mascara." Emi sniffled and looked in the mirror to make sure her dyed pink hair was showing. "Here, just one last touch up and you'll be ready to go. I'll come with you." Mami swooped Emi's eyes with mascara and smiled as she eyed herself in the mirror. At her request, she did not have any blush or bronzer on, but powder was applied to show off how gorgeous her porcelain doll skin was. Having been born on Pioneer 2 and never seen the sunlight Ragol was rumored to experience, she was as pale as the day she was born, but the black of her dress showed herself off well.

Outside, standing at the altar waiting for her, was the man she was expected to marry, Eiichi Onikura, the man Emi neither loved nor wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Her relations with him were limited to having a one-night stand with him after too much to drink, and she felt no attraction to him. Mami squeezed her hand tight as the two left her dressing room and she switched off with her and Emi's dad so that she could be escorted down the aisle as the wedding march played, sounding more to Emi like a death march. As she walked down the aisle, her hand holding on to her father's arm, she looked out at the people who were smiling and genuinely happy that she was getting married, although she heard too many whispers about her choice of attire to be comfortable with. An uncomfortable stomach cramp followed and she knew that even her unborn child was opposed to this union as she arrived at the altar.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of Mister Eiichi Onikura and Miss Emi Shiratori," the pastor, a balding old man, began. Eiichi looked over at Emi and grinned, the same way he grinned back in the bar when she was washing away her sorrows. The words the pastor said started to fade into one long and jumbled sentence as Emi looked out at the audience, truly feeling like she was going to be sick. Instead, she placed a hand on her pregnant stomach and tried to concentrate on her child instead of how she felt.

"If anyone is opposed to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"I am!" a male voice shouted, and Emi perked up, recognizing the voice as Bradley Summers walked into the sanctuary, flanked by four people, two men and two women.

"Brad..." Emi whispered, still holding her stomach. Although the paternity test results didn't come back in time for the wedding because of the anniversary of the Pioneer 1 tragedy, Emi knew for sure that the baby was Brad's, her high school sweetheart's, and the man she truly wanted to marry. "Kayoko...Monette...Sam...Keito, you five came to save me," she whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I oppose this motherfucking union!" Brad shouted so loud that the entire audience heard, although there were only about fifty people in attendance. "And I oppose all of you!" He took out a Sig Sauer .49mm and clicked off the safety, and all the women screamed, including Emi. The two females flanking him suddenly unsheathed actual metal, not photon, swords and the two men held guns as well. He snapped his fingers and the men began to fire, bullets blasting through people and around the walls before falling to the floor. The women started to take care of anyone else, and Brad advanced on Emi and Eiichi. Brad scowled, then emptied a few bullets into both the pastor and Eiichi's heads before turning to Emi, holding out his gun. She whimpered and crouched down, careful with her stomach.

"Emi," he said to her. "How could you?"

"It's not my fault! It was my parents...who are now dead...they wanted me to marry him, the results didn't come back in time, please just spare me, Brad, please, spare me and our child..." Emi pleaded, hand instinctively wrapped around waist.

"Our? Bullshit! You slept with Eiichi six months ago, do you think I can't do math?" Brad twitched slightly, a nervous tic he did whenever he was mad.

"I also slept with you last six months ago. And I meant it--MAMI!!!" Emi screamed as her sister's throat was needlessly slashed by Monette, the woman Emi once called 'friend' and 'coworker'.

"You meant nothing, you fucking harlot," Brad insisted. "Monette! Kayoko! Keito! Sam! They're all dead, come here!" The four were quick to oblige and returned to Brad's side. Emi looked up and saw that the entire church sanctuary was littered with corpses and people begging for the pain to end. Even the pristine walls and stained-glass images were splattered with blood. Kayoko and Monette pointed their swords at her, while Keito and Sam pointed their guns. However, Brad raised his right ring finger and wiggled it slightly, then the four dropped their weapons. Kayoko bent down to help her stand up.

"Wh-what's going on?" she asked, but before anyone answered, Kayoko slugged her in the face and she fell back down, where Keito and Sam proceeded to kick the daylights out of her, and every kick brought forth a scream of pain from her. Kayoko helped Emi up once more and began to mercilessly punch her, when Monette leapt up into the air and her foot landed squarely in her's face, sending her to the ground.

