Garanz2
Sep 10, 2004, 06:09 AM
Technical Thread (http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?mode=viewtopic&topic=84685&forum=12&start=0)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/Garanz2/BombingRunBanner.jpg
Prologue
Anomalous shutdown detected.
Scanning hardware for damage...
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Scanning software for damage...
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No damage found.
Scanning records and files...
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No damage found.
Commence restart?
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..Y
Restart commencing.
Opening Hardware-Software-Host connections.
Loading personality matrix
Loading records
Linking files.
Complete. Garanz Mk.II online. All systems nominal.
Garanz's visor flickered blue, then came on. He began to assess his situation and surroundinngs. he was lying on his back, in a dirty, muddy abandoned arena. Apparently undamaged. He began to rise, when a sudden movement caught his eye. An enormous black shape plummeted from the open roof, gliding in a slight circle, rapidly losing altitude with controlled precision. It left his view, then came to rest just beside him. Two enormous, curved claws located themselves lightly on his face.
"Greetings, Garanz. Th'art awake, I see. Remain still, I pray you, and all will be resolved."
"Who are you?" Garanz's voice was a little shakey through his recent restart, but was the same voice he was used to.
"I am known by many names, but thou mayest refer to me as 'Caal'."
"So, 'Caal', mind taking your foot off my face?"
"I mean thou no harm, but for now it would be better if thou remained where thou art. Thou hast fallen victim to an event known as a Neo-nuke, as have I. The most concentrated form of random plot-twisting force known to exist."
"Great... So how long have I been offline?"
"Three weeks, give or take. I hath been quite enjoying my new features since the blast."
"Do I know you?"
"Thou knewest me as Del, previously."
"Del? You're alive?!"
"Indeed. And quite so. I hath undergone quite the interesting transformation since the tournament."
"Great... i'm happy for you." An image of [/sarcasm] scrolled across his visor.
"Well, it pleases me to be able to say the same... I am now six feet tall, sleek, sexy, I have wrist blades, horns, beautiful black, purple and orange feathers, an enormous shiny tail, which is an asset for gliding, and of course impressing people, and I finally got that annoyance Slash out of my brain."
"So I'm a ten-foot nuclear powered rocket-toting apocalyptic juggernaut with jets, fortified armour and napalm launchers?"
"No. Th'art a pink, pervertedly-built RAcaseal named Shelley."
"...Oh."
"I kid thee not."
"I see... Mind taking your foot off my face so I can undress myself with my eyes?"
"I would have thought thy reaction would have been one of shock or surprise, rather than sexual innuendo... Altough undressing thyself with thy eyes is a task I believe you will find rather undaunting."
"Oh yeah...Right."
Caal removed his foot from Garanz/Shelley's face, allowing the RAcast/RAcaseal to get up. Slowly.
"Umm...Caal, this ain't good. I'm carrying a lot more uh...weight in my chest than I'm used to..."
"We have more to worry about presently. You see, The Mortal Kombat Tournament no longer has a place in the flow of time. The fourth G2 tournament is about to begin, and I felt obliged to find you in order to host it and to lead your team."
"...Umm...WHAT?! TOURNAMENT?! TEAM?! NOW?!"
"It begins in a few minutes, on the Southern beach of Gal Da Val. If we hurry we can make it there in tiem for the opening. Though...how we can explain our appearances is beyond me."
"...I think I have an idea..."
"What art we to do, Garanz?"
"The same thing we do every day Caal... Try to take over the world! run a tournament without looking like complete morons! Now, here's what we're going to do..."
Introduction
Immense floodlights and deafening cheers lent a unique atmosphere to Gal Da Val's usually silent southern beach. An enormous stage and a small tempaorary administration building had been set up facing the sea, and three massive hover-barges packed with spectators rested lightly on the surface of the water, whirring photon engines deafened by the thousands of people aboard. Many of the spectators waved banners, or threw confetti and toilet rolls that arced majestically through the sky like...uh...paper.
In the lobby of the building behind the stage, Caal and G2 Shelley were making final preparations.
"We hath everything ready but one thing. Who will introduce the teams and the arenas to the crowds? We need someone with sex appeal, a good speaking voice, and an easily remembered name..."
The disturbingly-proportioned perv RAcaseal simply stared at Caal'Shto.
"Th'art not suggesting that I go out there?!"
"Yes. I am." Replied the RAcaseal snidely with her disturbingly masculine voice.
