Pride

[Sagasu]

Its somewhat ironic that my mother said that my pride was my worst enemy, and that I should just let it go. But now I find that I wish I had pride to speak of, cause I'm feeling to lowest of lows right now.

Its also somewhat sickening that I have often critiqued someone in a harsh manner for looking for sympathy and/or praise, when I right now am feeling miserable due to the lack of compassion and/or appreciation in my life.

Its painful for me to accept that I am only as talented as I make myself, and right now I feel as if my efforts while straining, are not enough.

Its maddening for the one thing I consider myself to have any true skill for, to be underappreciated and ignored as it is.

Its frightening when your mind constantly wanders across death, more specificaly, more ways to end it all. Whenever I pick up a knife, or take a shower, I can vision the pain leaving as my conciousness fades from either bleeding or drowing to the end of my life.

Its humiliating to consider yourself a strong individual who can support and support himself without being influenced by others, to curl up in a ball at night and cry yourself to sleep when you feel cold and alone, weak and useless.

Well, my mother said my non-existant pride was getting in my way. I have brutalized others with words for being weakened and have literally no self esteem left due to a fucked up life. I have made myself what I am, and I am a despairing lost cause, have I failed in the role of a creator? I have felt that my one true talent lies in word smithing, yet as it stands, me living any other life than in some damned cubicle working for simple pleasures and reliefs from grief is highly unlikely. I've dropped out of schools since they witheld me in this area, yet my mother has told me bluntly that I will be nothing without the pieces of paper I get from graduating, and my father provides hollow support in the nurturing of my hopes. I have found myself thinking of suicide, and I'm beggining to become afraid of myself in that respect. Physical pain is nothing to me, cuts, punctures, strain, I'm a hardworking person, I can take toil and bodily turmoil and not shed a tear. Yet failing at the mind has sent me into fits of tears, where my body shakes from supressing the urge to moan and cry out in the night.

I'm torn, and the only reason I can even think of posting this for is for sympathy, and some sort of reassurance that I am not just another worthless fish in the sea waiting for some larger predator to fuck with my life and the ones I hold close to my heart. I just don't know, I'm not angry, nor confused, nor ashamed or violent, I'm sad in its essence. I can think clearly, I can write clearly, but I cannot smile without lying.

I don't like this, I don't like not having any pride to speak of, no self estemm, no talent.

So yeah, I just spoke the words of millions of other teens huddled up in their corners begging their gods for a less brutal life. It seems all I have left is hope, yet I fear soon it will only be replaced by dissapointment.

[Solstis]

So within your greatest (yet nonexistent) strength you find your weakness?

I'm pretty worried... this rant reminds me of Aristotle's Archetype for a tragedy.

Then again, it's wonderful to discover the problem through a detatched lens, but giving the advice is the hardest part.

I had been feeling this way for the last month or so, wondering if I would truly be missed if I stepped out in front of a passing vehicle.

I then realized that at the moment, the only reason I was living was for the sake of others. I felt the need to surround myself with my loved ones and friends... which at first proved to be more painful that beneficial.

Eventually though, I had a nice talk with an old friend, and felt better afterwards.

I can't really give you advice, I suppose, but hope that you can find someone to rely on.

[dude3282]

I dunno, I usually turn to religion when I feel like this and that solves all my problems. It's a bit scary when you're holding something that could end your life, and you can see exactly how you would do it, and you hear that little voice in the back of your head taunting you, "just try it." Luckily I've moved on from that stage of my life, but all I can say is to hold on. It's never too hard to bear, there's always a chance that you could turn your life around as long as you have hope. And there are those that care. I just talked to someone today that I met a long time ago and she cared a lot more about me than I ever would have imagined; I didn't even think she remembered my name. And it was surprisingly comforting to know that I had one mroe friend than I thought I did. Heck, you've got the entire message board looking out for you. Live for us if nothing else.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I'm posting this image every time you throw out the phrase attention whore:

http://www.hsquizbowl.org/randompics/potkettle.jpg

[ABDUR101]

"If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If a problem can't be solved, worrying will do no good".

You're not useless, you have a functional brain. As to what you expect out of life, your expectations of a life you want to live, thats someone every person has to live up to on their own.

Heh, you froze yourself emotionally for so long, that when you finally thawed out, you scared yourself.