"She's out, sir," Monette reported as the five stood above her body, but she was lying as Emi was just pretending to be unconscious. "We'll wait for you outside." With that, the four disappeared, leaving Brad and Emi the only ones alive in the church.

"Brad," Emi said in a whisper, as Kayoko punched her in the throat and now it hurt to speak. Both her eyes were black and one wasn't even opening. She felt excruciating pain all over, but feared most for the life of her baby. "W-why..."

"You...and everyone else...you deserved it," Brad said with a smile and a snicker. "Now go to sleep, Emi." He placed the still-warm tip of his Sig Sauer to Emi's throbbing temple and fired one hot bullet into her brain, then ran off and out to meet his fellow assassins.

--- <- This is a part/point of view separator.

The police came about an hour later and stepped over blood and bodies to reach the altar, where Emi lay sprawled out on the ground.

"The entire party is dead, sir," one policeman reported to the man in charge, who wore ugly purple sunglasses even though it was overcast "outside".

"Even the bride and groom?" the man in charge asked.

"Yes, sir," the policeman replied gravely while his fellow men and women examined the bodies for any trace of evidence, but not finding any. "We haven't found any evidence of who did this, so it wasn't a novice. Novices leave hair and eyelashes around all the time, but these guys were smart as hell." The two bent over Emi's body.

"She's pregnant," the man in charge pointed out, removing his sunglasses. "About...six months in? Wow...she's beautiful, too, even dressed in all black. One of those goth chicks, I suppose. The pink hair, the black dress...She's dead, too, right?" But before the policeman could answer, Emi spat in his face.

"I suppose...she's not," the policeman replied, wiping away the spit, which was pink due to blood.
"We need to get her to the hospital fast...if we don't we could lose her..."

---

Under the direction of Brad, Monette went to the Pioneer 2 General Hospital to check up on Emi. Only hours ago had she heard that she was still alive and she just needed to see for herself. In her briefcase was a special present for her, whether conscious or not, a hypodermic needle filled with a clear, goopy liquid that Sam assured her was a mixture that, when applied intravenously, would bring death to a human. It was the same cocktail used for executions in prison, and instead of affording a nice quiet death, the victim would scream in pain as their bloodstream was filled with what felt like spikes. Monette smiled as she walked into Coma Ward room 304 and to the bed nearest the window, where Emi was deep in a comatose state. Monette opened her briefcase, which had "Jaune" written on the identification tab, and took out the needle, then squeezed the plunger to make sure the goop wasn't clogging.

"Emi Shiratori...it is a shame that it had to come to this, but it has." Monette placed her long red hair in a high ponytail to keep the hairs from possibly falling onto Emi's soon-to-be corpse, then, holding the needle in her right hand, she searched for the place to insert needles with her left. Upon finding it, she inserted the needle and was about to squeeze on the plunger when her cellular phone began to vibrate wildly and she extracted the needle.

"Jaune here," she told the phone.

"Jaune, Bleu just told us what is going on," Brad's voice told her. "I asked you to tell me Noir's condition, not to kill her in her sleep." Brad paused to let the words sink in. "Can you tell me Noir's condition?"

"She's comatose," Monette replied. "I asked the doctors about it, she's not expected to wake up anytime soon, and there is a sizeable chance that she'll never wake up..." She glanced down at Emi.

"But do you need to speed up the process, Jaune? No, you do not. Come back to me, we need you back here. There is a void that needs to be filled with your bright, smiling face. Please come back."

"I will, sir," Monette replied, hanging up the phone. "You got lucky, Emi, but here are a few words of advice for you, from coworker to coworker..." Monette paused. "DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING WAKE UP!!" She slammed the door on the way out.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DementorsKiss on 2004-07-25 21:00 ]</font>

[DementorsKiss]

There's more. I write a lot. I'm posting this whole chapter in small parts.
---
"Five years have passed today."

"I know..."

"Do you think she'll ever wake up?"

"I don't know..."

"If she does wake up...should we ever tell her about her child?" Two men, one an official Hunter and the other an official Force, walked down the hall to Coma Ward 304, and opened the door to go over to where Emi still lay in a coma.