"But...the crowds will detest me! Th'art the one they expect!"
"I know. But I can't go out like this! It can barely walk without falling over, let alone present a tournament! If they found out who I was, they'd lynch me! ...Or laugh..."
"...Art thou sure they'll accept me as presenter?"
"Of course they will! They'll love you! What's not to like?"
"Sporting events aren't usually hosted by semi-psychotic anthropomorphic del rappies..."
"And droids tend to be able to support their own weight! Since when are RAcaseals this...big?"
"...I see thy point."
"Just get out there, introduce yourself and the teams, entertain them a little! It's not hard!"
"How many people are out there?"
"About five hundred thousand, give or take."
"...Art thou sure we can't talk about this?"
"Just focus, don't get distracted."
"When I'm introducing the teams, do I introduce thou and thy team as well?"
"Geez...How the hell am I going to explain this to the girls?...You'll have to introduce us I guess..."
"And I shalt refer to you as Shelley, correct?"
"Correct. Call me G2 and I forcefeed you rice."
"...Ouch..."
"Just make a good entrance, show yourself off and get the crowd on your side. Y'know, shake your tail, pull some moves."
"I shalt make an attempt...But t'will not be my fault if members of the audience find themselves dead tonight."
"...Just don't kill anyone vital to the plot."
"So, that means out of about half a million people, only around 40 are not expendable?"
"Try to kill less than half of the crowd if the worst comes to the worst. I'm making money from this, y'know?"
A sudden blaring overture began outside, and the crowd drew suspensefully silent as techno music began to play. Caal looked sheepishly towards the door, nervously nibbling on a handclaw.
"Give 'em hell, Del."
"Th'art not coming outside?"
"I'll come out with my team once I work out how to stand up under my own power without feeling like I'm going to fall over."
"...I have every confidence in thy support, Garanz."
"SHELLEY!"
"Ah! right..."
-----
The crowd held their breaths as the overture reached a crescendo (No, I have no idea what A crescendo would sound like in techno), unaware of the dark shape that flitted between the barges, gripping their sides with it's claws. It climbed the center vehicle, until it held itself prone just below the guardrail and the eerily silent crowd.
Just make a good entrance, show yourself off and get the crowd on your side. Y'know, shake your tail, pull some moves.
Caal just hoped that flying from the center of the crowd, swandiving onto the stage and introducing himself calmly would be sufficiently impressive...
The music stopped, and on cue, Caal leapt from the spectator vehicle, spreading his tail and wings and gliding out into full view of the crowd. Many of the audience gasped as he streamlined himself, plummeting towards the brightly lit stage. Then, seconds before he landed, he pulled out of his dive and spread himself again, landing perfectly on his feet, in the dead center of the spotlight. The crowd burst into applause. Caal bowed, looked up, and saw the enormous 'We love G2's freak characters!!!!1' banner. Resisting the urge to go up there to see how many holes his claws could make in someone's head without it disintegrating, he cleared his throat, equipped his microphone and called out;
"Greetings, I welcome thee to the grand opening of Garanz Mark Two's fourth, yes fourth tournament! Famous faces from all over Pioneer Two hath gathered here to battle it out for the title of Bombing Run Champion! Over the next few days, battles will be fought, won and lost! Thou wilt cheer, thou wilt cry! Heads wilt nod and heads will roll! And now, ladies and Gentlefolk, Newms and Newearls, Casts and Caseals, everyone else whose titles I can't be bothered to read, I present to thee, the teams!"
"I would like to remind you that I am doing this voluntarily and I definitely don't want anybody-"
"SORRY I'M LATE!"
"Distra...cting...er...me." (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/Garanz2/Distraction.jpg)
-----
Shelly, watching from one of the windows in the main building, watched Caal stop talking.
"Somebody poke him!"
-----
Fortunately, poking was not required.
*POWER GLOMP!*
"Arrgh! She's squishy! She's squishy!" Yelled Caal as he was driven to the floor.
"Rhynn, the squishiness of thy chest is unnerving...Umm...without further ado...I present to thee, Team G2! Give a warm welcome to Antitank, and Natalya!"
Lights flashed, music blared, crowds cheered and virgins were sacrificed to minor blood gods as two crimson HUcaseals (One substantially more 'crimson' than the other) swaggered down the gangway from the main building to the stage. Natalya looked down at Caal, who was still being forcibly hugged.
