Swoon...

[Aredhel]

I promised myself that I wouldn't resort to internet forums to help with my problems in real-life. Upon searching through PSOW today, though, I realized that, granted, there are some assclowns who peruse these forums, many of you are decent, down-to-Earth human beings who, for the most part, have real-life issues of your own.

With that said, this isn't really a statement of a problem. Quite the opposite, really. I didn't come here seeking help, I came here to discover it for myself. Perhaps this is just a way for me to work out my problems on my own by typing things up, putting them into perspective. Or perhaps, I really, truly AM looking for resolution through some of you who seem to have experienced much in your adult lives.

Boring, huh? It isn't if you understand where I'm coming from (I can only hope that all of you do someday) http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

Last summer was it. It was the last time I was through being a child, though being a machine. It's funny how the Id goes into recession at a moment's notice - the notice of a young woman.

Now stop - I'm not saying I don't have my urges, I'm saying that what I feel transcends what can be classified. Whatever you can think of - I've got that topped by feeling. Whatever it is http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

But anyways, last summer I met a girl. I'd met her before, but this time was much different. I was different, she was different - things were still the same, but there was something beyond. I'd never feared much before then, as I had no reason to. I believe that, because of reasons pertaining to my childhood, I'd grown up to be a very nihilistic person; as such, I had no reason to live, no rhyme to exist by. When I met her, I began to fear. Perhaps it was just a coincidence of my development and her presence; maybe I was destined to fear anyways - it IS instinct, after all. In any case, I finally realized that life is fragile, ephemeral. I would not exist if I were to die at that moment. It pained me think of this, as I'd discovered something very beautiful in this world, something I could hold onto forever. I realized that if I had died at that moment, I would lose her. I would never see her face again; I would never see her smile; I would never see her cry; I would never hold her in my arms and never let go until the dawn of morning came to wake us from our blissful sonata of embrace. I would never be with her.

So every lightning strike I heard, every person on the news who had died in the latest firefights of , every time we drove in the fscking CAR; I realized that I might not be around 10 seconds from now. Whenever [i]now happens to be. This scared me - it chilled me to the core of my humanity that I could not be there for her forever. I had begun the realize love for what it actually is. Now I won't regurgitate something I read on a Hallmark card here regarding love, all I will say, though, is that true love transcends all things. Thoughts, ideas, words, concepts, hate - you name it, love has got it beat. It's interesting that I can't describe love to you - I can only say that you have to go out and find it for yourself. It's interesting that I have stumbled upon a universal truth that could never be proven. It's interesting how life is an enigma in all aspects and we are such creatures that flourish in the chaos of the indescribable... love, that is. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

So after the last summer of discovery, it was time for me to move back to where I lived before, as I was merely visitng her state for the summertime. I put my feelings into recession - I focused on what was at hand and got my life in order, as is condicive with a small percentage of High School seniors. I had my life, thinking about her when I was in need of validation for my mortality. Sounds deep, huh? I've thought about how foolish it sounds SOOO many times. I had invested my very existence in this young teenage girl whom I'd gotten to know over the course of 2 months - I was destined for let-down. How could I invest so much into a person I'd hardly known? I can't explain it. I've known many girls who I've liked as friends and even beyond, but I'd never met a girl like this before. I'd never met a human like this before. I'd never met a soul like this before. Sounds crazy, right? Not if you've felt it before. I guarantee that if you haven't fallen in love yet, it will hit you like a brick wall. It will pull you apart and put you back together in a way you never thought could be better. then it will do it again - every time you see their face.

A year passes, I graduate High School. A year passes, she goes on to be a High school sophomore. I was always, to a mild degree, disgusted with those guys who were 18 and dating 15 year-olds, or 20 and dating 17 year-olds. It always seemed as though they were taking advantage of those girls' naivete. I'm sure many of them were, but now I finally understand how age is just a fallacy. All that matters is maturity and, in some/many cases, she's got me beat in that department. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

I had decided long before learning to know who she was that I would attend College in Florida. Her being there [here http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif ] was just more of a reason for me to come. I have toyed with the thought that she is actually the reason I moved 1200 miles away from my life in Colorado... perhaps. But wouldn't that make me the brash, naive kid here? You betcha. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif I'm not ruling out anything yet - love is unpredictable and often-times very blind in that respect. In any case, I had finally come back to her. This time around, though, I had a greater appreciation for life - I had learned what it was to fear and I had learned what it was to love, and I was ready for whatever life had to dish out to me. She is my Halcyon. She makes the pieces fit together. Whenever I'm around her, she makes me feel like whatever I do in life, whatever happens to me, I will be ok as long as I am beside her and she is beside me. I had finally learned a new kind of fear, though: fear for her. So far, I had only been thinking of myself, I had only been thinking of how she made ME feel - I was over that now, and ready to share it with her.