"Ugh, look at that, Akira, they gave her one horrible haircut," the Hunter said, pointing to Emi and shaking his own red hair with pride. An official collar around his neck had a gleaming Pinkal symbol on it.

"Hospital haircuts have always sucked ass, Julian," Akira replied, touching his brownish-reddish hair which was so stiff with spiking gel that it felt more like a rock. The collar around his neck had a gleaming Yellowboze symbol on it. Sure enough, the hospital haircuts given to Emi since she was hospitalized made her look progressively more like a strung-out cocaine whore. Long ago, her pink hair dye grew out and her natural black hair was now what hung somewhere below her ears, cut unevenly and looking very greasy.

"Hey, Emi," Julian whispered to her. "Today's June 14 of the year A.E. 24, and it's been five years since this all fell apart. I read in a magazine that if you talk to the comatose they can actually hear you. If you can hear us, it's me and Akira. We've been on a ton of government missions lately, ranging from the absurd--"

"A man who likes dressing up as a Rag Rappy," Akira helpfully added.

"To the serious." Julian finished with a slight sigh.

"Everything except the Rappy mission," Akira added.

"But no matter where we go we can't stop thinking about you. Now that we look at it, we're glad we couldn't go to your wedding. As mean as that sounds, Emi, your entire family is gone now, and if you don't wake up, then I suppose you will go to see them as well. We miss you terribly. We just want you to wake up, to smile at us and ask us how we've been..."

"Or even who we are would do fine," Akira added.

"Shut up, Akira! And...you have a very high chance of becoming an official Ranger now, Emi, because the whole department's heard about how you miraculously survived a bullet to the head. You have a steel plate now, but hey, something cool to talk about at the dinner table, right?" Julian paused. "We love you--"

"In that friendly way," Akira added.

"And we want you to come back to us. Please come back to us," Julian told Emi.

"Man, I'll be right back," Akira said, thumbing towards the restrooms.

"Good call. Emi, we'll be right back," Julian told Emi as he and Akira went for the restrooms.

"Now go to sleep, Emi," Emi heard Brad's voice echo inside her head, but the shock of 'reliving' the trauma to her head was not what awoke her from the coma. It was the stitches on her stomach that awoke her, and the scream that emanated from her mouth was heard all throughout the hospital. Emi sat up and gazed down at her hands, tinted slightly green by the fluorescent lighting above her bed. The pain in her legs was killing her, as the fact that she hadn't used them in five years meant they were ridiculously atrophied, and the pain from her stitches stabbed her in the stomach. Without knowing how long it had been since she went into a coma, she instinctively grabbed her stomach, expecting her child to still be nestled inside. When she felt emptiness, she began to sob, and this was when Julian and Akira re-entered the room.

"Emi!" they both shouted in shock.

"Emi, you're awake," Julian said, still shocked, as he went up to her side.

"Where's my baby?" she demanded of Julian and Akira. "WHERE'S MY BABY?!" she repeated loudly.

"Emi..." Julian said quietly. "Your baby..." He took a seat by her bed. "Your baby was delivered on September 27, A.E. 19., by C-section." He started using hand gestures to try and lighten up the subject matter he was dealing with.

"We know because we were here," Akira added with a 400-megawatt smile.

"It was a gorgeous baby girl, 8 pounds and 7 ounces...Since I was right there, the nurses assumed I was the father, so I was given the responsibility of naming her," Julian explained.

"We named her Chiemi...get it? Chiisai, little, Emi, you obviously. It's like Emi Junior but sounds so much better," Akira added.

"I just want to hold her," Emi said quietly, her hands making a cradle.

"You can't, Emi..." Julian said gravely. "We tried to raise Chiemi, and we were doing damn well at it..." He turned away so as not to look at Emi's confused face.

"But Chiemi wasn't breastfed because...well, you were the only one producing milk and it's hard as hell to get breast milk from a comatose mother," Akira explained. "Also, the government frowned upon us bringing Chiemi on our missions, so she stayed at home with the nanny. One day, we came home and found the nanny's throat sliced and Chiemi stolen from her crib. The police couldn't find any evidence of who did this. This happened...when she was three."