"Do you want us to come back later?"
"No, it's all right. Release me, foul temptress! Off! Where is Garanz this fine evening?"
"Oh, he's busy. We spoke to him on the BEE and he said he won't be fighting in this tournament."
"WHAT? ...I mean...Oh, really? Then who shalt lead thy team?"
"Well according to Garanz, you will."
"May falz shove burning serrated claws up his... Oh. Of course. So, tell me a little about thyself."
"I'm Natalya, and this is my sister Anita."
"Antitank!"
"Wait, how canst thou be sisters? Thou lookst more like a crimson assassin than a HUcaseal. For the last time Rhynn, as much as I enjoy sharing thy warmth, this is not the time nor the place!"
"Long story discontinued. Blades, big eye, plated armour. It's all good." (http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?mode=viewtopic&topic=78982&forum=12&start=0)
"Antitank, thou hast been relatively quiet. Canst thou tell us a little about thyself?"
"Garanz is writing my origin fic. Shut up and wait."
"Thankee girls, I shalt be seeing you on the field. Garanz, you bitch! And someone get this vision of sexual perfection off me!"
Five minutes later, with the help of a crowbar and some nuts...
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, ESPECIALLY gentlemen, I present to thee, Teh Seksi Gals!"
Two HUnewearls and a RAcaseal swagger (And I mean S w a g g e r) down the catwalk as most of the crowd wolf-whistle and cheer.
"If the games were won on numbers of drooling male fans then this team would be proclaimed undisputed champions already. Team captain is Melay, who is not very seksi at the moment. What's the deal? You're wearing dungerees and an 'M' cap..."
"It's-a me, Melay!"
"Righttttt. Dost thou have any plans for tactics?"
"It's-a good that-a you ask-a. We plan-a to distract-a the boys with our not wearing very much-a."
"But what about female opponents?"
"Well if they're distracted-a too then even better-a. If not, will kill them till they are dead. Er... -a!"
"Strong words indeed from a woman with a moustache. Next, we have that perrenial lady of the night, Miss Monroe! Dost thou have any words for thy legions of fans?"
"Yes, my telephone number is 555-6371. business hours are between... Wait a minute... What did you mean by that 'lady of the night' remark?"
"Nothing, i was merely making an astute observation on the financial dynamics of personally catered social interaction entertainment provided by a segment of the population." http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif
"Well as long as you weren't making any referrences to any of the stuff that happened in the group-fics... By the way, my newest calander will be out in the shops soon. In this one i'm 200% more nude than last year."
"I've preordered my copy already. It shalt provide good bedding for my nest...perverted humans... And Matilda,is there anything thou mayest say that would distinguish thee from the many other RAcaseals out there?"
"I just want to be loved... again and again and again! Is that too much to ask?"
"Uh...... thanks for sharing...And now, please welcome the Overlords of Ownage, the Kings of Kicking thy ass, KodiaX, Shurikane, and Zinackst! The KGB!"
The crowd go crazy as a smartly dressed, deadly serious-looking HUmar, A demented, delsaber-ised RAcaseal and a telekinetic HUnewearl arrive. They line up in a perfect formation in front of Caal, hands behind their backs, legs slightly apart. KodiaX surveys the crowd with a keen, piercing eye.
"So, tell us a little about thyselves."
They all stare at Caal. Caal stares back, waiting for a reply.
"Well?"
"What did you expect? A flashy anime entrance?" Kodi sneers. They turn and walk away.
Somewhere, someone in the crowd yells; "Ownage!" He is silenced almost immediately as Caal flies over and decides to go along with his little 'claw + head = mess?' experiment.
One corpse cleanup later....
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my great displeasure to present to thee; The truly pathetic, Team NPC!"
Mome, Ash and Shino appear. The crowd boos, hisses and throws various unsavoury objects.
"Now, here is a man hated on no less than 3 different gaming systems and the captain of the revolting Team NPC. Mome, th'art truely reviled amongst men. What is thy secret?
"Simple really. I aspire to be evil without acomplishing anything. Plus under pressure i fold faster than Superman on Laundry day! Expect me to fake my death at least once out there."
"What tactics should we expect from thy team?"
"Well, Mister Big Scary Rappy Thing, we're hoping to just not get massacred too badly out there. But if we do make it through to the finals, I hope we meet up with NPCs of Doom. Those guys suck! All of them without exception!"
