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EphekZ
May 6, 2005, 09:07 PM
Hey I decided to remake an old fic I had well because I liked teh story but i never finished it and while reading it i decied it could use some minor changes...well here goes.

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Prologue- the alternation-3 years after the incident of olga flow


Zero put his hand on the scanner [automated voice] "please come in force Zero", he walked through the hall to the lab and saw the bio lab was open. "Hmm who is in there"? Zero quickly walked quietly through the doors to the lab.

Zero saw a lab worker badly injured on the floor; he quickly ran to him and kneeled down.

"What the hell happened",

The injured worker could barely talk "D..Dr... Dr. Keichi"

Zero made a surprised expression on his face, "what about him, he did this! Crap!"

"yo..you mussst..stop him..." The worker stopped breathing and died.

"Wait.. no don't die crap!" Zero ran down the hallway as fast as he could he started thinking to himself.

"keichi but why?"

Zero finally got to the bio-lab it was a circular room with a couple of containment tubes for wild animals. He looked around the room then saw keichi behind a computer.

"DR what are you doing in here why did you kill the other lab worker what is the meaning of this!"

keichi looked up and started laughing "haha Zero you are so naive, do you really think I could do that? KILL somebody I am way to weak."

"Heh, you are right about that so then how did you do it?"

"allow me to show you my newest creation" he pressed a key on the keyboard and a containment pod slowly opened.

Zero gazed upon the booma but it looked bigger, stronger and vicious. "wha..what the hell is that thing!"

keichi started to chuckle again, "by altering the D-cells I can make any monster stronger, faster, smarter more vicious then anything he is only a booma imagine what I can do with lets say a hildebear."

Zero quickly replied, "but why, why in hell would you do this?"

keichi got an angry look on his face"why!, why! Revenge, Principal Tyrell is a corrupt politic everything he says are lies I must get rid of him for salvation."

"You idiot!" Zero yelled "You are willing to destroy Pioneer 2 for one politician!"

" I don't care I will destroy every being on Pioneer 2 with my army of monsters hahahaha. I will now leave you with my booma." Keichi clapped and the booma woke up "My dear booma get rid of this pesky person, ta-ta Zero" Dr. Keichi blew a hole in the wall and quickly made his escape.

"Crap, I can't go after him I will have to just deal with this booma." Zero quickly pulled out his Photon Claw and got ready to battle. "ok lets se how good you really are you ugly bastard. He charged at the booma yelling "DIE!!!" Before he could attack the booma swung his huge claw and hit him in the chest, he quickly fell to the floor.

"Damn, he is strong" the booma roared and charged at Zero "crap umm think think, wait boomas are weak to foie!" He got up and cast a RAfoie, the booma roared but still keep coming. The booma reached Zero and swung at him, he barely dodged the booma's attack but his robe took the damage his had two giant cuts through it and one of his sleeves were now off. Zero quickly cast GIbarta "c'mon c'mon work!" the booma froze in his tracks, He pushed over the booma and it shattered into several pieces.

"Heh, damn Keichi hopefully I can stop him in time before that hildebear gets put on steroids, haha" He sighed and passed out on the floor.

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I will work on this more I will have teh rewrites of chapters one and two soons and three will be made shortly after.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: darkgunner on 2005-05-08 20:15 ]</font>

Aero_Hawk
May 6, 2005, 09:19 PM
This is a good concept. Your dialog runs together alot though, you need more commas and periods. Also I'd recommend that you may do a little more discription. At least say how the good doctor blew the wall down. Other then those minor things I like it over all. With a few improvments this can be very good.

Keep up the good work.

EphekZ
May 8, 2005, 12:20 AM
Heres the next rewrite yea....

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chapter one- Zero Request


Zero walked into the hunter's guild "HI I would like to place a quest"

"Huh, ok may I have some details and amount of money being paid?" THE STUARTESS ASKED

"o uh well just say I am looking for 3 hunters perferably a hunter, force and a ranger each, I will pay them myself and they will not need to come back I am sorta just advertising"

"hmm ok well I will give put up the quest as soon as possible thank you I will send for you by via bee when I get 3 people"

" ok thankyou very much." walks out of guildhmm well I guess I'd better go to the shops and stock upwalks to shopshmmm well btter get dimates monomates hell everything"[few moments later]
"ok well lets insert the barrier, frame and all set better get home"

[back at the house] " ah it feels good to be home" Zero went to is room changed out of his torn robe and put on some pants "hmm *rumble rumble* wow I must be hungry didn't even notice" he got ready various foods and warmed them up.

"ah, that was good" he said as he gulped down the rest of his tea BEEP! he looked over to his computer" wow they already found some people great!"He went to his room and changed into his thrashed robe"hmm I really need to buy a new robe"

[at the guild] Zero walked into the guild and saw the 3 hunters.

the first hunter was a FOnewm with red clothing and a hat with two GREEN puff balls, he was a bit shorter than Zero. He looked very experienced and reliable.

The second was a RAcast he was as tall as they come with black plating, very intimadating.

the third was a VERY attractive HUnewearl. She was a bit shorter than Zero with a nice body. she was wearing all white clothing and had blonde hair.

Zero after seeing the three hunters walked over to the HUnewearl. He kissed her hand and introduced himself" I am Zero a force and I could not help but notice your beuty, now may I ask your name?"

She pulled her hand back and replyed" I am not interested in dating im interested in the quest, and my name is Jenn"

Zero was heartbroken of the reply but he keep a straight face...barely " ah yes I am sorry forgive my rudeness let me start over, I am Zero the force nice to meet you...Jenn"

He walked over to the FOnewm "ah yes I am glad to have another force on the team this would make it very interesting, your name please?"

the FOnewm looked up" yes this should be pretty interesting my name is Proto and pleased to be of assistance."

Zero then walked over to the huge RAcast and greeted himself

"um err nice to meet you? my name is um err"

the RAcast's eyes grew an evil red and answered I am 009 but I do not care of your name or about you just tell me the quest so we can get started."

in fear of 009 "um err yes the information I cannot waste time but I have some bussines to take care of before tomorrow so I will give you the information tomorrow at the forest. meet me at the transporter at 7:00 A.M."

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A little bit of changes. Enjoy =P


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