anwserman
Jul 26, 2004, 12:40 AM
Part of my fanfic that I'm writing so far. Just want to make sure that I'm getting the basics down (I read Kafka's stickies about getting people to proofread!)
Note: The part below is part of a 2.5 page piece of work, typed so far. It is no way finished, and I'm just fishing for suggestions. Basic details: At one of many Pioneer Warehouses (where they work), Smackie is mouthing off about Margarita working at the warehouse due to the fact that she's female.
Also: The details of the location aren't given yet. I'm writing down the skeleton of the story, and then I'm going to add description of the locations on my readthroughs when I'm done.
Characters:
Mitch - HUmar
Isis - HUcast
Margarita - HUnewearl
Smackie - Human Male Warehouse worker
Huskie - Human Male Warehouse Floor Manager
"This doesn't look good." quipped Mitch.
"Ditto." agreed Isis.
"I would quit before I kick your ass Smackie." whispered Margarita.
"You kick my ass? Heaven forbid..." Mitch rolled his eyes and Isis shook his head in disgust to Smackie's current attitude. "What is the bitch doing and why aren't you guys siding with me?" Both questions were immediately answered by Margarita's low, booming and rash voice.
"Shifta. Deband. Jellen. Zalure!" Smackie's eyes widened in disbelief. "Showtime." The perky newman snapped forward with catlike speed and accuracy. Margarita's raised left knee placed itself into Smackie's stomach, and her right elbow smashing down onto his shoulder. Her pose relaxed as she stepped backwards and Smackie stumbled forward, with his left arm clutching his chest. Margarita's head cocked, with hair bouncing, as she raised her left hand and walloped his left cheek with a bloody smack. The same hand found its way to the back of his neck, as she bent down onto her left knee, with her right hand grabbing hold onto the back of Smackie's left knee. With an incredible thrust, he was thrown into the air, soaring a considerable distance and landing onto a crate, collapsing and smashing it into pieces and releasing its contents, an seemingly endless supply of scared Chu Chus.
Margarita stood up tall and proud of the whooping she just dished out. To Mitch's and Isis' surprise, she wasn't done yet. With the simple saying of the word "Zonde", the gal wearing green called upon a seemingly endless amount and various shades of white, yellow and gold streaks of electricity, bolting from the sky ? targeting and pinpointing one exact location... Smackie. Mitch and Margarita covered their eyes from the blinding sparks that flew from Smackie's twitching, yet still alive, body. Isis stood there in awe, from the sheer amount of electricity that was produced and displayed.
"The sparks really give it a nice touch, don't you think?" asked Margarita, in a tone filled with attitude but still with spunk and some innocence.
"I do admit that I like her more then Smackie." murmured Isis.
"Oh yeah." Mitch readily agreed. "I think we need to contact Huskie first though about your little welcoming gift to Smackie though."
"Nah, he learned his lesson. Why add insult to injury?" replied Margarita. Mitch pondered her thinking and couldn't really doubt her logic. "Now, lets continue this tour. Then we can go out for a cold one! My treat."
"My type of girl." Mitch said, grinning.
"My type of girl has nuts." All three snickered at Isis' comment as they walked through the exit, as it slid closed behind them... ignoring Smackie's moans for help.
Edit: Added some details to the post above the snippit. Changed topic title.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-26 09:08 ]</font>
Note: The part below is part of a 2.5 page piece of work, typed so far. It is no way finished, and I'm just fishing for suggestions. Basic details: At one of many Pioneer Warehouses (where they work), Smackie is mouthing off about Margarita working at the warehouse due to the fact that she's female.
Also: The details of the location aren't given yet. I'm writing down the skeleton of the story, and then I'm going to add description of the locations on my readthroughs when I'm done.
Characters:
Mitch - HUmar
Isis - HUcast
Margarita - HUnewearl
Smackie - Human Male Warehouse worker
Huskie - Human Male Warehouse Floor Manager
"This doesn't look good." quipped Mitch.
"Ditto." agreed Isis.
"I would quit before I kick your ass Smackie." whispered Margarita.
"You kick my ass? Heaven forbid..." Mitch rolled his eyes and Isis shook his head in disgust to Smackie's current attitude. "What is the bitch doing and why aren't you guys siding with me?" Both questions were immediately answered by Margarita's low, booming and rash voice.
"Shifta. Deband. Jellen. Zalure!" Smackie's eyes widened in disbelief. "Showtime." The perky newman snapped forward with catlike speed and accuracy. Margarita's raised left knee placed itself into Smackie's stomach, and her right elbow smashing down onto his shoulder. Her pose relaxed as she stepped backwards and Smackie stumbled forward, with his left arm clutching his chest. Margarita's head cocked, with hair bouncing, as she raised her left hand and walloped his left cheek with a bloody smack. The same hand found its way to the back of his neck, as she bent down onto her left knee, with her right hand grabbing hold onto the back of Smackie's left knee. With an incredible thrust, he was thrown into the air, soaring a considerable distance and landing onto a crate, collapsing and smashing it into pieces and releasing its contents, an seemingly endless supply of scared Chu Chus.
Margarita stood up tall and proud of the whooping she just dished out. To Mitch's and Isis' surprise, she wasn't done yet. With the simple saying of the word "Zonde", the gal wearing green called upon a seemingly endless amount and various shades of white, yellow and gold streaks of electricity, bolting from the sky ? targeting and pinpointing one exact location... Smackie. Mitch and Margarita covered their eyes from the blinding sparks that flew from Smackie's twitching, yet still alive, body. Isis stood there in awe, from the sheer amount of electricity that was produced and displayed.
"The sparks really give it a nice touch, don't you think?" asked Margarita, in a tone filled with attitude but still with spunk and some innocence.
"I do admit that I like her more then Smackie." murmured Isis.
"Oh yeah." Mitch readily agreed. "I think we need to contact Huskie first though about your little welcoming gift to Smackie though."
"Nah, he learned his lesson. Why add insult to injury?" replied Margarita. Mitch pondered her thinking and couldn't really doubt her logic. "Now, lets continue this tour. Then we can go out for a cold one! My treat."
"My type of girl." Mitch said, grinning.
"My type of girl has nuts." All three snickered at Isis' comment as they walked through the exit, as it slid closed behind them... ignoring Smackie's moans for help.
Edit: Added some details to the post above the snippit. Changed topic title.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: anwserman on 2004-07-26 09:08 ]</font>