Sagasu
Sep 13, 2004, 07:48 PM
Alright, I haven't written a rant on this forum before, or at least I don't remember doing so. But first things first,
I'm not here to get advice, I just need to explode.
I don't want your pity, I don't need words of wisdom. I need to write this down, get out my anger and clear my head, and this will do just nicely. This is sort of a one thing leading to another, so bear with me, this is going to be a long one.
I have a habit of being highly pessimistic. I'll point out both the humiliating and the unnoticed, I'll try to take it upon myself to correct what I see as flawed. I know this is a terrible thing to get myself into, but heres something else. I tend to procrastinate on things, projects, questions, whatever. I realize what I'm doing, but I find myself too damned hot headed to accept this (though a lot of the times I am right.). Now this has taken an effect upon my status in the family.
I have two younger sibling, sweet and docile 10% of the time, fucking annoying the next 90%. Now it is my duty as the older brother to at least try to help them learn right from wrong(i use this term very lightly). So living at my fathers house, my stepmother and father are very busy for most of the day. My dad has a regular job as an editor for a mining company, nice salary and all, but it eats up a lot of his time. My stepmother's job requires her to get up at 5:30 every hellish morning to update a news article by noon. She has to search through hundreds of web-sites to gather her info, and then write her own stuff. So by the time she's done, the poor woman is very, very tired.
So it naturally falls upon two peoples heads to look after the children during this time. My oldest brother, and myself.
Let me take a moment to explain my families status. My other brother is also older than me, and lives with my mother. I had to make a choice, go with my mother and fight my way through public school; Or my father, and teach myself what I know via homeschool. Freedom is my lover, so I'd be damned to stick myself in a public institution longer than I had to. Thus meaning I dropped out of middle school at the end of the seventh grade and join my father out in the great nowhere of winsconsin. No friends, no towns closer than a mile away, I basically am holed up in my room and get my social interactivity through the net. So yeah, I find courses of physics, nano-tech, languages etc. on the web and download them to my computer. So I'm on psow almost all day, working, whatever. I'm 13, and probably the most responsible out of my siblings. The next brother up is 15, he lives with my mom; The guy has no self conciousness, he'll stumble into people and such, and acts goofy all the time. Hes into drama and such, and public school doesn't bother him causse he can get along with most people sine he's so easy going. For the same reasons, he and I have had some very nasty arguements, another reason why I chose to live away from him. My oldest bro is 17, the artist. You often find him staring off into space and singing black sabbath and the like, his usuall absent mindedness often causes him to be careless, and do things that annoy the shit out of everyone. We've fought a lot as well, and yet again we've been on eachothers side backing eachother up. So meh, I don't care for them much.
I am smack dab in the middle of the five of us, and its a position I take no relish from. My parents are fond of all of us, despite what we do or think. But they are also extremely talented individuals, with strong principals. The three of us, 13, 15, and 17 (to avoid using real names), being the sons of one mother, were the first children my dad ever had. So of course, mistakes in his parenting are corrected and revised for my younger two siblings. "strict' is how you may call our up bringing. And I can say I fought the rules tooth and nail all the way. They also have some high expectations of us. My mother, a wonderfull mathematician, has graced us with her genes. While my father, a writer and freedom fighter, also made us speak his name with some pride. So naturally, I've got some expectations to live up to. The first eight years of my life were lived with my father, advanced learning, advanced thinking, ect. Not many friends, but fertile ground for learning. At my mothers, my real social life began. Public school, girlfriends, rivals, fights, making my mother cry because I couldn't just let my opinion rest while I was oppressed on all sides. This began my writing interest, helping me flower to what I am now. I'll be honest with myself, I think I'm pretty damned good for 13.
So back to the rant. Middle child then, youngest before. All sorts of misconceptions developing angst, the average yip yap. But heres the catch Angsty filled I was, I started to become my own distinct person. I'm not modeled off of my parents, or my brothers, or my peers. I simply am I who I am. Cynicall, demoralizing, thought filled person, (somewhat like my father in those respects) Smart (I'm tired of being humble, want me to preach to ya bitch?), aware of my self image, and influenced by emotions (somewhat like my mother). But I am also cocky, and willing to go out of my way for others. My brothers piss me off because they can't see 6 inches in front of their faces, and I'm usually the one to take it upon myself to solve the aftermath. Blah, I try hard to help my family, and I do, I just can't do everything for them, so naturally I'm going to feel as If I've failed. I'm a sore loser, I'll admit this openly. But I like to make my stepmother smile when shes about to erupt from stress, I like to make my father feel like I've progressed with my skills, and make him feel proud. Yet my attitude often causes veiled arrguements. My father will sometimes joke about our bad habits, and we'll joke back. But I'm done fooling around.
