CupOfCoffee
Mar 11, 2006, 10:36 PM
Today I was browsing the teeming hive that is MySpace.com, and I read a particularly stupid bulletin. It was another one of those "boy breaks up with girl in very brutal way, girl gets sad and kills herself, ghost of girl will kill you tonight at 11:11 PM unless you repost this" bulletins. Inspired by its horribleness, I wrote one of my own, and plan to post it as soon as MySpace is back up and running. Anyone else who wants to post it from their own account as a bulletin can feel free, and there's no need to give me credit. I just want people to realize that by reposting stupid stories like the one described above, they're only contributing to the problem, haha. So, without further ado, here is the story of Laura Lava.
Laura Lava was a bright and friendly 16-year-old girl if there ever was one. She swam and did gymnastics, and on her days off enjoyed filling her sketchbook with page after page of colorful drawings of flowers, animals, and anything else that caught her keen eye. She could draw like a bandit, she could, in addition to her many other talents. Yes sir, Laura would have been well on her way to the IV league college of her choice had it not been for the not-so-lovable antics of Billy Slaughter, her delinquent on-again off-again boyfriend.
Laura just couldn't seem to shake the loser. He would call at all hours of the night to tell her how much he hated her and hoped she stepped on rusty nails, was attacked by cheetahs, and got things left out of her order by Taco Bell, but the next day he would be all smiles and flowers until she "got out of line" again. Her parents tried to tell her that "Bad News Billy" was just as his nickname suggested, but Laura wouldn't hear of it. She was determined to prove that she was the one in control, not Billy, and when things got too out of hand, she would be the one to do the dumping.
Laura opened her eyes and suddenly realized she must have dozed off. The TV hummed artificially as the screen broadcast nothing but dancing static, lighting with an eerie clarity the living room of her parents' house. Shadows of furniture quivered in the unsteady light giving everything a creepy funhouse feel. She shivered.
That may have been partially because she still wasn't entirely dry yet—not two hours ago, Billy had slam dunked her into a pond for failing to call him from her granny's house, as all rotten-hearted boyfriends tend to frequently do, it seems. She'd dried off with a towel, but her hair had remained wet and unkempt as she had silently fallen asleep in the dark living room.
She pushed the blankets aside, rose to her small, socked feet, and padded into the kitchen for something to kill her thirst. For being such an avid swimmer and fan of water, Laura sure found herself thirsty a lot. As she opened the refrigerator door with the soft pulling sound it always made as the airtight seal was broken, she noticed a strange lack of light coming from inside. Upon closer inspection, she found that a severed goat's head was blocking the fluorescent bulb.
"No… no!" Laura stammered as she stepped backwards, crashing into the counter and rattling the oven's top burners. She fell to her knees and began to cry, for Bitey the goat had been her favorite pet.
"Billy… you bastard! For this, you will die tonight!" she declared, her voice breaking in the process. She roughly wiped away her tears with one sleeve and stood back up, green emerald eyes ablaze with the burning maternal rage of an ex-pet owner. She knew what she had to do.
Gathering supplies came first. Laura spent only a few minutes rummaging around the house for what she thought she would need to take down Billy.
Gloves.
Jumpsuit.
Halloween mask.
Katana wrapped in barbed wire.
Laura was dressed to kill (quite literally) as she stepped out the front door, closing it behind her with the all-seeing-all-knowing silent caution of a ninja assassin. She noticed the way her feet pushed softly into the ground, still-damp from the enormous splash that had drenched the entire town when Billy had shoved her into the pond with enough force to destroy the moon. Luckily for Laura and unluckily for Billy, this had not been enough to stop her. Not that anyone would have been able to see through the mask, but a slight grin tugged at the corners of Laura's mouth as she leapt houses and flew through the night, using every iota of her gymnastics training to defy not only gravity but physics itself as she made her way at hyper ninja speed to Billy's house.
When she had arrived, she landed in his driveway on light feet with the elegant slinkiness of a cat, crouching immediately upon impact to protect her pressure-sensitive joints. She crept up to the front door and opened it with the slightest flick of her wrist, being careful not to make noise.
As she tip-toed through the darkened house with one hand on her katana's hilt, she thought back to the day she'd met Billy. He had rear ended her because he didn't like her "mean people suck" bumper sticker, and they had really hit it off. Soon they were going to school dances together, the movies together, even just staying home and doing nothing together. My, how jaded she felt as she realized his abuses had stretched back even that far. Throwing the remote at her head when she asked to change the channel, purposefully tripping her or spiking her punch with gasoline at the dance—it was all there, she just hadn't seen it through her rose-colored 16-year-old girl glasses. Well, it was payback time. She decided this as she left the hallway and entered Billy's room, where she found him playing Grand Theft Auto. He wasn't doing the missions, just going around beating up old people and shooting rockets at the police. Typical, she thought as she threw the katana at his PlayStation 2 with such lightning speed that it not only sliced without making a sound, but in fact didn't even interrupt Billy's game as it pierced through the plastic casing of the machine. It stuck sharply and stood in the wall behind the game, its silver blade shimmying back and forth slightly from the impact.
