Winds of Ruin chapter 1

[Kuea]

Well Photondrop made me post ficcie so here it is

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Walking alone through a virtual simulation two girls have been killing monsters and solving puzzles to finish the "quest"

The first is Photondrop, A 19 year old HUnewearl who is excellant at fighting and and techs. As she attacks her Red hair flows behind her giving a peaceful yet powerful effect

The second is Lexi, The 17 Year old HUnewearl who is very passionate about her fighting and her friends. If you her friends are in trouble she will do anything to help

The two girls won the chance ot be the first hunters to use this simulation in a contest being done by the government. As they reached the end of the sim they did not realize that things would be getting alot more exciting in their lives

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"And why are we doing this again?" Lexi said with a hint of disgust

Photondrop just looks at Lexi in Suprise "Are you kidding? Come on we are the first people to actually use this simulation, you aren't excited at all?"

Lexi Sighs and walks up to the switch "Yes I am excited, It's just I expected stronger things to fight and we didn't even get to use our own equipment"

"well even so you have to admit this is fun though right?" Photondrop walks over to another switch and activates it after Lexi activated hers

"Yeah this is fun I suppose. Wasn't this door supposed to open? We activated both switches"

From behind them the girls hear a feminane voice "Well done girls you have made it through the preliminaries."

In suprise Photondrop and Lexi turn around to see a screen that is displaying 47 other sets of people going around in the sim as well

Lexi just watchs the people on the screen going through the same stuff they had just done "Hey wait I thought we were the first ones to use the sim"

The screen switches to show two other teams "The next two teams who are close to the end you should know, Simel and Bastalion as well as Quinn and Lumie."

Photondrop began questioning quickly "What? why are they in this too? what is the real purpose of this thing?"

The screen switchs to a rotatiing section I.D. that changes with each rotation "Now if you would please walk through the door on your right we can talk in person."

The screen disappears as a door beside Photondrop opens up "Well I suppose we should go through it right Lexi?"

"what? oh yeah we should but did Quinn mention that she was in this to you at all? Lumie never told me."

"She never told me either." Photondrop replies as she walks through the door

Lexi starts to follow Photondrop "But why was Simel there? What is she doing here?"

"This room is pitch black and I can't find a swicth so be careful Lexi."

"Okay just talk so I can tell where you are so I don't bumb into you."

Lexi just starts walking in one direction when a voice is heard from no where "There are more tests left for you to do. Now I shall open the exit and you are free to leave and go to the next part of the test. However know this, In this room your equipment is hidden."

Photondrop starts yelling at the voice "Okay so how the hell are we supposed to find ourstuff when it is pitchblack? Is there a light switch in here?"

"Damnit Photondrop I don't think they are gonna answer us. Lets try finding the wall first okay PhotonDrop? Can you get low to the ground please?

Photondrop just lies down on the ground "Okay Lexi I am on the gorund"

Lexi casts Gifoie laighting up the surrounding area with a blazing tornado of fire "I see your Red Ring over there Photondrop."

Photondrop gets up and starts running towards the Ring jumping over and ducking below the many crimson Fireballs her red hair flowing behind her as she ran

"Do you see anything else Photondrop?"

Photondrop runs up to her ring and picks it up "Oh hey all our other stuff is her as well. This can't really be the test is it?"

"I don't know I have no clue" In the last remaining remnants of the Gifoie Lexi spots a switch hidden behind a box "Hey I found a switch"

"Oh I see it, I'll grab it" Photondrop jumps over another box and activates the switch lighting the room up "hey thats much better"

Photondrop goes back to the equipment and puts her red ring on her wrist "feels much better to have my equipment back don't you agree Lexi?"

"yes I do now I have my shield back again. I felt naked without it"

Lexi puts her Delsaber's shield on her left arm and grabs her Rika's Claw

"don't forget your Nei's Claw Photondrop."

"Yeah right, Me forget my Nei's? Thats a laugh. But really considering this was a test should our equipment have been this easy to find?"

"I don't know Photondrop, However we should probebly go through the door to the next area now"

Photrondrop and lexi start walking towards the door when a panel in the floor opens up and something starts to raise out of it

"Well Photondrop I think that this is the test."

[tor]

So PhotonDrop and Lexi are in a virtual simulation.Creative.I like it good job.