As for you working a crap existance in a cubicle. It's not set in stone. Hell I dropped out of school at 9th grade, and while I was lucky to get a job at a nursing facility and pick up the ropes, the ins and outs, and after three years finally get a Program Manager role that oversee's an entire therapy department for a facility, I guess who really fucking cares?

At first I thought I'd be shit out of luck without a highschool diploma and education, but it's all numbers and words and shit you can learn on your own, or take lessons for later if you need it for a career choice. As it stands, I'm glad I dropped out and have walked the distance I have. There's been plenty of broken stones along the way that I've had to stumble with, and as much of a pain as they were, they've made it all interesting.

Whether you like it or not, you're always influenced by others to a degree. Your only control is by how much you are influenced.

Thinking of suicide, meh. Sometimes I try and look down the road I'm walking in life, and think "In 10 years from now, will I enjoy where and who I am?". Sometimes I despair, unsure if I'm going the right way, and other times I realise that 10, 8, 5, even 2 years down the line, I can't judge where and who I'll be. I make myself day by day.

You have a blank ticket, it's with you your entire life, even though most don't realise it. Use it as often as you want to go, do and become whatever you see fit.

[navci]

On 2004-11-16 16:16, ABDUR101 wrote:

At first I thought I'd be shit out of luck without a highschool diploma and education, but it's all numbers and words and shit you can learn on your own, or take lessons for later if you need it for a career choice.



I have a Bachelor's degree, look where it is taking me!

[ABDUR101]

On 2004-11-16 16:24, navinator wrote:
I have a Bachelor's degree, look where it is taking me!


To infinite and...! *raises arm with finger pointing into space*


*quickly points at a group of people*
...the unemployment line! =D

[navci]

On 2004-11-16 16:31, ABDUR101 wrote:


On 2004-11-16 16:24, navinator wrote:
I have a Bachelor's degree, look where it is taking me!


To infinite and...! *raises arm with finger pointing into space*


*quickly points at a group of people*
...the unemployment line! =D



Hey. I am SO employed right now. http://www.pso-world.com/psoworld/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

But. No, it is true. Education means nothing if you have nothing to back it up. I learn the lesson the hard way.

[Sagasu]

On 2004-11-16 16:03, Solstis wrote:

I can't really give you advice, I suppose, but hope that you can find someone to rely on.



Heh, I wont really be able to live for myself, because theres nothing left living for there.

I hope so to, I really do. I thought maybe you, or immers could help me, but I found that I'm going to need something more material.

Always been told not to get my hopes up, but when its all you have left to depend on..

:/

[TheOneHero]

I can assure you I know how you feel. I've wanted to end it so many times. I assured myself it would be for the best, I mean, everything would be better without me right?

No. I was wrong, and for once; I was glad. I looked around me, saw what impact I made on the lives of people around me. I saw what people meant to me, and how much better they thought about themselves because of me. I looked at the bigger picture, you should too.

You told me to learn to bide, I tell you to take your own advice. Wait it out, things are going to get better sooner or later.

You mentioned hollow support from your dad. I can relate well; my dad thinks little to none of my works, my hopes, the things that make me feel alive. I've put up with it for a few years now. If someone doesn't give you the support and ecnouragement you need; don't look for it from them.

Take a good look at your life, you know the kind of life you don't want right? I suggest you continue to live, so when you're out on your own, and have your own family. You can give them a better life, you can encourage people to live better.

If you're not going to live for us,
Live for yourself, for your future and those that you can effect in positive ways.

I'll stand by you through all of this, and I know everyone else will. Hold onto your hope and your dreams. Continue on, and don't give up.

[Solstis]

On 2004-11-16 16:47, Sagasu wrote:


On 2004-11-16 16:03, Solstis wrote:

I can't really give you advice, I suppose, but hope that you can find someone to rely on.



Heh, I wont really be able to live for myself, because theres nothing left living for there.

I hope so to, I really do. I thought maybe you, or immers could help me, but I found that I'm going to need something more material.

Always been told not to get my hopes up, but when its all you have left to depend on..

:/



If you cannot find the material externally, perhaps you should look inside.

Though it may go against your desires, you MUST have pride in yourself... not just your talents.

You must realize who you are in order to truly live... though such thoughts may be the most frightening that you may ever experience.

