Sagasu
Oct 1, 2004, 11:03 AM
If I'm going to make a habit out of coming to rants, maybe I should just get a live journal for this stuff.
Well, this is going to be another long one, so sit tight and try not to miss the details if your taking the time to read this. This, isn't.. really.. a rant. I suppose it could be, but I find those who speak in rants to give more helpfull advice and/or wisdom than elsewhere.
Right now I'm feeling somewhat tense, and uncertain. The reason for this may look simple on the outside, but it really has some roots that go deep beneath the surface. To start off, I live with my father currently, since my mother and he got a divorce when I was under a year old. It was habit during the thirteen years of my life, to switch back and forth between living with either my mom or my dad. I would stay with one parent for a time, they always lived far apart, so we would usually go visit the other side of the family for vacation periods. Like summer, christmas, easter, ect..
Heres the trouble.
Last year, in the last few months of the 7th grade, my personal distaste for school life, home life, and most social activities in my mothers home caused me to drop out of the public education system without completing the year. I called my father and said "I want out, as soon as possible." Rash, selfish, crude, yes, thats me. Of course, it goes without saying that my mother was quite shocked when I went into her room with a somewhat somber expression and a phone in my hand.
"Mom, we need to talk about something." I explained to her my dislike of the schools, I explained to her my dislike of most of the people, I explained to her that I needed time away from this, away from the shit one has to go through in a life like mine, and a life like yours. My mother is quite an emotional person, very spiritual, so needless to say she cried over this matter for quite some time. At first, after I was done speaking, she said a few words and then told me to go away for a while so that she could think. (she was trying to hold a straight face, but after several years of living with her I knew that a breakdown was coming)
About an hour later I returned to her room, sure enough her eyes where red and I could read the expression on her face clear as day. She began somewhat compassionatley, saying it was my choice if I wanted to go, it was my choice where I wanted to be. Then she pointed out that if I left now, I would most likely have to repeat the seventh grade again if I returned to public school, and that I should at least stay and complete the year. I declined, and said that my father could have tickets ready for a flight out by thursday (this was on a weekend, and I intended to be home schooled) She told me this was extremely selfish, and that I wouldn't get anywhere by running away from my problems. Sad but unphased, I left from North Carolina to Winsconsin on a thursday morning. Of course, as all mothers do, she assures me that she knows how I feel and that she hopes that I would be able to find what I was looking for and that I would always have a home there.
Highlight, angsty teen leaves home at the expense of his parents to attempt to satisfy his selfishness. =/
Well, I'm now living with my dad. My oldest brother followed in my footsteps and left our mothers house some weeks after me. Apparently he also left on "selfish inent". So my mother was left with one child for a month or two till the summer. Then the one child came over here and she was alone for a few months, untill the one child came back. Now, it has been arranged for my brother and I to leave from here, back to our mothers house from mid october to the end of december.
w00t?
So I am returning to my mother house, and heres my tension.
Tension with mother - Yeah yeah, sappy lubby dubby mothers will always love you stuff. But I will be there for a while, and I have no doubt that conflicts hiding under the surface will eventually unearth themselves. I anticipating severl conversations. Why I left when I did| The people I left behind| The opportunities I left behind| Middle school was bad/ but will you come back and try out high school| What makes living with your father different| Did living with your father make a difference| Are you happy?| The last three are the worst of them all. If you read my previous rant, you know that I wasn't able to get away from my problems, you know that I'm quite unhappy with my life with both families, and you know I'm an unhappy person, despite how I try to hide it with fake smiles.