[Sord]

hmm, well, no offence, but it definitly needs a proofread for grammar and typos. It's... not that descriptive either. Character interaction seems good enough on a speaking level, but not much is described of their movements. The surrounding area could use some detail as well. There's probably more as well, but I'm not to sure.

Look, I know that may sound like a total diss or something, but I'm only saying what my mind is thinking, at least it's not a lie.

[PhotonDrop]

heehee very nice, minus how many times you said my name... u.u

[EJ]

Good for your first fic. You should have proofread it befor posting and you need to describle the surrounding area and characters alittle more so we can get the sense of what they see. But nonetheless still good.

[Kuea]

I still think it sucked v_v

[EJ]

You could also just call photondrop, PD instead. It's alot easier. -.-

[KaFKa]

i agree with everything sord said. you need mroe detail and more 'action.'

other than that, its pretty good.

[Sagasu]

A good beggining,

though I would like to see some character depth..

[mr_rubbish]

Firstly, if I seem harsh I apologise. I have no idea of what your writing ability is like generally having not seen any other works from you.

*Equips Red Pen and Gloves of Editing*

Hmmmm, well it's okay but even with the cliffhanger at the end, it doesn't generate any excitement in me. I feel indifferent to their plight.
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Minor point. The present-tense presentation makes this story feel amatuer-ish. I recommend past-tense to everyone. It is actually harder to write a story decently in present-tense. BUT in the end it's down to reader/writer preference.
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Minor point. Where is the punctuation? There are almost no periods (fullstops) or commas anywhere. It doesn't make the story less readable but presentation will earn you a few points.
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I slightly disagree with the others about requiring additional detail.
It IS possible to do the story with the minimal level of detail as long as certain things are touched upon. The objective would be to suggest details and the readers mind would fill in the blanks, essentially doing most of the work for you.

For instance, you could just mention in one sentence that they are running through the spceship VR environment. Then you need mention no other details. People know what the insides of spaceships look like.

'More' is not necessarily better, but 'some' goes a long way.
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It feels very rushed, did you just type it out and post it to get it out of the way? Like Sord said, proofread, it will help eliminate the petty comments that guys like me will make.
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Finally, it has a simplistic quality to it. Like I said earlier, i have no idea of your abilites as a writer, but if this is your first piece, then look on the bright side, you can only improve from here.

In closing, I would just like to say... DO NOT READ MY COMMENTS AND BECOME DISCOURAGED. The only way to improve your art to to do some, learn from what you have done and become stronger.

If you are just a casual writer doing this for fun then please feel free to ignore my comments, they would only serve to reduce the enjoyment you have for writing it.
If on the other hand you wish to improve your craft, then at the very least, look at your favourite author of a real-life book and see how they format, write, punctuate.

Also, never say that your story sucked. If you thought that it did then why post it now? Why not change it so it doesn't suck before unleashing it upon the world. Have faith in yourself!

And don't ever forget.... have fun!

*Unequips Red Pen and Gloves of Editing*

[Sef]

I think it has an interesting plot. I hope you keep on writing it. It's nice to see some familiar characters in there as well. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

Although I wonder what kinda contest they had to do to win. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_confused.gif

Ooh, maybe you'll include it as a flashback or something...Er...Gah, don't listen to me.

Good job on the fic, Lexi. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

[Tact]

On 2004-08-20 16:31, Sef wrote:

Good job on the fic, Lexi. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif



http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_yes.gif

I agree with Sef. Keep up the good work, plus grammer (hehe, error intentional) and punctuation.

[TheOneHero]

On 2004-08-20 12:01, mr_rubbish wrote:

Also, never say that your story sucked. If you thought that it did then why post it now? Why not change it so it doesn't suck before unleashing it upon the world. Have faith in yourself!

And don't ever forget.... have fun!




This is very important, I must agree with mr_rubbish here. Giving herself negative feedback and not believing in yourself will continue to result in your writing.

On a happier note: I liked it, I hope you do continue because, I aboslutely hate to see young author's just give up on writing because: They don't think it was good enough; people don't reply. *If it's posted on a forum.* Or they just didn't like the truth on what they were being told.

You have what it takes methinks to continue and grow in your writing and become much more talented than you all ready are.

Sadly, I will not be able to get on the internet for a few weeks, but you should know that when I can I will read and reply to your writing. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif Nice ficcie, keep at it!