Relationship Issues...

[WashuSaotome]

I'm eight weeks pregnant.

When my boyfriend found out about this, he wasn't too shocked. In fact, he said that it was okay if we had the baby and would do everything in his power to provide the best life for our family.

Now, I love him. He loves me. The thing is that I'm not comfortable with having a child yet. I mean, I'm only 17, he's only 20, and we're still dealing with school.

We've talked about this for the past two weeks. He kept going on about how he would talk to his parents about this and assured their assistance. He also said that he would talk to my mother about it (with my permission). He stressed that he didn't want to go behind anyone's back about this and even talked to a few "outside people". I haven't told my mother yet.

However, on the 24th of this month, I plan on having an abortion. He didn't take too kindly to this and tried to talk me out of it. I mean, it's not all about me... It's us... But I'm really not comfortable with having a baby at all. When I told him that I was still going through with the abortion, he said I was going behind everyone's back and hiring a "hitman" to do something that will just "delay" what we're eventually going to do.

Since then, he hasn't bothered to talk to me or anything. I have no idea if he's mad at me or what. If he does come back to talk to me, I have no idea what I should say (I would assume he'd ask if I changed my mind or anything).

The biggest matter, though, is my mom. One of the things my boyfriend mentioned is that I should "stop being 'held hostage' by my family's rules and relax". He wants me to show them that not all young couples are doomed to a horrible life and struggling. Easier said than done, I'd remind him.

I mean, he is so confident that we can make it with a child while he's going to school / work and me doing the same. I already told him what I've witnessed with my family and what I've learned about having a child so soon in life. However, he still insists.

Now I have to admit, I'm afraid of my family. I'm afraid they'll disown me (even though majority of the women in my family had kids around my age or younger). And my dad... My dad (who doesn't live with us anymore) keeps stressing the whole "don't get pregnant and go to college" thing. I'm afraid that our already not-so-good relationship will become ruined for good.

I don't know what to tell him anymore, and I really don't know if I should tell my mom about this. At first, I planned on telling my mom about what I've been doing with my boyfriend and the abortion, but I really don't think that's a good idea anymore. I don't know what the hell do to.

[Scejntjynahl]

...

Its your body and you can do whatever the hell you want with it.

But would it be too much to ask to use preventive measures?

Of course to him its easy, because he wants it. Its difficult for you, because you dont want as much and are plagued with doubts.

He may not be able to get over your decision. He may perhaps even grow to resent you, or not. Again, if he wants it bad enough, he will see through the pain.

But damn, if you were so unsure about what the future will have instore with you, why in the hell does one play with fire?

Your family may disown you regardless of what final choice you have taken... it all depends on their style of morality really. And only you know that for sure.

Be forewarned, there may be a sleuth of people that will harp you on your decision, I hope you are ready for it.

Me... in the reality of it all and the cold fact is... it doesnt concern me... again its your life and you have made your choice.

Learn from it.

[WashuSaotome]

Now now... I didn't run around all naked nilly willy.

Condoms were used at ALL times.

I guess we just "got lucky". Yay me.

[zwandude15]

Oh. Wow.

You know, its different reading a book about this, and hearing about someone in real-time that has the problem.

I have a girlfriend I love very much, and if something like that came up, I would very easily relate to your boyfriend. I would support a baby to the best of my ability, seeing as how it's my fault/responsibility!

But I know where you're coming from by thinking it's a bad idea. Financially, it can be one of the most stressful things on a relationship, especially if neither of you are the most "wealthy" people in the world.

More than money though, it can just as easily come into play with your education which is where you're at right now, and if you don't do well now, its going to be hard on you in the future, especially if you plan/planned on having a child later. Kids aren't the easiest things on this earth to keep around, we all know how much those diapers and formulas cost.

But you know what, I see why he'd be upset with your decision. If a baby that I were to bring into this world, was put down, I would...just...feel horrible. Like, the poor baby didn't even get a fighting chance, it has no muscles, no hormones, nothing. It doesn't know how to be angry back at the world yet, how to protect itself, it's an innocent human being!

I can see both sides of this argument, but more than anything, maybe I would change what I said before, or rather, say something in-addition-to.