It reminds me of my favorite quote from the band Korn "All along I seem to make believe, and the shit seems to follow" I thought I could get away didn't I? I made up my own illusion that there was peace to be had. But now you will see the results,
Tension with friends - Despite me being a selfish, angsty little thirteen year old, in the time that I lived with my mother I managed to collect a number of friends. One of them moved, so I have my regrets of not being able to explain myself to him. One of them was a 'close' friend, she may have moved, she may not, I have her fucking phone number but I don't have the guts to call. I tried her e-mail (so much easier [/selfishness]) but she checks that once in a blue moon, if ever. She and I tried our luck with a b/f g/f deal, but things didn't work out so well and we seperated. This might of killed our friendship in the long run, so I'm going back there and I'm not going to be able to really explain to her why I left. Why I left her (my reasons for breaking up with her are miserable, to say the least), and then why I left this place completely. One of my good buddies is still around, and I plan to try to visit him regularily. He has an account on PSOW, and we swap pm's every now and then. But he hasn't had time lately, so meh. I also expect several conversations from him, and perhaps another fellow if he's still around (these cenversations are basically what I epect to be somewhat dramatic) . Why I left| What is it like at my fathers| Do I have any friends over there| When am I coming back, if ever.| The last one is by far the most painfull. I just don't know how to answer these. I miss my social life from north carolina, and I'll miss my solitude from winsconsin. damnit =/
Tension with sensei - My best friend from north carolina is my martial arts sensei. Our entire family was quite involved with him, in more ways than you can imagine. I was basically the best student he had, and one of the oldest and closest. On the weekend I decided to leave, I broke down in martial arts, and stormed outside the building not heeding his order to come back. I sat in the cold baseball field outside of the recreation center that served as our dojo for an hour or so before my mother came out and told me it was time to leave. I saw him once again before I left,
"Why are you leaving?"
"I've got some problems to take care of."
We hugged, it was basically the symbol of our friendship, like we were family. Now in the time I'm going to spend at my mothers, I'm undoubtedly going to be in martial arts classes again. Hes a short, bald, black guy that used to teach the military thugs how to defend themselves. In the three years I served as his pupil, I learned more about controlling, using, strengthening and toughening my body than I probably could learn in a life time on my own. He's somewhat prone to anger, since he too has a problem laden life. So I'm probably going to be spending a good amount of time catching up on my skills, and he'll probably take some anger out on me from leaving by working my ass to the floor. All good fun, I like to excersise, and I continued conditioning my body even after I left. Its not the sparring, or the throwing, or the work out that makes me tense, its the inevitable conversations were bound to have. He's a man of little words when speaking passionatley, but I do expect to exchange a few ideas with him during my stay. Why I left, w/ detail. | My life at my fathers| My life back in north carolina| Have I continued to pursue martial arts| Did I over come my problems by leaving them behind.| In truth, my problems still exist, I haven't been practising or pursueing martial arts, he loves what he does more than anything else so no doubt this will hurt him. Damn.. Damn.. Damn..
Tension with Brothers - I dont boast a strong, loving connection with my brothers, but were still family, and united in a place of some grief I doubt our uneasyness will go undiscussed. I don't expect major problems with this, maybe some arguements, maybe some sad conversations about life without one another.. This is basically the first time that the three of us, the children of our father and our mother, have been seperted in different homes. Over time one gets used to having the support of such people behind you, yet one of my brothers chose to stay since his roots extend deeper into that life than with our father. I expect that he had to take some of the emotional abuse of our mothers anger at our selfish departures. I expect he was the victim of our sensei's venting his own anger at such close people leaving him when he already has so little left. I expect he himself misses us to a certain extent. I expect myself to ask him such questions, I want to go back there and see what I did to my previous life and take responsibility for my actions. Yet, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I wont be able to stand up and apologize. I'm afraid I won't be able to have these needed conversation with the ones I love and care for. I'm afraid that I won't be forgiven for doing what I did, despite if they say that its no big deal. It is, I left and theres nothing to change that. I left to be happy, but I cannot say I'm happy. I left to be free, I cannot say that I am free of societies chains. I left my problems unsolved, and in my absence it may have festered into something worse. Its an emotionally, physically, mentally challenging time for the entire family, and my selfishness isn't helping it any.
I wan't to go back and tie up loose ends from me pushing away, yet I am unsure of just what will happen. This uncertain feeling creates tension in myself, and this creates tension in others. If I go back there, ignoring the bad and living for the good, its only going to come back and bite me. I wonder how many fake, and sad smiles I will have to smile to make things better again. How can you not be a burden upon the ones you love when the very connection between you and them makes it so how you feel influences the other? If my father is sad, it effects all of us, If I am sad, it effects all of us. So when I return, I just.. dont know.
Sorry about the length, I tend to tell my life story when letting loose like this. And the sad thing is even if I clear my slate and empty my guilty conscience, it won't be the end of my problems.