"She should be turning five in September," Julian said happily, omitting the part that Chiemi could very well be dead.

"Every day has been spent since her abduction either looking for her, visiting you, or both. We haven't been going on very many missions lately," Akira said.

"I want my Chiemi," Emi demanded.

"I know, Emi, we want to see her too, but we can't even find her," Julian said calmly.

"Can you tell me one thing about Chiemi?" Emi began. "I want to know...what does she look like?"

"She has your eyes," Akira said, gazing into Emi's stormy grey eyes. "Your hair color, but Brad's thickness..."

"He had such thick hair," Emi muttered.

"Her skin is porcelain, too," Julian said with a smile. "In fact, she looks much more like you. I think Brad just contributed a few chromosomes here and there but yours are dominant." Julian sighed. "God, that hurt so much to say."

"What about Brad?" Emi asked.

"He's at large, as are the rest of Les Couleurs de la Mort," Julian informed Emi. "Speaking of, the department heard about your bravery and is so close to registering you as a Ranger. They need more Bluefull RAmarls, anyway."

"Tell me that later," Emi said, a small smile forming on her lips. "Give me a notebook."

"A notebook?" Akira asked, looking through his large messenger bag. "Here's one." He handed her a college-ruled notebook with a red cover that had a pen nestled inside the spirals. "Can you write?"

"Of course I can," Emi replied. "They put the I.V. drip on my right arm, and I'm left-handed." With great difficulty, she opened the notebook.

"Here," Julian offered, taking the notebook. "I'll transcribe. Tell me what you want to write."

"Okay. It's called...write this in Japanese..." She saw Julian give the book to Akira. "In revenge for Emi's sorrow."

"Emi no kanashimi no houfuku ni," Akira muttered as he wrote.

"Number one," Emi said with a smirk twirling out onto her face.

"Ichi," Akira muttered.

"Jaune--Monette Saunders. Two." With a bit less difficulty Emi managed to hold up two fingers.

"Ni," Akira wrote.

"Pourpre--Kayoko Kawashima. Three." Emi gave up on hand signals.

"San," Akira wrote, then looked towards Emi.

"Vert--Keito Sanjouin. Four."

"Yon." The pen's ink stopped flowing for a second and Akira had to scribble in the margins like a kindergartener for a few seconds to get the ink flowing once more.

"Bleu--Samuel Watson. Five."

"Go."

"Rouge--Bradley Summers. Do you have that?" Emi turned towards Akira.

"Emi, these are Les Couleurs de la Mort," Akira said gravely.

"Wherein she used to be called Noir?" Julian asked, and Akira nodded.

"It's unbelievable that she can remember this after a five-year coma..." Akira muttered.

"And head trauma..." Julian added.

"What head trauma?" Akira asked. "Remember, they repaired her brain completely in the hours following her hospitalization. Emi, do you remember anything from when you got into the hospital?"

"I...remember...seeing lights, and hearing people yell, but that's about it." Emi shrugged her shoulders slightly.

"She probably was under a ton of anesthesia, so that's why," Julian told Akira. "You were really messed up, Emi. The head trauma was the hardest to repair, and during that operation was when you fell into a coma. You broke your right arm in three different places, but they mended the bones quickly. The second hardest thing was dealing with Chiemi, who apparently was tossed around a lot inside you. There was an 80% chance she would suffer from memory loss or retardation or other bad things, but she was born with nothing wrong except a small scar on her forehead and a slightly weak immune system, and the doctors said it was due to how well you handled yourself while pregnant, so props for that."

"Was Mom here to see Chiemi?" Emi asked, shifting slightly in her bed so as to see Julian and Akira better.

"This is the hardest thing I'll say for a long time...but your mother is dead, as is your father, your sister Mami, and anyone else from the Shiratori family who attended your wedding," Julian explained as Emi flashed back to when she screamed as she saw Mami dying, and remembered more familiar bodies strewn about in various stages of life or death. "Brad got thisclose to killing you, but by the grace of some spiritual entity you survived."

"No...I'm the only one left...?" Emi's voice faltered.

"Yes." Julian had to turn away.

"I...this...can't...be..." Her voice was now a hoarse whisper.

"It is, Emi. We were both utterly destroyed by it," Julian said sympathetically.