I claimed that I would support a baby to the best of my ability. But even before that, and even more than that, I would support my significant other. Your boyfriend would understand if you talked with him about it a little...

I would want what's best for my girlfriend, and I'm sure he would want the best for you too. He'll respect your decision, no matter what it may be.

[Maridia]

Washu, what you do is up to you, but I must stress that no matter what happens between you and your family, and you and your boyfriend, it is YOU who will be carrying the baby. YOU who will deal with everything. If you aren't ready, do not keep it. I have no moral qualms about abortions, and I say, if you aren't ready, do not have it. Accidents happen. Maybe next time be even more careful, or lay off on the sex for awhile. Maybe look into getting a birth control pill to use along with condoms? I use the pill, no condoms, and I've never had a problem. Yet. Hopefully never will.

Good luck with sorting this out. I'm available to talk. If you want another girl to talk to about this, feel free to PM me. I'm always happy to help if I can. Things like this can be scary, but you don't have to do it alone.

[ABDUR101]

The biggest matter, though, is my mom. One of the things my boyfriend mentioned is that I should "stop being 'held hostage' by my family's rules and relax". He wants me to show them that not all young couples are doomed to a horrible life and struggling. Easier said than done, I'd remind him.


Yeah, they are when they have kids and haven't even got themselves 'established' in the world yet, let alone trying to bring a child into the whole mix.

Having children is a hot topic for me. You don't fuck with it unless both involved are well enough on their own, are on top of things as adults, and are fully able to give a child what it deserves.

The world has enough half-assed parents in it. I'm not saying you, nor your boyfriend, will half-ass it, but going to school, working(trying to HOLD DOWN A JOB on top of all of lifes NORMAL stresses, let alone a child), basically getting priorities in line.

Your boyfriend might say you can both do it, and maybe you could pull it off, but if YOU'RE not ready, you're not ready. You used condoms? Then don't let him guilt trip you into having a child that you're not ready for.

Things happen, but no one has the right to bring a child into the world unless their life is dedicated to that child. You don't half-ass parent-hood, and you don't haphazardly fall in and say "Ah well, guess we'll give it a shot."

I see two sides. I see you getting an abortion and having a child when it's right for you, and I see you having this child, and possibly making it work. But really, would'nt you rather do it, when you are sure you can make it work?

You are both starting into your own lives, kind of. Accidents happen, I was an accident, but I was also the last of five kids, and my parents were already set in life.

[KaFKa]

Let me just make a point, if he truly loved you, he'd be at the very least understanding in wichever direction you would want to go. Not throwing fits because you dont agree with him 100%.

And I again agree with Abdur, young couples very rarely have what it takes to be able to support a child. And anyone that says that you have a callous disregard for life can shut the fuck up and deal with it.

[InfinityXXX]

If you are not 100% sure then you should not have a baby. Its a very big step when you bring a child into the world and it requires a lot of time and patience. If I was you(lol at putting myself in females shoes) I wouldn't have the baby. The reason? Is because I know all the things that can go wrong. I'm not saying it can't be done but It is very tough.

I was born when my mom was 19 so we struggled a lot! My mom had graduated from high school but she didn't go to college(until years later) so she and my no good dad struggled a lot and we really struggled when my dad went away. To have a kid and only have one income is tough even if you are on welfare. You had basic bills, food, transportation(buying a car, fixing a car), paying for school, paying for daycare, etc all by yourself. Think about it,If you have the baby and you and your boyfriend break up, and he plays "rolling stone", and you and your baby have to live off your income.........and one day you lose your job.......your screwed.

Now if you have a good family, they'll help you out. My grandad didn't speak to my mom all while she was pregnant with me but once I was born he changed around so don't think that your family will just disown you so easily. Your their daughter and you may have their granddaughter/son

I really feel you should not have the child unless they tell you they'll keep the baby while you complete your education if not, wait till you go to college and at least get a bachelors degree. Trust me, you need to be grounded and have more thinking before you have a child. But its your body so you do what you wanna do with your body.

If your boyfriend truely loves you, he will understand if you make the decision not to have the baby.