Over the few months that I've been with my father again, I've been tolf repeatedly to mind my own buisiness or "stop busy bodying you brother, if you want to act that way you can make your own children" First, we live in the same damned house. I'm sorry, but I'm not fucking putty in your hands. I dont bend backwards or in loops to make myself fit the puzzle.
This amongst other things are starting to pile up, and become jokes no more. I recognize my flaws, but they're fatal, I'm sorry. I was raised the way I was, I cannot simply 'will' myself to stop my behaviour. Today at the dinner table, we got into a similar discussion about bossing my brother around "Your not his father, leave your brother to me" I hate that shit. I deal with YOUR children for a good portion of the day, am I just supposed to let them walk over me and tell you about it later? Fuck no. I took my food upstairs before I spouted hostile words, and here I am. Trying to figure out just what I'm going to do about myself and my family.
What I need is my own home, my own job, my own life. I tried living with my mom, we're not soulmates, after a time our flaws drive us apart. Same thing goes for my father. And what do you do if you cannot live in peace? Leave, don't just let your habits rub together and make friction that may catch fire.
Okay, so I want my own home. I'm a fucking 13 year old. I'm in the middle of farmland. I've tried looking for work around here, but its fall and the farmers are now trying to get rid of all the workers they've gathered over the summer, and the nearest job offering in town is at a gas statioon (I'd have to lie about my age to be accepted anyway.)
I'm willing to work hard, they're not willing to accept this. Farmland isn't exactly the most fruitful place for job openings. I've basically lived most of my life secluded, so I'm not sure of the places I would go elsewhere for work. At this point and time I don't care If I have to just work my ass off to afford rent on a cheap apartment, I'd go to sleep on my own bed, and for this fact I would be happy. I know what its like to work hard, I've done ranch work, farm work, construction, lots of stuff. I can write a good essay on almost any subject given to me, I can write you a good novel if I had a devotion (knowing I could sell it, practicing new skills, etc.)
But I'm stuck. Stuck here with this family, with this life, stuck with myself. So I either need to come up with a plan for my self, or cope with the fact things cannot be perfect. So blah, meh, fuck shit damn. Thats my situation, and I'm being serious about it. I'd give it all up just to be alone, and supporting myself.
And I'm sick of it. Sick and tired, begging for a change.
[/rant of a teenage angsty anarchist/athiest]
Sorry about that, I just really, really needed to vent.
I'm not here to get advice, I just need to explode.
I don't want your pity, I don't need words of wisdom. I need to write this down, get out my anger and clear my head, and this will do just nicely. This is sort of a one thing leading to another, so bear with me, this is going to be a long one.
I have a habit of being highly pessimistic. I'll point out both the humiliating and the unnoticed, I'll try to take it upon myself to correct what I see as flawed. I know this is a terrible thing to get myself into, but heres something else. I tend to procrastinate on things, projects, questions, whatever. I realize what I'm doing, but I find myself too damned hot headed to accept this (though a lot of the times I am right.). Now this has taken an effect upon my status in the family.
I have two younger sibling, sweet and docile 10% of the time, fucking annoying the next 90%. Now it is my duty as the older brother to at least try to help them learn right from wrong(i use this term very lightly). So living at my fathers house, my stepmother and father are very busy for most of the day. My dad has a regular job as an editor for a mining company, nice salary and all, but it eats up a lot of his time. My stepmother's job requires her to get up at 5:30 every hellish morning to update a news article by noon. She has to search through hundreds of web-sites to gather her info, and then write her own stuff. So by the time she's done, the poor woman is very, very tired.
So it naturally falls upon two peoples heads to look after the children during this time. My oldest brother, and myself.
Let me take a moment to explain my families status. My other brother is also older than me, and lives with my mother. I had to make a choice, go with my mother and fight my way through public school; Or my father, and teach myself what I know via homeschool. Freedom is my lover, so I'd be damned to stick myself in a public institution longer than I had to. Thus meaning I dropped out of middle school at the end of the seventh grade and join my father out in the great nowhere of winsconsin. No friends, no towns closer than a mile away, I basically am holed up in my room and get my social interactivity through the net. So yeah, I find courses of physics, nano-tech, languages etc. on the web and download them to my computer. So I'm on psow almost all day, working, whatever. I'm 13, and probably the most responsible out of my siblings. The next brother up is 15, he lives with my mom; The guy has no self conciousness, he'll stumble into people and such, and acts goofy all the time. Hes into drama and such, and public school doesn't bother him causse he can get along with most people sine he's so easy going. For the same reasons, he and I have had some very nasty arguements, another reason why I chose to live away from him. My oldest bro is 17, the artist. You often find him staring off into space and singing black sabbath and the like, his usuall absent mindedness often causes him to be careless, and do things that annoy the shit out of everyone. We've fought a lot as well, and yet again we've been on eachothers side backing eachother up. So meh, I don't care for them much.