"No you weren't! You two have no idea how horrible it is to wake up after five years to find that your baby's been kidnapped, your family is dead, and your legs are atrophied like hell! You two don't know anything about the pain I've gone through and I haven't even been conscious but a few hours!" Emi curled up and started crying.

"That's fair," Akira said, somewhat embarrassed. "You can be mad at us."

"You can cry until your tear ducts dry up, even," Julian offered. "But, please just listen to this one last piece of bad news...the one you called Bleu, Samuel Watson, works here and...he would come and...routinely violate your comatose body...that's not the worst part." Julian was trying to be as gentle as possible. "He...also injected you with something that gave your uterus an infection so bad that they had to give you a hysterectomy. You...can't have children ever again, Emi." Emi wailed loudly, like a cat whose tail had been stepped on, and curled up into a little ball.

"That's fair, too," Akira said, looking down at the floor.

"I just want to die right now," Emi whispered.

"You can't die now, Emi," Julian replied. "You're going to get revenge on the five who did this to you, aren't you? And you're going to find your baby girl and raise her right, because she needs her real mother. And...you're going to be an official Ranger the entire time."

"Wh-what?" Emi asked as Akira handed her an official collar with a gleaming Bluefull symbol on it and fastened it to her neck.

"Congratulations," Julian told her. "Once you can walk again, you're going to get a gun, and we're going to avenge your sorrow. Visiting hours are almost over, so we've got to go, but we'll be back here tomorrow."

"Thank you," Emi whispered, wiping a tear from her eye.

"You're welcome," Julian said as he hugged Emi. "Welcome back." Akira followed suit and the two men left the Coma Ward 304.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DementorsKiss on 2004-07-25 21:13 ]</font>

[DementorsKiss]

One last part of this chapter, and now I leave it open for all to see and possibly bash me for. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime2.gif
AT LEAST UNTIL I FINISH PART TWO!!

Emi was awake when she heard the footsteps coming down the hall, and a man whistling. How could she sleep for a long time after knowing all this horrible stuff happened during her coma, she wondered, and she listened for the footsteps as they came closer and when the door to Coma Ward 304 opened, she dropped down to her bed and acted as if she were asleep.

"All right, it's 5,000 Meseta a fuck," Samuel, wearing hospital scrubs with the name "Sam" on the nametag, told the whistling man, who was fat, balding, and greasy, and also smelled funny. "You got it or not?"

"Hell yeah," the whistler replied, giving Samuel 5,000 Meseta.

"All right! Rules, rules...don't leave any marks on her, don't scream too loud, watch out for spit..." Sam was counting the rules on the fingers of his hand, and he was up to three when he was interrupted.

"She spits?"

"It's a muscular reflex. Oh, and one last thing. She can't have kids no more, so cum in her all you want. All right? I'll be back in 20 minutes. Go for it!"
Samuel left the ward and the whistler removed his too-small shirt to reveal his enveloping coils of fat as he lowered himself on top of Emi, who was still pretending to be asleep.

"Bluefull, huh?" Whistler asked her. "You're going to be FULL of me when I get done with ya..." She heard him unzip his pants, and opened her eye the slightest bit to see a switchblade gleaming on his belt. She opened both eyes, then grabbed the blade with one fluid motion and sliced Whistler in the place where it counts, then threw him to the floor, tore the I.V. needle from her right arm (making sure not to rip her vein), and tried to get out of bed but fell to the floor, her atrophied legs not willing to take one for the team. With a great degree of difficulty, she crawled over to where a wheelchair stood unattended and pulled herself up into it, then sat in wait, holding the blade, for Samuel to return.

"Didja have fun, big bo--OH MY GOD!" Samuel screamed upon seeing Whistler on the floor. "His balls're cut clean off..."