Though here, I'm just another person sitting behind a screen, in my "soul," if you will, I know who I am. I'm not proud of the way that I was born, the way that I look, or other random circumstances.

I am proud of the person that I have forced and molded myself into.

I hope that makes sense.

[Sagasu]

On 2004-11-16 17:51, Solstis wrote:


You must realize who you are in order to truly live... though such thoughts may be the most frightening that you may ever experience.



I am a selfish person, solstis.

Whenever I look for 'myself' I usually get disgusted by the results. For a while now I've been trying to change myself, yet my true human nature is not yielding to my ideal persona. In these crossroads I'm looking in both directions, inside and out. So far its not come to any good, and so far its really begun to hurt me.

Like I've said half a dozen times, I have yet to stop searching. Its hope thats keeping me going right now.

TOH, own words coming back to haunt me. Naturally, the real sagasu is a rather carefree rebellious kid that would argue with god himself to make his own ends meet. Everyday I'll look into my less troubled past with a mix of anger and jealousy. Jealous of how happily I could be as a leech, being supported by naught but everyone around me. Also angry because of my utter helplessness. I started learning to stand on my own to feet, I started learning to bide with the shti around me. But out here in the farmlands of winsconsin, I don't have half the problems an average teen nowadays.

My problem is not the world, but myself. I'm not going to bide with who I am, I'm going to change it. Change hurts, change takes time, time takes patience, patience I have little of even when it doesn't feel like a guilty conscience is boring a hole in my happiness and draining it away. Most of these rants that I've made deal with problems with my family, and close sorroundings. Not the world, only what really is attatched to me. So as I change, I hurt and tear at whats around me, since I'm no longer the carefree kid that just wants to be loved. So I'm stuck in the middle, trying to go in one direction while half the people say no, part of the other half says why, and the final portion says "go for it" and leaves me to myself.

Damn it, now I'm rambling again. Yeah I know its going to take time, yeah I know it going to hurt, I really don't need people telling me this more. All I needed was reassurance, that despite what I feel I'm still wanted somewhere.

Figured this would happen, just end up explaining the same thing over and over. So thanks TOH for the support, and the reminder, though somewhat uneeded, still shows that you've learned something. Thanks solstis for sharing some hope, out of all the people that have said "Yeah I went through the same thing" your the only one whos proved it and made me felt I'm not alone.

~Dude: Though you sort of mimick the answer I would expect from the average person, thanks for your concern.

~Abdur: I'm glad everything is working out fine for you, but its not the same. If it were then I would connect to what you say, and listen.

~Navinator: Thanks for lightening to mood a little, though with your own life I doubt you care much for the contents of this thread.

So those are my closing remarks, feel free to fume or mutter, but I'm out.

[navci]

On 2004-11-16 18:49, Sagasu wrote:

~Navinator: Thanks for lightening to mood a little, though with your own life I doubt you care much for the contents of this thread.



Everyone has been through one of these days/period/time/thing. So I can sympathize. But I really don't have much constructive to say except to mutter some kinda nonsense...

Ya. Hm.

[RicoRoyal]

You are not alone.



Police continue investigation into the mechanical engineering student who died Wednesday morning after shooting himself in the head in a second floor computer lab in the Engineering Building. Police found no signs of foul play and have labeled the death as an apparent suicide.

"It was a terrible thing to have happened. I have two sons of my own, and I would be totally devastated if this happened to one of them," said Mechanical Engineering Department Chair, Dr. Michael Shelton. "I can only imagine how his parents feel and my heart goes out to them."

At 3:36 a.m., a female custodian found Allen Yong-Chia Lin lying on the floor in the College of Engineering's Process Simulation computer lab, room 2109, figuring he was asleep after a long night of studying, said Ron Fremont, associate vice president of university relations.

Upon a closer look, the custodian discovered the 18-year-old in a pool of blood and a shotgun nearby.

She immediately called University Police and administrative colleagues; the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department was contacted shortly after, Fremont said.

Lin, along with other mechanical engineering students, was temporarily granted 24-hour access to the computer lab due to enrollment in certain classes. He logged into the lab at 12:30 a.m. and was the last recorded entry that morning.

Police received no reports of shots being fired and they believe no students or faculty are involved in the suicide.

This allows for a three-hour window in which Lin, the Rowland Heights resident, could have died, said Fremont.