Drama -,,,-
And on a small side note: She also has a modem connection *gag* So my internet access will be seriously choked back. I'm not going to spend all of my time with my mother healing untreated wounds =/
Well, this is going to be another long one, so sit tight and try not to miss the details if your taking the time to read this. This, isn't.. really.. a rant. I suppose it could be, but I find those who speak in rants to give more helpfull advice and/or wisdom than elsewhere.
Right now I'm feeling somewhat tense, and uncertain. The reason for this may look simple on the outside, but it really has some roots that go deep beneath the surface. To start off, I live with my father currently, since my mother and he got a divorce when I was under a year old. It was habit during the thirteen years of my life, to switch back and forth between living with either my mom or my dad. I would stay with one parent for a time, they always lived far apart, so we would usually go visit the other side of the family for vacation periods. Like summer, christmas, easter, ect..
Heres the trouble.
Last year, in the last few months of the 7th grade, my personal distaste for school life, home life, and most social activities in my mothers home caused me to drop out of the public education system without completing the year. I called my father and said "I want out, as soon as possible." Rash, selfish, crude, yes, thats me. Of course, it goes without saying that my mother was quite shocked when I went into her room with a somewhat somber expression and a phone in my hand.
"Mom, we need to talk about something." I explained to her my dislike of the schools, I explained to her my dislike of most of the people, I explained to her that I needed time away from this, away from the shit one has to go through in a life like mine, and a life like yours. My mother is quite an emotional person, very spiritual, so needless to say she cried over this matter for quite some time. At first, after I was done speaking, she said a few words and then told me to go away for a while so that she could think. (she was trying to hold a straight face, but after several years of living with her I knew that a breakdown was coming)
About an hour later I returned to her room, sure enough her eyes where red and I could read the expression on her face clear as day. She began somewhat compassionatley, saying it was my choice if I wanted to go, it was my choice where I wanted to be. Then she pointed out that if I left now, I would most likely have to repeat the seventh grade again if I returned to public school, and that I should at least stay and complete the year. I declined, and said that my father could have tickets ready for a flight out by thursday (this was on a weekend, and I intended to be home schooled) She told me this was extremely selfish, and that I wouldn't get anywhere by running away from my problems. Sad but unphased, I left from North Carolina to Winsconsin on a thursday morning. Of course, as all mothers do, she assures me that she knows how I feel and that she hopes that I would be able to find what I was looking for and that I would always have a home there.
Highlight, angsty teen leaves home at the expense of his parents to attempt to satisfy his selfishness. =/
Well, I'm now living with my dad. My oldest brother followed in my footsteps and left our mothers house some weeks after me. Apparently he also left on "selfish inent". So my mother was left with one child for a month or two till the summer. Then the one child came over here and she was alone for a few months, untill the one child came back. Now, it has been arranged for my brother and I to leave from here, back to our mothers house from mid october to the end of december.
w00t?
So I am returning to my mother house, and heres my tension.
Tension with mother - Yeah yeah, sappy lubby dubby mothers will always love you stuff. But I will be there for a while, and I have no doubt that conflicts hiding under the surface will eventually unearth themselves. I anticipating severl conversations. Why I left when I did| The people I left behind| The opportunities I left behind| Middle school was bad/ but will you come back and try out high school| What makes living with your father different| Did living with your father make a difference| Are you happy?| The last three are the worst of them all. If you read my previous rant, you know that I wasn't able to get away from my problems, you know that I'm quite unhappy with my life with both families, and you know I'm an unhappy person, despite how I try to hide it with fake smiles.