Skip to the present - this is the now. I want to tell her this. All of this, and more. I want to tell her everything; I no longer want to be me, I want to be us. I look into her eyes and realize that it's the truth. I hear it in her voice- I feel it on my neck whenever she speaks to me. I smell it in the air whenever she is around. I feel her on my fingertips whenever I touch her or even think about her. This is so much more than love. It's bordering on a sickness. She dwells in my mind now. It's dangerous, I know - it can only lead to expectations she could never live up to. But it's become so much more than knowing that I love her - I feel it.

I realize it more and more, every day. Yesterday was her birthday. I spent 2 hours looking for the right roses. I shall never forget her face when I showed up to her house and handed them to her. I don't think anyone has ever gotten her flowers before.

http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_cry.gif

For those of you who have managed to plod through the ramblings of my inner-most feelings, I apologize. As I said before, this was really, truly just a way for me to sort out my problems somewhere. I posted them here so that all of you can pick me apart or share feelings of your own. I would like to hear some of your stories and views of this apotheosis we call love.

[Solstis]

I think that I may be in love, or perhaps, in love with the idea that someone truly is fond of me.

But this isn't my thread, and I don't want to talk about it right now.

Hopefully, Aredhel, my arch-nemesis ( http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif ), you will find what it is that you seek. Though, I do not suggest dating a 15 year old, love is a strange thing. Thus, I samely cannot say no.

And P.S., what college are you attending in Florida?

[Aredhel]

On 2004-09-03 20:12, Solstis wrote:
I think that I may be in love, or perhaps, in love with the idea that someone truly is fond of me.

But this isn't my thread, and I don't want to talk about it right now.

Hopefully, Aredhel, my arch-nemesis ( http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif ), you will find what it is that you seek. Though, I do not suggest dating a 15 year old, love is a strange thing. Thus, I samely cannot say no.

And P.S., what college are you attending in Florida?



I didn't make this thread to talk about myself. If you have something to share, then share it if you feel comfortable - perspective is a good thing. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif

I, as well as you, cannot suggest dating a 15-year old either. It's odd, it's bizarre, it's love. I have no explanation or excuse for it - save for the fact that I have never looked at her because of her age, just as I hope she has never looked at me because of mine. The only thing I CAN say, however, is that she is unlike any 15-year old I have ever known before. Looking back at myself at her age, there is no comparison. She is just a very advanced person - always has been.

As for the college I go to, I attend morning classes at Edison Community College. Meh - the philosophy department has impressed me thusfar http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[Sagasu]

On 2004-09-03 20:23, Aredhel wrote:


I, as well as you, cannot suggest dating a 15-year old either. It's odd, it's bizarre, it's love. I have no explanation or excuse for it - save for the fact that I have never looked at her because of her age, just as I hope she has never looked at me because of mine. The only thing I CAN say, however, is that she is unlike any 15-year old I have ever known before. Looking back at myself at her age, there is no comparison. She is just a very advanced person - always has been.




Blegh.

A mind is not judged by years passed, but of content. With that said, I wouldn't be the least bit disturbed if a 15 year old fell for a 40 year old, if, the love was really true.

My one piece of advice in this matter, don't. rush. anything. Horomones have a way of twisting reality, and we purposefully try to notice the good before the bad. I'm not saying your weak minded or anything, I'm saying that anyone can be a victim.

The only way to truly tell if your feelings are just, is to spend time with her. Over time, flaws, character traits, all is revealed to you. Just like a baby adapts to a new world, someone can adapt to a new human. At this point and time, just like a teenager getting angry at the worlds faults, one can may find themselves irritated about even the subtle things, like quirks or bad habits. Now its up to you, to either cope with the bad (humans are stubborn, don't count on them changing), or move on till your comfortable.

Just don't lose your head and you'll be fine.

[Aredhel]

I absolutely agree. Hormones are extremely strange things that- they're sort of like beliefs. They tell you what to do without really giving you a good reason as to why you should do it... whatever it is. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

As such, I am taking it slow. I've not pushed her or rushed anything upon her. It's just been "hey would you like to go out?" and "hey, may I come over to give you flowers?" or merely just showing up after she gets home from school just to say "Hi". The way she looks at me and the way she coyly feigns disinterest when she's unhappy with me - they absolve almost all doubt in my mind. I would never want to give that up because I rushed something. And so, fearful of what it may implicate at the wrong time, I have not told her all of this. I have never straight-up told her how I feel about her. That can wait for the day when I know it's perfect; perhaps that day shall never come, things have a way of not working out how you planned or even expected them to occur. But the feeling still remains and I know that, whatever happens, she has changed my life and my views or living forever.

I like to think that what we have transcends mere age, mere hormones. I have no way to prove this, of course - but I finally have faith in something. I finally have faith in how I feel. And that, is a most beautiful feeling.

[opaopajr]

love never dies.

love alone is not enough.

love ask for nothing less than everything.

love and hate are the same side of the same coin, just different edges. the flip side is emptiness.

transcendence is real and her name is love.

there is no victory against love, only submission.

the seven deadly sins are but love flawed, hence so difficult to understand and overcome.

faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love.

all you need is...

[Sagasu]

I'm agreeing with you here, about the beautifulness of such an emotion. And am glad to hear your taking it slow.