"That sounds like you, Sam," Emi said. "Old Bleu, I had no idea you were fucking me for the past five years." Sam turned in shock and saw Emi in the wheelchair. "I know you wanted to fuck me before I almost got killed, but hey, you got your way with me. How did it feel?" There was a pause. "I SAID, HOW DID IT FEEL?" She took out the blade and sliced at Sam's crotch, slithered out of the wheelchair and onto the floor, then began to search his scrubs for anything good. Inside a secret pocket she found the 5,000 Meseta that the Whistler just gave him, and in the front pocket below his nametag she found keys to a car. The keychain the keys were on had a catgirl on them and she was winking and showing off her body. "What a shame, Bleu, now I've got the upper hand." She glanced down at him, and his nice blue scrubs, then looked down at her ugly white hospital gown and quickly switched clothes before hopping back into her wheelchair and wheeling herself out of Coma Ward 304. By now the area where she yanked out her I.V. needle was bleeding, but that was the least of her worries as she rolled merrily down the hall and to the exit to the employee parking deck. Emi looked down at the keychain every so often, then found a pickup truck painted black with the same catgirl painted on it in exhausting detail (even her nipples were painted in, she noticed). Obviously this was the car, so she rolled up to the passenger seat, opened the door, then pulled herself inside using the door handles and the handle above the door inside the car, which had leather interior and smelled like 'new car'. She turned back around and folded up the wheelchair, just in case, then brought it into the car and placed it in the front passenger seat.

"I can't drive this shit yet," she noticed as she lay there, spread out in the back seat, rubbing her gimpy legs with her hands trying to make them feel again. "How can I drive when I can't feel my legs..." She glanced down at her legs, stiff as boards. "If trying to physically make them feel won't work, let's try to convince them. Come on, feet, wiggle for me...wiggle, feet, wiggle..." Only after fifteen hours of agonizing pain did the feet actually wiggle, and Emi's battle against her atrophied legs was won. She got out of the car and got back in in the driver's seat. "I hope this thing drives well," she whispered to the ignition as she placed the key inside and turned it. The engine sprung to life and rumbled like an earthquake, leading her to believe that Sam modified the engine to better meet his needs. She glanced over at the now useless wheelchair folded up in the passenger seat and noticed something red in its back kangaroo pouch, so she took it out and saw the notebook where she had Akira write who she was going to get. With feeling in all her limbs regained, she deftly crossed out Sam's name.

"One down, four to go...damn, this revenge thing is tedious," she observed as she put the car in reverse and backed out, then tried to put it in drive and noticed that it was a stick shift, the one thing she was not used to or even able to drive. (Note: the author is in the process of learning to drive herself and neither parent has a stick shift so I'm winging it here.) "Ohh drop dead, Sam, you have a stick shift...wait, he's already dead!" Timidly she placed the car in second gear and began to drive, but it was too slow for her so she placed it in fifth and drove faster. It was at this time that the car started making grinding noises that were scaring her. "Come on, if we can get to where the Hunters live maybe I can get some cheap housing, I've got the symbol on me...come on car...come on...oh fuck." The grinding noises stopped as the car stopped dead in its tracks and a light on the control panel flashed saying "CHECK GEARS". "Check gears my ass," she muttered as she took her notebook and got out of the car, leaving it there on the side of the road. "What time is it?" She scratched her head and looked up towards a humongous clock planted atop a bank, which flashed 2:57 AM at her. "Jesus' pantyhose, it's almost 3 am? Are they going to let me in..." she wandered towards a map, which were very common in the residential areas of Pioneer 2 because these areas were mostly labyrinthine and very confusing. A few blocks down from where she was right now was a building marked 'Government Use Only'. "That's the one," she told nobody as she began to walk on, arriving at an inconspicuous apartment complex with no sign about twenty minutes later, having to walk slowly because her limbs wouldn't let her go any faster. She staggered into the sliding doors and into the lobby, which had small mailboxes on one wall, a directory and an intercom for paging people on the other, and a dark hallway in front of her. Trying to slip by the sleeping guard/secretary, she accidentally stepped on a creaky floor tile and the creak awoke the guard.

"Can I help you?" the guard asked with a humongous yawn, tipping his baseball cap over his obviously bloodshot eyes.

"Actually, yes you can." Emi walked up to the guard and smiled widely. "My name is Sam Nakagawa--I just arrived here, you see, and was told to come here." 'What's sad is that that's the truth,' she told herself. 'Except for the name, of course...'

"Sam? That's a boy's name," the guard pointed out.

"It stands for Samantha, actually, I just use Sam mostly," Emi lied. 'At least I covered this up well...'

