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View Full Version : FanFic: Phantasy Star: ONLINE, Ch. 1



Atayin
Feb 26, 2006, 10:14 PM
WARNING: This will be quite long with the Foreward (or notes) included. I hope you can bare with me. That isn't to say, however, that the notes are essential. They're there for those of you who want a little more insight into why the story is written the way it is.


Some notes to start off with:

Well, I've been drafting, taking notes and brainstorming for this story over the course of more then a year, now. I have attempted to write the story several times and failed. The first time, trying to use an origional theme and setting was a failure... the second two times, I tried to use a Star Wars theme and I couldn't pull it off. Somehow, Phantasy Star fits it perfectly.

Allow me to explain. This story is unique in that it is a combination of actual experiences, each of which took place in a MMOG(Massive Multiplayer Online Game). Phantasy Star is the only theme that has a variety of races, weapons that include guns, lightsabers, metal swords as well as magic. It's perfect. It's completely flexible and versitile.

I hope that none of you will be offended with my changing and sticking things into PSO that aren't in the actual game or universe. For all intents and purposes, this will be my version of PSO. It has little or nothing to do with the actual Phantasy Star story at all. However, this does not mean that the story will shift and change at random.

There were times while I was gaming online that I experienced an actual adrenaline rush. Don't take this lightly, because I'm not the type of guy who never gets out of the house. I've been boarding, moshing at concerts and have even been in a few fistfights. All of this aside, I would still get a serious rush from some video games. The stakes were high and I was so submersed in the game-world that it seemed almost real to me... So I began thinking. What if it was real? What if it were more then a game? What if lives were at stake?

I need honest and constructive critique on this piece. It's a challenge for me to put all of this together in the way I'm trying to do, so I'll need your help.

The Characters
are all based off of real people. These are friends, rivals and even enemies whom I've encountered online. As for the enemies, their names have been changed because I'm not a malicious person. Besides, none of those people were really all that bad.
I want to thank the NRN R as well. It's an actual group that I joined and left over the course of about a day because I was too involved with IRL things to be as dedicated as I would have liked. The NRN R has my respect.

Now, on with the actual story...








==================================


PROLOGUE


A lot of time has passed since the disaster of NIRNET. To this day, I still find myself mourning the deaths of those involved. Many people have chosen to forget in order to move on with their lives, while others tend to struggle with memories of the past. As we all do things for a reason, many of you will have your own reasons for reading these experiences. Perhaps it is for the sake of satisfaction by putting your questions and curiosities at ease. As for you people, reading this may in fact raise even more questions that can not be answered. I can not serve any guarantees that your questions will be answered or that your anxieties will be eased. There are very few of us survivors left to relate this tale, so we will do the best that we can.

Most people are easily intimidated by the sheer scale of what has occurred. I assure you that those of us who lived through the experience found it no less threatening. What we witnessed was a travesty of human advancement through technology and some of us were forced to adapt. Despite what many of you already think, we are not monsters by any means. We are the survivors of the most infamous Neural Virtual Reality Online game known as Phantasy Star: Online. We were warriors and our hands are stained with regret and the blood of circumstance. This is our story. It is ours to tell and ours alone.




==================================


CHAPTER 1: Where Games End and Wars Begin




My name is Gavin Shay. My experiences in relation to the tragedies of NIRNET are the easiest of all my memories to describe. Although it was known as “Virtual Reality”, it had seemed so much more real to me then reality itself. It turns out that there was a reason for that. As many of you already know, NIRNET stands for Neural Internet. It functions through manipulating the mind’s natural capabilities through advanced technology, creating a network of information as well as human thought. By the time that I was only twelve years old, nearly the entire internet had become neural compatible. It was only natural that I would take up an interest in gaming via the network, joining the millions that already called themselves NIRNET gamers.

*** *** ***

I still remember the look on his face after the sound of my own body being slammed into the ground. The sensation which followed was somewhere between discomfort and pain. Flying head over heels with no fear what-so-ever… it was the kind of thing you would only experience online. “What’s wrong with you, Gavin? You’re slacking. Get up and show me how a real warrior uses that photon saber! Or are your weapons just for show?”

“You‘ll be eating those words with your face!!”, As usual, I spat out any comeback that I could think of and jumped back up to my feet. I was beginning to feel drained and weighted down after taking that hit. I was finally beginning to reach my limit. But, being as stubborn as I was, it wasn’t nearly enough to stop me from rushing my adversary another time. His name was Hope, and we had already been at this for quite some time. I was almost sure it had been at least two hours by now.