But I think its a mistake to not let her know how you feel. Am I contradicting myself? Not really. Your going to want her to know, your going to want her to also be prepared.

Its not a movie, its not an anime, that perfect moment may never come. Even if you see it as the flawless opportunity, there is always the possibility of mistake. Mistakes you do not want to make. You know how You feel.

And you need to be able to get used to this feeling, so that it doesn't consume you when it reachers higher extremes.

Same goes for her, even if your actions tell her all she needs to know, there tends to still be that last drop of doubt left untill they too, hear the words. Not so much the words, but the meaning behind them. This is something that they try to Illustrate in movies and such, and its a real thing. Its just all these misconceptions are formed, it easy to go along with them. Love is the purest form of respect, combined with a little desire,(if such things are so on both ends) you've got yourself a functioning relationship.

Be truthfull, be yourself. And things will turn out the best they'll ever be http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[Elvendar]

So you love this girl, but she's jailbait?

What's that saying... "If the grass is on the field, play ball?"

Just kidding. But seriously, that kind of stuff can get you put in jail.

Make sure it's worth it.

[Zzzzzz]

On 2004-09-03 20:40, Sagasu wrote:

Blegh.

A mind is not judged by years passed, but of content. With that said, I wouldn't be the least bit disturbed if a 15 year old fell for a 40 year old, if, the love was really true.


I agree. Case in point:

My sister is in her early 20's and just finished college. Withina few weeks, she'll be married to man in his, I think, early 40s? nd they've been dating a long time.

[Aredhel]

Heh - she's jailbait? I never thought of it that way... maybe that's because I trust her and we've never had sex nor would I ever plan on having sex with her. If sex is the pinnacle of the relationship, let me out now http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif

But really, it's not something that I plan on doing. If it happens, then let it be an expression of love, not something that needs to be a crime on any sort of level. If it doesn't happen, then let it never get in our way. Some things you just know, though, are an inevitability...

Yet another case in point: HER parents are years apart from one another. Her mother is 40, her father is 60. Her father already had children when her mother was a fetus! This just goes on to exemplify the irrelevence of age in this case. Of course, her parents were older when they met one another; older than we are right now. Who knows what this can mean, though...



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Aredhel on 2004-09-05 10:19 ]</font>

[Sagasu]

It means nothing.

Not to you, not to her. What happens will hapen, and i hope you live well with the results ^_^

[Aredhel]

Thanks very much http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif

Anyone else want to share their story of love?

[Seval]

On 2004-09-05 10:05, Aredhel wrote: If sex is the pinnacle of the relationship, let me out now http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif


Yes! That is a very moral and wise attitude, I now hold you with respect, Aredhel. Even though that might not be much to you...

And I'd say that the pinnacle of the relationship is like, spending all your life with her, but I've never really EXP'd what you just discribed, so I don't know... But I hardely agree with you on what I quoted.

[goku4ever]

I can kinda agree with some things said at first, but im only 16 so i doubt its true love but this girl, she has a wierd effect on me, being around her makes me realise how much i feel about her. At the same time i want to tell her this but also i dont want to, but im not sure why, im scared... of something, but its not coz i might make a jack ass out of my self

[Aredhel]

On 2004-09-08 11:07, goku4ever wrote:
I can kinda agree with some things said at first, but im only 16 so i doubt its true love but this girl, she has a wierd effect on me, being around her makes me realise how much i feel about her. At the same time i want to tell her this but also i dont want to, but im not sure why, im scared... of something, but its not coz i might make a jack ass out of my self



Don't doubt in yourself just because you're 16 - Hell, I'm 18 (only 2 years older... cuz 18-16=2... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_razz.gif) and I am truly feeling this whole love thing http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

I'm on the same boat as you though - She makes me feel so much inside that it's almost unbearable sometimes - yet, I'm afraid to tell her because of what it may do. I'm not afraid of rejection this time; I'm afraid of how she would take it. I'm pretty damned sure she likes me so that's no problem, but I have no idea if she is capable of feeling for me the way I do about her. I know that this is a horrible thing to say, especially about someone whom I have already said I have trusted and love with all of my heart, but it is truthfully a doubt of mine... http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_frown.gif

I have not told her yet as I am having some fun playing the game right now http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wink.gif Getting to know her and even see her every now and then is more than enough for me - every time I see her, I'm ruined for days afterwards: all of my thoughts dwell on her.

I know that I feel comfortable enough to tell her all of this, it's when that I'm having trouble with. Must I use discretion for fear that she may not have the same feelings that I have? Would it be totally unfair for me to unload all of these feelings on a 15 year-old girl? I know she could handle it, she is strong. Perhaps she is not who she fully is yet? Perhaps her personality has yet to develop into something more as time progresees. Perhaps it will be something I love about her even more... perhaps not. I have no idea, and I suppose nobody ever does - they just take that leap of faith and say the three words...

I love you.

Noone can be sure what happens next. I know that when I say them though, whatever happens, I stand before my word and I stand before the fact that a million let-downs is more than worth one single chance at eternity with her.