"Next is the eternal pathetic n00b, Ash. Art thou looking forward to thy funeral, thou puny little scrap?"
"What you talkin about? I ain't no n00b. I've been training real hard and now and I AM the strongest there is. I'm sure there is not a Rappy alive that could beat me! I'm too 1337 for all of 'em!"
"Thou shouldst watch thy tongue for fear that it wilt end up in thy colon!"
"Bring 'em on! i'm afraid of nothing and no one!"
"Hey look, isn't that Kireek over there...? The growing stain on thy trousers and the reek of urine suggests that th'art more afraid than you say. Out of my sight, weakling! Finally we have Shino, The Cardboard RAcaseal. Is there any hope for thee?"
"I... I am so pathetic."
The crowd 'ahhhhhhhh's
"Tell us something we don't know."
"My duties for my master include cooking, hunting for him when he get mysteriously lost in the ruins and polishing his big, long smooth sword when he desires it..."
Shino appears to be lost in a daydream of some kind.
"... And on that rather disturbing note, onto the next team! Get off the stage, you nauseating wastes of bone and flesh! And now, a team of total newcomers! Please put thy claws together for... 'The Pi Team'!"
A FOnewearl dressed in orange and covered in dark green body paint skips down the gangway onto the stage, followed, rather more sedately by a pale RAmarl dressed in white and a squat, yellow HUcast. The Fonewearl seems very hyperactive and happy. Then...she notices Caal.
"RRRRAAAAPPPIIIEEEE!"
*RUNNING HIGHJUMP GLOMP*
"Floor! Ouch! Squishiness! Gah! Uh...What is thy name, oh squishy FOnewearl?"
"She won't answer." Says the RAmarl in a very shy voice. "Once my sis hugs a rappy she won't stop for about fifteen minutes."
"Hooray...My second long date with a metal floor and a pair of large squishy things...So, would you mind telling us a little about your team?"
"Well umm...I'm not in charge of the team, Palencia is...but ok. My names Elaine Rappi...she's Palencia Rappi... and this is our servant, R4G.
The HUcast nods. "Pi. Greetings. Pi. I hope to be of service to my mistresses. Pi."
"Rich girls, eh? That poor HUcast... OW!"
"I can have a couple of your feathers, right rrraaapppiiieee?"
"You leave my feathers alone, foul clinging creature of squishiness!"
"I'll keep hugging youuuu...."
"Okay...Okay...take thee two."
"I already took six!" ^_^
"Damn this 'No killing important characters' rule! And now, ladies and gentlemen, please DO NOT welcome...the NPCs of DOOM!"
Palencia and her team move to leave the stage, Palencia remaining for a moment to give Caal a final rib-crushing yet loving squeeze. Nol Rinale and Doctor Montague appear.
"Greetings, weaklings. Thy deaths shalt provide fine entertainment for the masses! ...Yet, where is thy third team member?"
Nol motions to the building, where Mome appears, jogging down the gangway to the stage. Completely naked.
"Gah!"
Caal covers his eyes as Mome heaves his obese, sweaty, hairy naked body over. Caal holds the microphone in Nol's general direction, still covering his eyes.
Caal swings the microphone towards Nol, and flinches as the mike sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Uh...Mister bird guy...You're holding the microphone to my neck..."
"I refuse to uncover mine eyes." Caal swings the microphone towards Montague, and flinches as the mike once again sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Nol, I'm not poking thy squishies, am I?"
"Heh heh. No, you're poking my hat." Pipes up Montague.
"So what dost thou plan to do in this tournament, Doctor?"
"Heh heh heh. I plan to make weapons out of- Ouch! for- Ouch! In exchange for various sexual favours. OUCH! ARRGH!"
"Art thou in pain?"
"That crazy FOnewearl over there is casting zonde on me!"
Caal swings the microphone towards Mome, and flinches as the mike yet again sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Mome, why art thou naked?"
"By my calculations, my sweaty obese body and flaccid genitals should sicken the defenders enough to allow me to score repeatedly."
"Montague, Nol, do I have thy permission to throw up over thee?"
"Heh heh...I guess..."
Caal vomits violently over the two newmans, who collapse to the ground.
"Heh heh heh. Interesting. My skin appears to be gradually yet agonisingly corroding."
"It burns... It burns!!!"
"Harsh, but fair, my girl. Harsh, but fair."