Which ever choice you make, you'll have my support and I hope you have your family and friend's support too.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: InfinityXXX on 2006-02-18 22:29 ]</font>

[EphekZ]

I think an abortion would be best. You are only 17 and he is 20(laws?) There is so much for you to do in the next 5-10 years. Having a Baby at this time would be devastating. Another thing is well most relationships around your age aren't meant to stay. I could keep rambling but I think other people have already said what else I would say.

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

The abortion was the first thing to come to mind, you didn't plan for this to happen by using protection, and its not going to be fun being 18 with a baby. Go with the abortion.

You hear some people say how "their life is over" over some itty bitty spilt milk problems.

When you're still in high school and have a child, that's when your life as you knew it, is over. You're no longer a kid, no longer have much freedom, and are now a caretaker for another person whther you want to or not(not saying you wouldn't do the best you would here).

This was an unplanned pregnancy, correct?

This is the main reason abortions are used. Its not a first choice type of contreception, but a last line of defense so to speak when things happen that were not planned.

I hope this doesn't turn into an abortion flame war topic.

Best of luck to you, considering you know what's best for you, and nothing is final yet.

[HUnewearl_Meira]

Well, this certainly is a touchy subject, isn't it?

I am personally, not a fan of abortion and generally would not recommend it, but on the other hand, I also believe that we are here to do what we're going to do, regardless of any knowledge or foresight we might have. That being said...

It's sort of a catch-22, really. On the one hand, you can have the abortion, and therefore be free to work your way through school, get your life together and try again later, when you've got it figured out ahead of time. The catch here though, is that you put yourself at a higher risk for breast cancer and depression, along with a number of other medical problems that I'm not properly informed about.

If you do have the kid though, then you're in for a rough patch ahead of you. You'll be unlikely to finish college (and even if you do, it'll be delayed by four to six years, minimum), you'll have a difficult time earning money, and the kid's life will be even more chaotic than your own, as a result.

It does occur to me though, that I've personally seen this sort of situation come to fruition and the parents have won through.


When she was in High School, my best friend's sister became pregnant. Let me tell you now, that Martine, the father, walks a thin, thin line between being either the bravest man I know, or the dumbest man I know, for having gotten the daughter of a 6th Degree Blackbelt pregnant.

Now, I don't know all of the details on how their life has gone about, but I can say that Diana and Martine went on to have a beautiful daughter, and having since gotten married, they now have a place to live, a stable income, and if I remember correctly, one other child (possibly two, I don't recall; I don't see them terribly often). Life hasn't been a walk in the park for them, as one might expect, but Martine is a hard worker, and I can testify that at least Diana's side of the family has been a great help to them. I'm not clear on the degree of contribution that Martine's family has put forth, but then, I'm quite familiar with Diana's family, and not familiar at all with Martine's. They don't have the highest quality of life, but they do have family, and as far as I know, they're doing rather well for themselves.

I don't personally know anyone who has had an abortion; or at least anyone who has made it aware to me that they've had an abortion. I'm not entirely against it myself. It's mostly those who make a regular habit of having an abortion because they can't either keep their legs together or be bothered to make use of some manner of contraceptive that annoy me (which, apparently there's quite a few women like that where I'm from).

So the advice that I offer to you, is that you do what you're going to do. Regardless of what you choose, you're going to have a rough and rocky road ahead of you. I would certainly advise you to look into some other means of contraceptive in the future. There are a variety of birth control drugs that are widely available (your best shot is to find a local Planned Parenthood office), and though it sounds like the incident that got you pregnant this time didn't provide you with the foresight to go after this, in the future, keep the "Morning After" pill in mind as a last counter measure (it can be used fairly reliably up to 3 days later with a 90% success rate and in theory, make work up to 5 days later), and hopefully you won't have to go through this, again.

With whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best of luck.

[_Tek_]

You can't simply throw away your teenaged years to being a mother. Part of those years help you become more experienced with life in general, and would go towards making you a better parent.

amirite?

[rena-ko]

take in mind that doing school and work will eat up your days on its own.
then, caring for a child on your own is a 24hour job - or why do you think are mothers (over here) granted paid holiday for a few months around the actual birthdate?

what i want to say is - you would be a fool breaking all ties with your family - you'll have to greatly rely on them when you want to do something besides caring for the child.

thus, i'd like to suggest an abortion just now. be realistic, have backup (as in your family) or this world will crush you and your young family.
a child is not a proof of love or a toy, its an unique human being. be sure to be able to support it - especially with time - and not just barely.

anyway, good luck on your decision.