“Oh really?”, Hope spoke in such a casual tone. As a matter of fact, I remember everything about him being too casual. He had long, white hair and some of it fell over the side of his face. The rest was tied back into a ponytail and he let a considerable excess of hair dangle over the side of his face, covering one of his eyes. He would fight one handed with a photon saber, leaving his other hand available for an unpredictable variety of attacks. He often smiled while he was fighting and carried himself through battle as though it were no big deal, parrying my every swing and strike with ease. It didn‘t matter how serious or heart-felt my fighting was, it seemed to pose no threat to him at all. He was supposed to be training me, but this felt much more like a slaughter. I hadn’t managed to land a single hit on him yet.

I had been playing for three years already and among my circles of buddies, I was the best. Everyone said it. But, sadly, I would rarely ever hear from them at this point. Most of them had moved onto a different game and left behind the passing fad that was PSO. But, to the millions that still played, PSO was no passing fad. We loved something about this game that we just couldn’t explain or bare to part with. Still, it was difficult to play without friends, so after three years, I finally decided to try and join a guild. Standard procedure to join any guild was, of course, to be trained by an elite member. In my case, Hope was my mentor.

“Now, watch carefully…”, Hope seemed to be getting a little cocky. He pulled back his right side as though he were preparing to come at me with some amazing, fancy move.

That was it. He was wide open, now was my chance to strike! I was in the perfect position, so I went for it without hesitation. While I tried to swing my saber into what I thought was his exposed left side, I failed to notice his leg as it swept my feet out from under me. He quickly threw out his freehand, opening his palm. The last thing that I saw before hitting the ground again was the blazing color of fire that came swirling out of his hand in an explosive wave that slammed into my body, knocking me even further backward. I must have been hit pretty hard that time, because I couldn’t even feel when I hit the ground. It happened so fast.

“You try too hard to hold your ground, Gavin. You’re doing well for a novice, and you’ve got very interesting potential, but you need to learn to catch your enemy off guard.”

“Yeah, whatever. Do you think I’m afraid of your little fireballs?”

“My…?”

Up until this point, Hope had been pretty patient with me. But, oh, I had done it this time. Hope somehow managed to get out the word “My”, before running out of the patience he needed to finish his sentence. He didn’t need to say another word, because he came running at me with a smirk that said everything. It said that I had finally given him the excuse he needed to put me right in my place. Why couldn’t I get this guy to take me seriously? My pride and dignity was being held captive somewhere underneath his smug expression. I had the explosive urge to tear it out of him, but he was just too good. I couldn’t believe that there were players out there who were this skilled and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was about to be severely humiliated.

I struggled back to my feet, but I just wasn’t fast enough. I had been worn down and Hope was coming at me full speed to finish me off, thanks to my snotty remark. I threw up in front of me, the glowing, green blade of my photon saber, thinking that there may still be some chance to block his attack. But, before he could strike, a most unexpected event took us both by complete surprise.

“WYYYOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!” What I had heard was the sound of Ryonin, my sparring partner who had been hiding for nearly a half an hour. He had come in running wild and fast, guns blazing in each hand while letting out a Bruce Lee style scream. Photon bullets were flying around everywhere with our Mentor standing in the fray, deflecting most of them with his blue photon saber. I got hit by a stray photon bolt right in the face after it bounced off of Hope‘s blade. Hope was not only able to survive Ryonin‘s surprise barrage of gunfire, but also take me out in the process. The last thing that I saw before my body fell apart was Hope’s blade passing through Ryonin’s body as if it were made of water. The image of Ryonin splashed apart and melted into the air along with mine.

My sparring partner and I had respawned in a nearby field and decided to waste no time making our way back to our mentor. The area he had chosen for our training was some of the most beautiful and yet varying landscape in the world of Phantasy Star Online. Fields and clearings full of tall, green grass were easy to find along with plenty of massive rocks that were perfect for cover or for hiding. Some of them even concealed secret passages that would lead into other areas, tucked away underground. Enormous trees with thick and winding branches were sprawled about into wooded areas with thick canopies, creating plenty of shade in some places. Hope could have been anywhere, but we somehow knew that he would be standing in the most peaceful spot in order to try and mellow out after dealing with our antics.

“It’s just a game to you guys.” Ryonin and I had managed to find Hope nearby the area where he had dispatched us both. He was standing on a very tall rock that leaned over a pond. Several feet from him was a waterfall which curtained over a tall and rocky Cliffside. He was using the water to casually rinse himself off. We expected our mighty mentor to be ready and waiting for us, but instead, he was washing the dirt and scuff marks from his equipment. He had his back turned and his voice held a slight tone of fatigue and disappointment, “If this is just a game to you, then you’ll never be anything but clowns. You both need to begin taking this more seriously.”