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Garanz2 on 2004-10-06 15:24 ]</font>
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/Garanz2/BombingRunBanner.jpg
Prologue
Anomalous shutdown detected.
Scanning hardware for damage...
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No damage found.
Scanning software for damage...
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No damage found.
Scanning records and files...
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No damage found.
Commence restart?
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..Y
Restart commencing.
Opening Hardware-Software-Host connections.
Loading personality matrix
Loading records
Linking files.
Complete. Garanz Mk.II online. All systems nominal.
Garanz's visor flickered blue, then came on. He began to assess his situation and surroundinngs. he was lying on his back, in a dirty, muddy abandoned arena. Apparently undamaged. He began to rise, when a sudden movement caught his eye. An enormous black shape plummeted from the open roof, gliding in a slight circle, rapidly losing altitude with controlled precision. It left his view, then came to rest just beside him. Two enormous, curved claws located themselves lightly on his face.
"Greetings, Garanz. Th'art awake, I see. Remain still, I pray you, and all will be resolved."
"Who are you?" Garanz's voice was a little shakey through his recent restart, but was the same voice he was used to.
"I am known by many names, but thou mayest refer to me as 'Caal'."
"So, 'Caal', mind taking your foot off my face?"
"I mean thou no harm, but for now it would be better if thou remained where thou art. Thou hast fallen victim to an event known as a Neo-nuke, as have I. The most concentrated form of random plot-twisting force known to exist."
"Great... So how long have I been offline?"
"Three weeks, give or take. I hath been quite enjoying my new features since the blast."
"Do I know you?"
"Thou knewest me as Del, previously."
"Del? You're alive?!"
"Indeed. And quite so. I hath undergone quite the interesting transformation since the tournament."
"Great... i'm happy for you." An image of [/sarcasm] scrolled across his visor.
"Well, it pleases me to be able to say the same... I am now six feet tall, sleek, sexy, I have wrist blades, horns, beautiful black, purple and orange feathers, an enormous shiny tail, which is an asset for gliding, and of course impressing people, and I finally got that annoyance Slash out of my brain."
"So I'm a ten-foot nuclear powered rocket-toting apocalyptic juggernaut with jets, fortified armour and napalm launchers?"
"No. Th'art a pink, pervertedly-built RAcaseal named Shelley."
"...Oh."
"I kid thee not."
"I see... Mind taking your foot off my face so I can undress myself with my eyes?"
"I would have thought thy reaction would have been one of shock or surprise, rather than sexual innuendo... Altough undressing thyself with thy eyes is a task I believe you will find rather undaunting."
"Oh yeah...Right."
Caal removed his foot from Garanz/Shelley's face, allowing the RAcast/RAcaseal to get up. Slowly.
"Umm...Caal, this ain't good. I'm carrying a lot more uh...weight in my chest than I'm used to..."
"We have more to worry about presently. You see, The Mortal Kombat Tournament no longer has a place in the flow of time. The fourth G2 tournament is about to begin, and I felt obliged to find you in order to host it and to lead your team."
"...Umm...WHAT?! TOURNAMENT?! TEAM?! NOW?!"
"It begins in a few minutes, on the Southern beach of Gal Da Val. If we hurry we can make it there in tiem for the opening. Though...how we can explain our appearances is beyond me."
"...I think I have an idea..."
"What art we to do, Garanz?"
"The same thing we do every day Caal... Try to take over the world! run a tournament without looking like complete morons! Now, here's what we're going to do..."
Introduction
Immense floodlights and deafening cheers lent a unique atmosphere to Gal Da Val's usually silent southern beach. An enormous stage and a small tempaorary administration building had been set up facing the sea, and three massive hover-barges packed with spectators rested lightly on the surface of the water, whirring photon engines deafened by the thousands of people aboard. Many of the spectators waved banners, or threw confetti and toilet rolls that arced majestically through the sky like...uh...paper.
In the lobby of the building behind the stage, Caal and G2 Shelley were making final preparations.
"We hath everything ready but one thing. Who will introduce the teams and the arenas to the crowds? We need someone with sex appeal, a good speaking voice, and an easily remembered name..."
The disturbingly-proportioned perv RAcaseal simply stared at Caal'Shto.
"Th'art not suggesting that I go out there?!"
"Yes. I am." Replied the RAcaseal snidely with her disturbingly masculine voice.
"But...the crowds will detest me! Th'art the one they expect!"