I am smack dab in the middle of the five of us, and its a position I take no relish from. My parents are fond of all of us, despite what we do or think. But they are also extremely talented individuals, with strong principals. The three of us, 13, 15, and 17 (to avoid using real names), being the sons of one mother, were the first children my dad ever had. So of course, mistakes in his parenting are corrected and revised for my younger two siblings. "strict' is how you may call our up bringing. And I can say I fought the rules tooth and nail all the way. They also have some high expectations of us. My mother, a wonderfull mathematician, has graced us with her genes. While my father, a writer and freedom fighter, also made us speak his name with some pride. So naturally, I've got some expectations to live up to. The first eight years of my life were lived with my father, advanced learning, advanced thinking, ect. Not many friends, but fertile ground for learning. At my mothers, my real social life began. Public school, girlfriends, rivals, fights, making my mother cry because I couldn't just let my opinion rest while I was oppressed on all sides. This began my writing interest, helping me flower to what I am now. I'll be honest with myself, I think I'm pretty damned good for 13.
So back to the rant. Middle child then, youngest before. All sorts of misconceptions developing angst, the average yip yap. But heres the catch Angsty filled I was, I started to become my own distinct person. I'm not modeled off of my parents, or my brothers, or my peers. I simply am I who I am. Cynicall, demoralizing, thought filled person, (somewhat like my father in those respects) Smart (I'm tired of being humble, want me to preach to ya bitch?), aware of my self image, and influenced by emotions (somewhat like my mother). But I am also cocky, and willing to go out of my way for others. My brothers piss me off because they can't see 6 inches in front of their faces, and I'm usually the one to take it upon myself to solve the aftermath. Blah, I try hard to help my family, and I do, I just can't do everything for them, so naturally I'm going to feel as If I've failed. I'm a sore loser, I'll admit this openly. But I like to make my stepmother smile when shes about to erupt from stress, I like to make my father feel like I've progressed with my skills, and make him feel proud. Yet my attitude often causes veiled arrguements. My father will sometimes joke about our bad habits, and we'll joke back. But I'm done fooling around.
Over the few months that I've been with my father again, I've been tolf repeatedly to mind my own buisiness or "stop busy bodying you brother, if you want to act that way you can make your own children" First, we live in the same damned house. I'm sorry, but I'm not fucking putty in your hands. I dont bend backwards or in loops to make myself fit the puzzle.
This amongst other things are starting to pile up, and become jokes no more. I recognize my flaws, but they're fatal, I'm sorry. I was raised the way I was, I cannot simply 'will' myself to stop my behaviour. Today at the dinner table, we got into a similar discussion about bossing my brother around "Your not his father, leave your brother to me" I hate that shit. I deal with YOUR children for a good portion of the day, am I just supposed to let them walk over me and tell you about it later? Fuck no. I took my food upstairs before I spouted hostile words, and here I am. Trying to figure out just what I'm going to do about myself and my family.
What I need is my own home, my own job, my own life. I tried living with my mom, we're not soulmates, after a time our flaws drive us apart. Same thing goes for my father. And what do you do if you cannot live in peace? Leave, don't just let your habits rub together and make friction that may catch fire.
Okay, so I want my own home. I'm a fucking 13 year old. I'm in the middle of farmland. I've tried looking for work around here, but its fall and the farmers are now trying to get rid of all the workers they've gathered over the summer, and the nearest job offering in town is at a gas statioon (I'd have to lie about my age to be accepted anyway.)
I'm willing to work hard, they're not willing to accept this. Farmland isn't exactly the most fruitful place for job openings. I've basically lived most of my life secluded, so I'm not sure of the places I would go elsewhere for work. At this point and time I don't care If I have to just work my ass off to afford rent on a cheap apartment, I'd go to sleep on my own bed, and for this fact I would be happy. I know what its like to work hard, I've done ranch work, farm work, construction, lots of stuff. I can write a good essay on almost any subject given to me, I can write you a good novel if I had a devotion (knowing I could sell it, practicing new skills, etc.)
But I'm stuck. Stuck here with this family, with this life, stuck with myself. So I either need to come up with a plan for my self, or cope with the fact things cannot be perfect. So blah, meh, fuck shit damn. Thats my situation, and I'm being serious about it. I'd give it all up just to be alone, and supporting myself.
And I'm sick of it. Sick and tired, begging for a change.
[/rant of a teenage angsty anarchist/athiest]
Sorry about that, I just really, really needed to vent.