“You’re kidding me, right? Of course this is just a game, dude! You need to relax, we’re supposed to be having fun. What are you getting so uptight about?” Ryonin was pretty enthusiastic about having a good time. That much was obvious from the moment we began our training. He had been teasing and goofing off all day. It was funny for a while, but I could tell it was beginning to irritate Hope now as his exclamation was met with a cold and rather desolate expression. Our mentor turned to look him in the eye and we all paused for a long moment. He then leapt down from his tall rock and onto the grass, approaching us slowly.

“Well then, guys. It’s been two hours. Looks like our training is finished for now, but first” Hope slowly confronted Ryonin and met him face to face, “Ryonin. I should commend you”

“Err… commend me, really? Oh-okay. Thanks!”

“Yes, of course.” Hope laughed a little and smiled, “You nearly did succeed in your objective of catching me off guard. If you hadn’t yelled like that, you could have quite possibly beaten me. And you didn’t just do it for your sake, either. You actually ran in to try and save your partner, Gavin. Didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah. I guess that had something to do with it. We’re supposed to be partners after all”

It did seem pretty noble, but somehow I found myself resenting his help. Not only because it lead to my inevitable defeat, but also because of his attitude. Something about him told me that he could have cared less if I had been defeated. I wanted to speak my mind, but I began to notice Hope. He was always so calm and collected. I wanted to be more like that. I wanted to be able to carry myself through battle as though I owned everything and everybody around me, so I tried to imitate his attitude.

“Hope’s right. I didn’t even realize what you tried to do, Ryo. Thanks, man. I owe you.”

“It’s all gravy, Gavin. We’re partners, right? I‘ve got your back, you‘ve got mine.”

I let out a half smile and shook his hand. Hope looked at us both with his hands on his hips as though he were studying us like test subjects. Silence would have been a little bit awkward, so I decided to try and pick his brain. I wanted to know what was going on in that head of his.

“Well, Hope, since training is over… how did we do? Any chance we’ll actually get accepted by the New Republic Navy?”

“You gotta let us in, man. Especially after that teamwork- I mean, just look at how fast we tracked you down! And that Bruce Lee yell… that was awesome, right? Can you give your recommendation to your superiors for us? Please?”

Ryonin wasn’t normally the begging type, but this was no run-of-the-mill guild. The NRN had been around ever since the old days of gaming, and I do mean old days. Supposedly, the New Republic Navy had been established even before the turn of the century, way back in the 1990’s when internet gaming was just getting started. Naturally, it was one of the oldest and strongest guilds in PSO. It was one of the few guilds with the resources to build an actual base and yet, it only had several hundred members- all of them being considerably skilled. Why, some of them had even been in the Online Olympic games. Several hundred guild members out of several million PSO players was pretty exclusive. Being able to join a guild like this was a once in a lifetime chance.

“You’ll let us in, right, Hope? I may have gotten a little carried away with some remarks… but it was only because I was giving it my all. And even if you don’t admit us, I will try to remember your training.”

Hope seemed somewhat surprised by what I said as his expression lightened up a little. He took a brief moment to look me over before he finally spoke, “You know what? Of course you guys are in. I think it’ll be a lot of fun with the two of you around.”

“Yes!!”

“Awesome!”

“Yeah. I’m excited too, it’ll be nice to have some new members.” Hope began making his way to a path that lead through the woods while he spoke. We followed him, hanging on his every word, “Now that you’re both NRN, you can add the titles to your ID whenever you want. As for right now, I’ll give you a tour of our headquarters. There should be a teleport station just a couple miles or so east of here.”

“Hold on a minute. Isn’t there supposed to be a major game update today? I heard that they’re uploading a huge new expansion and that the main server is going down”

“You’re right, Gavin. There will be an update, but our HQ is sitting way up in the sky. If you’re up there, you won‘t be disconnected from the server. It’s just one of many advantages of having an elite headquarters.”

“No way! I totally forgot about that. So, we can actually watch the world being updated?!”

“Absolutely, Ryonin. The update starts in a half-hour, though so we need to keep a steady pace. Servers are supposed to be down for at least 48 hours which means that we won’t be able to log back in if we don’t make it in time.”

“Okay, Hope. I’m just gonna go and add this NRN tag to my ID and I’ll log back in right after. It won’t take more then a few seconds, I won’t even need to remove my headset IRL”

“Ryo…” Hope let out a brief sigh and checked the mini-screen on his wrist, “Look, I’m not kidding. We have 29 minutes left, alright? Gavin and I can’t wait up for you, so meet us at the-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the peaceful sounds of the woods were devastated by the sound of a loud crash in the distance. We didn’t even have time to react before a sudden spray of yellow photon bolts came flying out from inside of the woods. Hope and I had already leapt behind a rock that sat just off of the path and used it for cover when we noticed that Ryonin was nowhere to be seen.

“Ryonin!?” I half-shouted, half-whispered with a hoarse sort of tone.