"I know. But I can't go out like this! It can barely walk without falling over, let alone present a tournament! If they found out who I was, they'd lynch me! ...Or laugh..."
"...Art thou sure they'll accept me as presenter?"
"Of course they will! They'll love you! What's not to like?"
"Sporting events aren't usually hosted by semi-psychotic anthropomorphic del rappies..."
"And droids tend to be able to support their own weight! Since when are RAcaseals this...big?"
"...I see thy point."
"Just get out there, introduce yourself and the teams, entertain them a little! It's not hard!"
"How many people are out there?"
"About five hundred thousand, give or take."
"...Art thou sure we can't talk about this?"
"Just focus, don't get distracted."
"When I'm introducing the teams, do I introduce thou and thy team as well?"
"Geez...How the hell am I going to explain this to the girls?...You'll have to introduce us I guess..."
"And I shalt refer to you as Shelley, correct?"
"Correct. Call me G2 and I forcefeed you rice."
"...Ouch..."
"Just make a good entrance, show yourself off and get the crowd on your side. Y'know, shake your tail, pull some moves."
"I shalt make an attempt...But t'will not be my fault if members of the audience find themselves dead tonight."
"...Just don't kill anyone vital to the plot."
"So, that means out of about half a million people, only around 40 are not expendable?"
"Try to kill less than half of the crowd if the worst comes to the worst. I'm making money from this, y'know?"
A sudden blaring overture began outside, and the crowd drew suspensefully silent as techno music began to play. Caal looked sheepishly towards the door, nervously nibbling on a handclaw.
"Give 'em hell, Del."
"Th'art not coming outside?"
"I'll come out with my team once I work out how to stand up under my own power without feeling like I'm going to fall over."
"...I have every confidence in thy support, Garanz."
"SHELLEY!"
"Ah! right..."
-----
The crowd held their breaths as the overture reached a crescendo (No, I have no idea what A crescendo would sound like in techno), unaware of the dark shape that flitted between the barges, gripping their sides with it's claws. It climbed the center vehicle, until it held itself prone just below the guardrail and the eerily silent crowd.
Just make a good entrance, show yourself off and get the crowd on your side. Y'know, shake your tail, pull some moves.
Caal just hoped that flying from the center of the crowd, swandiving onto the stage and introducing himself calmly would be sufficiently impressive...
The music stopped, and on cue, Caal leapt from the spectator vehicle, spreading his tail and wings and gliding out into full view of the crowd. Many of the audience gasped as he streamlined himself, plummeting towards the brightly lit stage. Then, seconds before he landed, he pulled out of his dive and spread himself again, landing perfectly on his feet, in the dead center of the spotlight. The crowd burst into applause. Caal bowed, looked up, and saw the enormous 'We love G2's freak characters!!!!1' banner. Resisting the urge to go up there to see how many holes his claws could make in someone's head without it disintegrating, he cleared his throat, equipped his microphone and called out;
"Greetings, I welcome thee to the grand opening of Garanz Mark Two's fourth, yes fourth tournament! Famous faces from all over Pioneer Two hath gathered here to battle it out for the title of Bombing Run Champion! Over the next few days, battles will be fought, won and lost! Thou wilt cheer, thou wilt cry! Heads wilt nod and heads will roll! And now, ladies and Gentlefolk, Newms and Newearls, Casts and Caseals, everyone else whose titles I can't be bothered to read, I present to thee, the teams!"
"I would like to remind you that I am doing this voluntarily and I definitely don't want anybody-"
"SORRY I'M LATE!"
"Distra...cting...er...me." (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/Garanz2/Distraction.jpg)
-----
Shelly, watching from one of the windows in the main building, watched Caal stop talking.
"Somebody poke him!"
-----
Fortunately, poking was not required.
*POWER GLOMP!*
"Arrgh! She's squishy! She's squishy!" Yelled Caal as he was driven to the floor.
"Rhynn, the squishiness of thy chest is unnerving...Umm...without further ado...I present to thee, Team G2! Give a warm welcome to Antitank, and Natalya!"
Lights flashed, music blared, crowds cheered and virgins were sacrificed to minor blood gods as two crimson HUcaseals (One substantially more 'crimson' than the other) swaggered down the gangway from the main building to the stage. Natalya looked down at Caal, who was still being forcibly hugged.
"Do you want us to come back later?"
"No, it's all right. Release me, foul temptress! Off! Where is Garanz this fine evening?"