It reminds me of my favorite quote from the band Korn "All along I seem to make believe, and the shit seems to follow" I thought I could get away didn't I? I made up my own illusion that there was peace to be had. But now you will see the results,
Tension with friends - Despite me being a selfish, angsty little thirteen year old, in the time that I lived with my mother I managed to collect a number of friends. One of them moved, so I have my regrets of not being able to explain myself to him. One of them was a 'close' friend, she may have moved, she may not, I have her fucking phone number but I don't have the guts to call. I tried her e-mail (so much easier [/selfishness]) but she checks that once in a blue moon, if ever. She and I tried our luck with a b/f g/f deal, but things didn't work out so well and we seperated. This might of killed our friendship in the long run, so I'm going back there and I'm not going to be able to really explain to her why I left. Why I left her (my reasons for breaking up with her are miserable, to say the least), and then why I left this place completely. One of my good buddies is still around, and I plan to try to visit him regularily. He has an account on PSOW, and we swap pm's every now and then. But he hasn't had time lately, so meh. I also expect several conversations from him, and perhaps another fellow if he's still around (these cenversations are basically what I epect to be somewhat dramatic) . Why I left| What is it like at my fathers| Do I have any friends over there| When am I coming back, if ever.| The last one is by far the most painfull. I just don't know how to answer these. I miss my social life from north carolina, and I'll miss my solitude from winsconsin. damnit =/
Tension with sensei - My best friend from north carolina is my martial arts sensei. Our entire family was quite involved with him, in more ways than you can imagine. I was basically the best student he had, and one of the oldest and closest. On the weekend I decided to leave, I broke down in martial arts, and stormed outside the building not heeding his order to come back. I sat in the cold baseball field outside of the recreation center that served as our dojo for an hour or so before my mother came out and told me it was time to leave. I saw him once again before I left,
"Why are you leaving?"
"I've got some problems to take care of."
We hugged, it was basically the symbol of our friendship, like we were family. Now in the time I'm going to spend at my mothers, I'm undoubtedly going to be in martial arts classes again. Hes a short, bald, black guy that used to teach the military thugs how to defend themselves. In the three years I served as his pupil, I learned more about controlling, using, strengthening and toughening my body than I probably could learn in a life time on my own. He's somewhat prone to anger, since he too has a problem laden life. So I'm probably going to be spending a good amount of time catching up on my skills, and he'll probably take some anger out on me from leaving by working my ass to the floor. All good fun, I like to excersise, and I continued conditioning my body even after I left. Its not the sparring, or the throwing, or the work out that makes me tense, its the inevitable conversations were bound to have. He's a man of little words when speaking passionatley, but I do expect to exchange a few ideas with him during my stay. Why I left, w/ detail. | My life at my fathers| My life back in north carolina| Have I continued to pursue martial arts| Did I over come my problems by leaving them behind.| In truth, my problems still exist, I haven't been practising or pursueing martial arts, he loves what he does more than anything else so no doubt this will hurt him. Damn.. Damn.. Damn..
Tension with Brothers - I dont boast a strong, loving connection with my brothers, but were still family, and united in a place of some grief I doubt our uneasyness will go undiscussed. I don't expect major problems with this, maybe some arguements, maybe some sad conversations about life without one another.. This is basically the first time that the three of us, the children of our father and our mother, have been seperted in different homes. Over time one gets used to having the support of such people behind you, yet one of my brothers chose to stay since his roots extend deeper into that life than with our father. I expect that he had to take some of the emotional abuse of our mothers anger at our selfish departures. I expect he was the victim of our sensei's venting his own anger at such close people leaving him when he already has so little left. I expect he himself misses us to a certain extent. I expect myself to ask him such questions, I want to go back there and see what I did to my previous life and take responsibility for my actions. Yet, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I wont be able to stand up and apologize. I'm afraid I won't be able to have these needed conversation with the ones I love and care for. I'm afraid that I won't be forgiven for doing what I did, despite if they say that its no big deal. It is, I left and theres nothing to change that. I left to be happy, but I cannot say I'm happy. I left to be free, I cannot say that I am free of societies chains. I left my problems unsolved, and in my absence it may have festered into something worse. Its an emotionally, physically, mentally challenging time for the entire family, and my selfishness isn't helping it any.
I wan't to go back and tie up loose ends from me pushing away, yet I am unsure of just what will happen. This uncertain feeling creates tension in myself, and this creates tension in others. If I go back there, ignoring the bad and living for the good, its only going to come back and bite me. I wonder how many fake, and sad smiles I will have to smile to make things better again. How can you not be a burden upon the ones you love when the very connection between you and them makes it so how you feel influences the other? If my father is sad, it effects all of us, If I am sad, it effects all of us. So when I return, I just.. dont know.
Sorry about the length, I tend to tell my life story when letting loose like this. And the sad thing is even if I clear my slate and empty my guilty conscience, it won't be the end of my problems.
Drama -,,,-
And on a small side note: She also has a modem connection *gag* So my internet access will be seriously choked back. I'm not going to spend all of my time with my mother healing untreated wounds =/