The University Police found a backpack belonging to Lin in the lab and retrieved his car, which was parked on campus.

The Los Angeles County Coroner gathered evidence that morning and later transported Lin?s body to the Los Angeles County Morgue for an autopsy.

One class in the east wing of the Engineering Building was moved as police continued their investigation.

Lin left no note and questions as to what prompted the suicide still remain unanswered amongst investigators, Fremont said.

But because Lin was taking a heavy course load in a difficult major, students and faculty said they could only imagine the stress it might have caused him.

"When they announced it in class, we hoped it wasn't caused by the stress," said senior mechanical engineering student Vincent Par. "Being an engineering student is pretty stressful."

Lin was taking 26 units of mechanical engineering, physics and mathematics lectures and labs, and according to two out of ten of his teachers, he was having difficulty.

"He was struggling based on several interactions I had with him after class when he would ask questions," said mathematics professor Weiquing Xie.

Lin's mechanical engineering lab professor, Dan Rowland, made similar claims.

"He was having trouble keeping up in the class," said Rowland. "He approached me once complaining that he didn't have enough time to do all the work."

"I asked him how many units he was taking, and he said he could not tell me," said Rowland.

"He seemed very serious, and I never once saw him kid around," said Rowland. "He almost seemed to have some inner something about him that I noticed. It wasn't anything I could put my finger on. I just felt that he was somewhat angry."

Rowland's lab consists of group projects and in the beginning of the course, he said Lin asked a lot of questions, which impeded his group's progress.

Another one of his mechanical engineering professors, Peter Dashner, claimed that he stopped attending class after the second week.

Although he was having difficulty in two classes, Rowland said that he began to improve.

"He had very little knowledge of the course concepts coming into the class but he worked real hard," said Rowland. "The last time he spoke to me he thanked me because he really started to understand more, and his group members agreed."

Despite the course load, Lin did manage to excel in his physics lab. Physics professor Kai Lam labeled him as one of the best students in his class.

"He worked hard and the lab reports he turned in were perfect," said Lam. "If he had kept it up he would have gotten an A."

The rest of Lin's teachers were unable to be contacted. Nevertheless, his heavy course load still surprises faculty.

Typically students take no more than 19 units said College of Engineering Dean Edward Hohmann.

If students want to take past 20 they have to petition for it.

"I couldn't even conceive of taking 26 units. These classes take up a lot of your time," said Rowland.

"When I was a student, I remember taking only 15 units and that killed me."


We all have troubles in life. Some of us have troubles that others can't even begin to contemplate. Allen, who sat next to me in my Calculus III class, made a choice. If you ask me, he made a very poor choice. Is it too late for him to take it back? Yes. Will the world move on without Allen? Yup. Will the world move on should you or I die tommorow? You bet it would. The real question is, will you move on without the world?

What purpose do we as human beings serve on this planet? While I may not know the answer, I at least like to believe that an answer exist. Perhaps, upon living a "full" (in that I go as far I can without giving up), life, I will finally come to know the answer to this throubling question that has plagued man for as long as man has existed. My yearning to know the answer is the driving force that keeps going. It is not my grades, nor my potential future, nor my family, and most certainly not my "friends" that keeps me alive. Hope in the certainty of death is what keeps me alive (if that makes any sense). I think of life as a test (testing different things for different people). Should an individual take his or her life, it would be as if that individual just cheated on an exam. Cheating, whether on a test or in life, is bound to produce consequences.

This coming Thursday, when I sit in my Aerospace class next to the floor where little pieces of Allen's brains lay (yup, room 2019 open for business once again), I will simply... not give a shit. Allen is dead. I am not. Allen has no future. Whether good or bad, you and I still have futures. And it is from these futures that we will come to learn something in life. So long as you have a breath of air in your body, you have the the potential to find out what it's all for - why we are here. Have hope in a better tommorow, and who knows, that better tommorow might one day be yours.

[WraithVerge]

There's not much really I can say outside of quoting people or giving an empty consolation such as "Don't worry, it will all get better soon."


I really don't know how long you'll stay in this condition, or (looking at the date of this) if you're still thinking about this. I do hope you see this through and make the right decisions, using past mistakes as examples of what to do in the present.



I cannot fathom the plateau without first the pit...


Strive on, my friend. Keep searching for your answers.