"Oh, he's busy. We spoke to him on the BEE and he said he won't be fighting in this tournament."
"WHAT? ...I mean...Oh, really? Then who shalt lead thy team?"
"Well according to Garanz, you will."
"May falz shove burning serrated claws up his... Oh. Of course. So, tell me a little about thyself."
"I'm Natalya, and this is my sister Anita."
"Antitank!"
"Wait, how canst thou be sisters? Thou lookst more like a crimson assassin than a HUcaseal. For the last time Rhynn, as much as I enjoy sharing thy warmth, this is not the time nor the place!"
"Long story discontinued. Blades, big eye, plated armour. It's all good." (http://www.pso-world.com/viewtopic.php?mode=viewtopic&topic=78982&forum=12&start=0)
"Antitank, thou hast been relatively quiet. Canst thou tell us a little about thyself?"
"Garanz is writing my origin fic. Shut up and wait."
"Thankee girls, I shalt be seeing you on the field. Garanz, you bitch! And someone get this vision of sexual perfection off me!"
Five minutes later, with the help of a crowbar and some nuts...
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, ESPECIALLY gentlemen, I present to thee, Teh Seksi Gals!"
Two HUnewearls and a RAcaseal swagger (And I mean S w a g g e r) down the catwalk as most of the crowd wolf-whistle and cheer.
"If the games were won on numbers of drooling male fans then this team would be proclaimed undisputed champions already. Team captain is Melay, who is not very seksi at the moment. What's the deal? You're wearing dungerees and an 'M' cap..."
"It's-a me, Melay!"
"Righttttt. Dost thou have any plans for tactics?"
"It's-a good that-a you ask-a. We plan-a to distract-a the boys with our not wearing very much-a."
"But what about female opponents?"
"Well if they're distracted-a too then even better-a. If not, will kill them till they are dead. Er... -a!"
"Strong words indeed from a woman with a moustache. Next, we have that perrenial lady of the night, Miss Monroe! Dost thou have any words for thy legions of fans?"
"Yes, my telephone number is 555-6371. business hours are between... Wait a minute... What did you mean by that 'lady of the night' remark?"
"Nothing, i was merely making an astute observation on the financial dynamics of personally catered social interaction entertainment provided by a segment of the population." http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif
"Well as long as you weren't making any referrences to any of the stuff that happened in the group-fics... By the way, my newest calander will be out in the shops soon. In this one i'm 200% more nude than last year."
"I've preordered my copy already. It shalt provide good bedding for my nest...perverted humans... And Matilda,is there anything thou mayest say that would distinguish thee from the many other RAcaseals out there?"
"I just want to be loved... again and again and again! Is that too much to ask?"
"Uh...... thanks for sharing...And now, please welcome the Overlords of Ownage, the Kings of Kicking thy ass, KodiaX, Shurikane, and Zinackst! The KGB!"
The crowd go crazy as a smartly dressed, deadly serious-looking HUmar, A demented, delsaber-ised RAcaseal and a telekinetic HUnewearl arrive. They line up in a perfect formation in front of Caal, hands behind their backs, legs slightly apart. KodiaX surveys the crowd with a keen, piercing eye.
"So, tell us a little about thyselves."
They all stare at Caal. Caal stares back, waiting for a reply.
"Well?"
"What did you expect? A flashy anime entrance?" Kodi sneers. They turn and walk away.
Somewhere, someone in the crowd yells; "Ownage!" He is silenced almost immediately as Caal flies over and decides to go along with his little 'claw + head = mess?' experiment.
One corpse cleanup later....
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my great displeasure to present to thee; The truly pathetic, Team NPC!"
Mome, Ash and Shino appear. The crowd boos, hisses and throws various unsavoury objects.
"Now, here is a man hated on no less than 3 different gaming systems and the captain of the revolting Team NPC. Mome, th'art truely reviled amongst men. What is thy secret?
"Simple really. I aspire to be evil without acomplishing anything. Plus under pressure i fold faster than Superman on Laundry day! Expect me to fake my death at least once out there."
"What tactics should we expect from thy team?"
"Well, Mister Big Scary Rappy Thing, we're hoping to just not get massacred too badly out there. But if we do make it through to the finals, I hope we meet up with NPCs of Doom. Those guys suck! All of them without exception!"
"Next is the eternal pathetic n00b, Ash. Art thou looking forward to thy funeral, thou puny little scrap?"