[Daikarin]

If you're not confortable with having a baby, if you feel it's not the time yet or that your future life will suffer some comebacks from your offspring, then argument all of that with your boyfriend. I'm sure that by talking you'll reach a common sense, as long as you express your fears, needs and priorities well enough. Whatever you two do, it's none of somebody else's business, as long as you both see it's for the best.

As for your parents, discuss only if you feel a level of trust and understanding. I don't tell a lot of things I do to my pops. And that's not because I want to hide it - It's just that I think he makes a big deal out of nothing. Like once, he didn't want me to catch a plane on the same day I had an exam at 9am and the plane at 6pm - Not all lies are evil. Some are even with the intent of not raising unnecessary turmoil and hostility.

Good luck.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Daikarin on 2006-02-19 09:30 ]</font>

[Rainbowlemon]

If I were trying to see things from both sides, I would say, do what you feel is right - but try to let your partner understand first.

However, under the circumstances...

There's a few questions for you to ask:

1. Are you prepared for a) A long term relationship, or b) A broken heart. Having a baby will bring one of these things.

2. Can you support the child, both financially and mentally? Will you have the TIME to manage a child?

3. Are you ready to make quick decisions? There is a cut-off point for an abortion...you need to decide sooner rather than later.

My personal view is: Don't have it. There is a long time left before you are unable to have a baby, and there is still much to experience. A child will be a heavy burden on you, your boyfriend, and your family - If you're "certain" about your partner, surely you can wait a few more years until you have some qualifications and a job?

In any case, I don't want to decide for you, just as nobody else here does. The choice is yours, of course...I can only stress how much time raising a child will consume. But I'm sure you're already aware of that, you seem intelligent enough.

[Jehosaphaty]

I'm not trying to sound like a bleeding heart here, but it looks like abortion seems to be the most readily prescribed remmedy for the situation, and I think that that is unfortunate. I understand well enough the severity of the problems associated with an unwanted pregnancy, but I always hope that the baby will be at least given up for adoption--and not that that decision easy in the least.

[Maridia]

It isn't just the raising of the child after it's born, it's carrying the child for nine months. Your life will be utter chaos for those nine months. Is your body ready to handle a child? That's one big thing nobody seems to be mentionning. It's YOUR body, Washu. Do what's best for you. I hate to be like LOL ABORTION, but.. in this case, it just seems to be the best option for you. At least you weren't being totally irresponsible about sex, like some of the people Meira brought up.

Everyone else has made very good points, I hope you take some of the advice to heart.

[Charmander02]

Lesson here: dont have sex before marriage.

At least thats what they tell me in skool.

And Religion too.

but about the abortion thing...dont do it, i consider it murder....and you could damage you insides too.

[ABDUR101]

On 2006-02-19 17:12, Charmander02 wrote:
Lesson here: dont have sex before marriage.

At least thats what they tell me in skool.

And Religion too.

No sex before marriage? They still make people that follow that? This is 2006, there are plenty of people who have sex before they're out of highschool. Sex is sex, protection was used.

Pfft, "lesson here", yeah, right. That wasn't the lesson at all. There is no lesson to learn from this, protection was used, precautions were used. "Shit happens".



but about the abortion thing...dont do it, i consider it murder..

Fortunately it's not your body. When you conceive a child, you can forgo an abortion and have it.



..and you could damage you insides too.

Very, very small chance of anything serious. There are always repercussions, but thats for Washu to talk about with an actual doctor.

[Scejntjynahl]

Speaking of laws...

If he is 20 and your 17 your parents can press charges against him... regardless if you consented or not.

This is indeed a predicament with or without the unexpected pregnancy.

[WashuSaotome]

Really? Is it a Illinois law or nationwide thing? Any links to the information or what?

Now I know you're not going to post that and not provide proof

EDIT: From what I'm reading from several websites, I'm just AT the consent age in my state. Since my boyfriend isn't five years older than me, it's ok. Wawawaaaa.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: WashuSaotome on 2006-02-19 18:04 ]</font>

[Scejntjynahl]

On 2006-02-19 17:53, WashuSaotome wrote:
Really? Is it a Illinois law or nationwide thing? Any links to the information or what?