"Sam Nakagawa...hm...well, you've got the collar on you. What are you?"

"I'm training to be a Ranger," Emi replied, assuming that that was the correct reply. The guard paused, which made her heart stop, then nodded and typed some more lines into his computer.

"All right, do you want a roommate?" he asked, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"Preferably no," Emi replied, shaking her head.

"How old are you? We give college-age kids the roommates." The guard was turned towards the computer, ready to input anything at a moment's notice.

"Twenty-three," Emi replied with a nod.

"Good, you just scraped past having a roommate. Your room is 301, it's the first door on the third floor. Here is your key." The guard gave Emi a key and pointed down the darkened hall, so she walked down it and saw the glow of three elevators before her. Figuring that anything was good, she pushed the button and a car swooshed down quickly, then opened up and a groggy-looking college-aged Viridia boy came staggering out, muttering 'hey' to her as he left. She waved back slightly and got in the car alone, pressed the 3 button, and waited for the doors to slide shut.

"I'm alive, I've got free housing, and the opportunity to carry very large and powerful guns for a living. Bradley...you are going to die no matter what it takes," she told the wall of the elevator as it ascended to her level.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: DementorsKiss on 2004-07-25 21:22 ]</font>

[Sagasu]

" She glanced down at her legs, stiff as boards. "If trying to physically make them feel won't work, let's try to convince them. Come on, feet, wiggle for me...wiggle, feet, wiggle..."

I have to say this line made my day http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Sorry for not getting here sooner, quite a clever adaptation really. In general it has a comfortable flow to it, and the characters are already seeming believable.

Since I have not seen kill bill, I cannot really express an opinion on that. So right now this is new to me, and quite entertaining. I'd like to know what all you've made up, and whats taken from the movie. That way I can enjoy your creativity to its maximum potential.

A few tips though.

You've got a lot of dialogue here, and unless treated carefully things can become confusing. But you have used "he said, she said" so its only a minor not, but some things are somewhat redundant <-- I'll get back to this in a moment. Sometimes adding a fully line of space inbetween the switch of one speaker to the next can help smooth things out. Yet since there is a lack of detail between the speech (not explaining what characters do in the period of time they are there, twitching, shifting on their feet, whatever) this may make things seem stretched out like too little butter scraped across to much bread. Another thing you could do is make a visible line of space between dialogue when the topic changes, that waty it keeps things nicely in order. But its entirely up to you.

I'm taking a leap here and guessing that this is your first fan fiction on a forum, not nessesarily just this one. Text tends to get cluttered up a bit, and unless you format your passage with more space inbetween paragraphs and such, it appears as one, big, blob. Which we all know is no fun to read http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_nono.gif

Returning to redundancy, it also plays a minor note in this first chapter. But if you look at the wedding scene, Emi's name is repeated in every/other scentence. Eventually, one becomes tired of reading this. Same goes for most other words, and this applies to the style in which you start a new sentence in as well. You may or may want to go back and edit, but at least keep this in mind for future writing.

About the matter of cursing, as long as you give proper warning there is no need to be paranoid about it. Personally, f*ck just doesn't carry the same message across now does it?

And the seperation of the chapter to keep the post short, that in no way is nessesary. You may be writing in greater length than most others here, but it honestly does not matter. If you don't believe me, follow my sig link, then you'll see that there is little reason to be concerned about the size of you post. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

Its good to see new writers entering the pool, hopefully you'll be able to survive the trip.

Looking forward to more..

[DementorsKiss]

Thanks, I'll take that advice. You see, I write using Notepad and the formatting on that is kind of weird, I think it looks right on my computer but it must not. I think I'll edit it to make it look better on other people's computers, and edit out the FCC-friendly asterisks here and there--I thought the PSO World mods would swoop down on me if I didn't censor--thanks for telling me about how lenient the policy is. I appreciate someone actually reading this!! http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[Sagasu]

Yeah, as long as you give a fair warning, there is no reason why you should get introuble for 'strong' language.

Awaiting the next segment http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Sagasu on 2004-07-25 20:27 ]</font>

[DementorsKiss]

Well, you're lucky, as I just posted it...
http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?topic=87018&forum=12&0