"What you talkin about? I ain't no n00b. I've been training real hard and now and I AM the strongest there is. I'm sure there is not a Rappy alive that could beat me! I'm too 1337 for all of 'em!"
"Thou shouldst watch thy tongue for fear that it wilt end up in thy colon!"
"Bring 'em on! i'm afraid of nothing and no one!"
"Hey look, isn't that Kireek over there...? The growing stain on thy trousers and the reek of urine suggests that th'art more afraid than you say. Out of my sight, weakling! Finally we have Shino, The Cardboard RAcaseal. Is there any hope for thee?"
"I... I am so pathetic."
The crowd 'ahhhhhhhh's
"Tell us something we don't know."
"My duties for my master include cooking, hunting for him when he get mysteriously lost in the ruins and polishing his big, long smooth sword when he desires it..."
Shino appears to be lost in a daydream of some kind.
"... And on that rather disturbing note, onto the next team! Get off the stage, you nauseating wastes of bone and flesh! And now, a team of total newcomers! Please put thy claws together for... 'The Pi Team'!"
A FOnewearl dressed in orange and covered in dark green body paint skips down the gangway onto the stage, followed, rather more sedately by a pale RAmarl dressed in white and a squat, yellow HUcast. The Fonewearl seems very hyperactive and happy. Then...she notices Caal.
"RRRRAAAAPPPIIIEEEE!"
*RUNNING HIGHJUMP GLOMP*
"Floor! Ouch! Squishiness! Gah! Uh...What is thy name, oh squishy FOnewearl?"
"She won't answer." Says the RAmarl in a very shy voice. "Once my sis hugs a rappy she won't stop for about fifteen minutes."
"Hooray...My second long date with a metal floor and a pair of large squishy things...So, would you mind telling us a little about your team?"
"Well umm...I'm not in charge of the team, Palencia is...but ok. My names Elaine Rappi...she's Palencia Rappi... and this is our servant, R4G.
The HUcast nods. "Pi. Greetings. Pi. I hope to be of service to my mistresses. Pi."
"Rich girls, eh? That poor HUcast... OW!"
"I can have a couple of your feathers, right rrraaapppiiieee?"
"You leave my feathers alone, foul clinging creature of squishiness!"
"I'll keep hugging youuuu...."
"Okay...Okay...take thee two."
"I already took six!" ^_^
"Damn this 'No killing important characters' rule! And now, ladies and gentlemen, please DO NOT welcome...the NPCs of DOOM!"
Palencia and her team move to leave the stage, Palencia remaining for a moment to give Caal a final rib-crushing yet loving squeeze. Nol Rinale and Doctor Montague appear.
"Greetings, weaklings. Thy deaths shalt provide fine entertainment for the masses! ...Yet, where is thy third team member?"
Nol motions to the building, where Mome appears, jogging down the gangway to the stage. Completely naked.
"Gah!"
Caal covers his eyes as Mome heaves his obese, sweaty, hairy naked body over. Caal holds the microphone in Nol's general direction, still covering his eyes.
Caal swings the microphone towards Nol, and flinches as the mike sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Uh...Mister bird guy...You're holding the microphone to my neck..."
"I refuse to uncover mine eyes." Caal swings the microphone towards Montague, and flinches as the mike once again sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Nol, I'm not poking thy squishies, am I?"
"Heh heh. No, you're poking my hat." Pipes up Montague.
"So what dost thou plan to do in this tournament, Doctor?"
"Heh heh heh. I plan to make weapons out of- Ouch! for- Ouch! In exchange for various sexual favours. OUCH! ARRGH!"
"Art thou in pain?"
"That crazy FOnewearl over there is casting zonde on me!"
Caal swings the microphone towards Mome, and flinches as the mike yet again sinks into something soft, smooth and youthfully firm.
"Mome, why art thou naked?"
"By my calculations, my sweaty obese body and flaccid genitals should sicken the defenders enough to allow me to score repeatedly."
"Montague, Nol, do I have thy permission to throw up over thee?"
"Heh heh...I guess..."
Caal vomits violently over the two newmans, who collapse to the ground.
"Heh heh heh. Interesting. My skin appears to be gradually yet agonisingly corroding."
"It burns... It burns!!!"
"Harsh, but fair, my girl. Harsh, but fair."
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Garanz2 on 2004-10-06 15:24 ]</font>