“He must still be on the path… that fool!” Hope and I scrambled for our sabers and poked our heads over the rock. We expected to see Ryonin standing there, shooting blindly into the woods, but what we found was his body lying face-first on the path. Steam was rising off of his back from the heat of apparently getting hit by something much stronger then a bullet.

“Ryonin! Get up!” I stopped and looked around. Photon bullets were still coming out of the woods, but none of them seemed to be directed at us. I noticed the light from a few fireballs light up the darkness in the woods beyond the other side of the path. “This is insane! There must be a huge battle going on, why wasn’t there even any warning?”

“Probably because it was a planned ambush. We’d better not get involved.” Hope stayed low to the ground and ran out onto the path by our fallen comrade. He nudged him several times, “Listen, if you don’t get up, we’re going to have to leave you behind. Quit playing dead already.”

I ran out onto the path as well, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I noticed something. After looking at his face, all that I could see was the white of his eyes- no pupils. I rolled him onto his back and his body was completely lifeless. He had become like a rag doll. His eyes had rolled all the way back into his head.

“HEY, WHAT THE?!” Hope gagged a little and rose to his feet. Even back then, I had a pretty high threshold for things of a more grotesque nature, but I’ll admit that this was disturbing to even me. Both of us knew at this point that Ryonin was not acting. “Why isn’t he respawning? WHAT is going on?!”

Hope looked directly at me in the very moment that the two of us realized how serious this was.

“Something isn’t right, here, Hope. He isn’t joking around. What if…” I paused for a moment to swallow and get my breath. I noticed Hope give me a look as though he didn’t want me to finish my sentence, but I had to. “What if Ryonin is really gone?”



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Atayin on 2006-02-26 21:37 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Atayin on 2006-02-26 22:41 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Atayin on 2006-02-27 14:59 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Atayin on 2006-03-03 11:40 ]</font>

HUnewearl_Meira
Feb 27, 2006, 12:09 AM
Stickied.

cutegrl88
Feb 28, 2006, 11:31 PM
very interesting read. few things i noticed :


* moves at a slow pace. it was a chore reading through.

* i loved how it ended though. im real excited to read the next chapter

keep us posted =)

White_Knight
Mar 1, 2006, 02:53 AM
To me it sort of feels like .Hack//sign. I don't know if that was your original intent or not but that's kind of how it felt.

ZaiV2
Mar 1, 2006, 07:39 PM
To me it sort of feels like .Hack//sign. I don't know if that was your original intent or not but that's kind of how it felt.
Agreed. It definitely has a .Hack/sign feel to it, though the exposition is more than enough of a differentiation. Good job.

Atayin
Mar 2, 2006, 05:52 PM
Thanks for the feedback. From what I know about .hack, the similarity would probably be in the online world. What I've seen of the .hack series has never seemed that serious, and I intend for this story to gradually become more brutal as it continues.

Chapter 1 drags out a little, as it's an introduction to certain characters and important things that will be relevant later on. Hopefully I'll be able to write the rest of the story so that it moves along somewhat faster.

Chapter 2 is coming along, so if anybody notices flaws or thinks I need to improve my writing style, any constructive critism would be appreciated. Thank ya http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

Buddichan
Mar 2, 2006, 10:29 PM
Well, I must say that I really like the beginning of your story here. Very interesting start, that's for sure. Definitely gonna look forward to more!

So... constructive criticism, huh? hmm, let's see... well, for one... "can not" is one word (lol). First paragraph of the prologue near the end. It kinda glared out at me, so I'd thought I'd mention it. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

As for your writing style, it's very good as far as I can tell. The only thing that I noticed could be inproved was the way you write your dialogue. Not the dialogue itself I mean. What the people are saying is great, but there really isn't any... uh, stage direction, for lack of a better term. Y'know, like saying what someone was doing while they were talking etc. You definitely could've used some more for Ryonin; you made him have such an animated way of talking, but never gave him anything to do! lol

Okay, here's an example of what I mean:

“Hope’s right. I didn’t even realize what you tried to do, Ryo. Thanks, man. I owe you.”

“It’s all gravy, Gavin. We’re partners, right? I‘ve got your back, you‘ve got mine.”

I let out a half smile and shook his hand.

All you really need to do is something like "Ryonin stuck his hand out to me." (but not as crappy sounding LOL). It gives him a bit more character, and it helps it flow into the next paragraph better.

What I found amazing about this was that much of the time you didn't even say who was talking, but I could tell who it was just by their tone... very cool. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_smile.gif

So... that's all I've got for now. Can't wait for chapter 2!

Atayin
Mar 3, 2006, 02:36 PM
Thank you very much, Buddichan. The advice was a big help. That's exactly what I meant by constructive critism. You're right, my writing was lacking those intricate descriptions, and I'm keeping that in mind while revising my progress on Chapter 2 which is almost finished.