Now I know you're not going to post that and not provide proof.



http://www.sexlaws.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=index&catid=&topic=15&allstories=1

Seems that for Illinois the age of consent is 17. But your parents may argue that this began since you were 16. Actually, only you know when all this began. So if it was when you were 17 they can't do anything... sorry if I scared you, but in Ca its 18. So I made an assumption it was the same everywhere else, and for that I made a fool of my self. Sorry.

[WashuSaotome]

At the time of sexual activity (this past December), I was 17. (I turned 17 this past July.) So... Yeeeah... Just at the mark.

[navci]

I thought of some really good points as I read the original post. But then realize everything that has to be said, has been said.

So I guess I will just conclude by repeating these:
It's your body, your decision. You are gonna be the one to carry the baby, to have it. Don't have it if you are not ready for it. Financially, mentally, physically. You are still quite young, there are things that you can never do again once you have a baby.

Good luck.

[Charmander02]

On 2006-02-19 17:24, ABDUR101 wrote:


On 2006-02-19 17:12, Charmander02 wrote:
Lesson here: dont have sex before marriage.

At least thats what they tell me in skool.

And Religion too.

No sex before marriage? They still make people that follow that? This is 2006, there are plenty of people who have sex before they're out of highschool. Sex is sex, protection was used.

Pfft, "lesson here", yeah, right. That wasn't the lesson at all. There is no lesson to learn from this, protection was used, precautions were used. "Shit happens".



but about the abortion thing...dont do it, i consider it murder..

Fortunately it's not your body. When you conceive a child, you can forgo an abortion and have it.



..and you could damage you insides too.

Very, very small chance of anything serious. There are always repercussions, but thats for Washu to talk about with an actual doctor.



Differences in opinions, yes?

We all have good points, just making mine.

[ABDUR101]

On 2006-02-20 14:51, Charmander02 wrote:
Differences in opinions, yes?

We all have good points, just making mine.


It's nothing against your opinion, but I'm pointing out that Washu doesn't care where we stand on the morality scale, she just needs advice on the situation. Maybe it's because I've been here so long and I know a ton of posters over that time, but I give advice based on the person involved, not my own agenda or ideals.

[SorceressofTime]

Ok, I skipped all those long posts (sorry, I can't be bothered reading long posts these days) and this is what I have to say:

If you think you're not ready, don't feel pressured to follow what you don't want. It all depends whether you can accept having a baby, whether your family (and his) will accept it, and also have the support you need in making your own decisions. Plus, finacially you may be or may not be stuggling. That would be a huge issue.

Also rememeber about your age. Don't think that you're all grown up (also him, 20's not an adult age if you think about it)and an adult until you think about the situation first.

Otherwise, it's always your choice. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif Good luck!

[Lightfox]

You are 8 months pregnant, it's extremely dangerous, I know it because my girlfriend aborted in November, an abortion is safe maximum to 2 month.

[ABDUR101]

On 2006-02-21 12:22, Black80808056 wrote:
You are 8 months pregnant, it's extremely dangerous, I know it because my girlfriend aborted in November, an abortion is safe maximum to 2 month.




I'm eight weeks pregnant.


Always best to take your time. We aren't going anywhere.

[Lightfox]

Sorry for the mistake, ok so you are 8 weeks pregnant, you are just in time but, i tell you, the feeling after is hell, it would be better if you have the baby and gave him in adoption, no kill him.

[Charmander02]

On 2006-02-20 14:57, ABDUR101 wrote:


On 2006-02-20 14:51, Charmander02 wrote:
Differences in opinions, yes?

We all have good points, just making mine.


It's nothing against your opinion, but I'm pointing out that Washu doesn't care where we stand on the morality scale, she just needs advice on the situation. Maybe it's because I've been here so long and I know a ton of posters over that time, but I give advice based on the person involved, not my own agenda or ideals.



Hmm...guess your right Abdur...Washu whatever you decide to do just do what you think is best...get some family and friends for support to help you through this unexpected problem.