Billy turned around, his eyes alive with hatred.
"BITCH U RUIND MY GAME LOL!" Billy shouted, somehow managing to misspell spoken words. This shocked Laura just long enough for Billy to strike a powerful blow to her midsection, sending her flying backwards and crashing completely through the wall of Billy's room. She bounced down the stairs that happened to reside directly outside the now destroyed wall, oofing and grunting as she went. By the time she finally reached the bottom of the stairwell, she'd already arranged herself to land on her feet, and land on her feet she did. Her bounds were almost feline as she flew back up the stairs, meeting Billy's face with the heel of her foot in a flying scissor kick when she reached the top. He cried out in shock as he stumbled backwards, tripping over the debris of his old wall and back into his room with a huge thud. Laura jumped in after him, raining punches upon his body.
"You killed my goat, you bastard!"
"WAT?" Billy shrieked, trying unsuccessfully to shield himself from the wasp stings of Laura's hundred fists.
"You cut off his head and put it in my refrigerator!"
"LOL NO DAT WAS SUM1 ELSE U BITCH," Billy managed to shout as Laura pounded his face in. Suddenly, she stopped. Someone else? What? Could it be?
"dat was da pharaoh of ugypt, duh," Billy said, a little more calmly now.
"The pharaoh of Egypt? What the hell are you talking about?" Laura demanded, raising her fist again to strike a threatening I'm-going-to-beat-you-to-death pose.
Suddenly, Billy's roof was sucked off and drawn into the night sky, joining the stars as it vanished in a point of light hundreds of billions of miles away. A giant head wearing a jackal mask and sporting an unusually long beard wrapped in some strange material appeared and looked down at the two teens.
That was the last sight Laura Lava and Billy Slaughter ever saw as they stared up in disbelief, for it was then that the pharaoh of Egypt used his deadly eye lasers to erase Billy's house and everyone inside from the face of the earth. The only thing left standing today is the charred, blackened foundation and Laura's katana, still wrapped in barbed wire and still stuck in the only standing wall, its blade still proudly displaying the previously unmentioned engraving:
"REPOST THIS OR TEH PHARAOH WILL COME AT 9:36 2NITE AND BURN U WIT HI SLASER EYES 2 LOL"
Laura Lava was a bright and friendly 16-year-old girl if there ever was one. She swam and did gymnastics, and on her days off enjoyed filling her sketchbook with page after page of colorful drawings of flowers, animals, and anything else that caught her keen eye. She could draw like a bandit, she could, in addition to her many other talents. Yes sir, Laura would have been well on her way to the IV league college of her choice had it not been for the not-so-lovable antics of Billy Slaughter, her delinquent on-again off-again boyfriend.
Laura just couldn't seem to shake the loser. He would call at all hours of the night to tell her how much he hated her and hoped she stepped on rusty nails, was attacked by cheetahs, and got things left out of her order by Taco Bell, but the next day he would be all smiles and flowers until she "got out of line" again. Her parents tried to tell her that "Bad News Billy" was just as his nickname suggested, but Laura wouldn't hear of it. She was determined to prove that she was the one in control, not Billy, and when things got too out of hand, she would be the one to do the dumping.
Laura opened her eyes and suddenly realized she must have dozed off. The TV hummed artificially as the screen broadcast nothing but dancing static, lighting with an eerie clarity the living room of her parents' house. Shadows of furniture quivered in the unsteady light giving everything a creepy funhouse feel. She shivered.
That may have been partially because she still wasn't entirely dry yet—not two hours ago, Billy had slam dunked her into a pond for failing to call him from her granny's house, as all rotten-hearted boyfriends tend to frequently do, it seems. She'd dried off with a towel, but her hair had remained wet and unkempt as she had silently fallen asleep in the dark living room.
She pushed the blankets aside, rose to her small, socked feet, and padded into the kitchen for something to kill her thirst. For being such an avid swimmer and fan of water, Laura sure found herself thirsty a lot. As she opened the refrigerator door with the soft pulling sound it always made as the airtight seal was broken, she noticed a strange lack of light coming from inside. Upon closer inspection, she found that a severed goat's head was blocking the fluorescent bulb.
"No… no!" Laura stammered as she stepped backwards, crashing into the counter and rattling the oven's top burners. She fell to her knees and began to cry, for Bitey the goat had been her favorite pet.
"Billy… you bastard! For this, you will die tonight!" she declared, her voice breaking in the process. She roughly wiped away her tears with one sleeve and stood back up, green emerald eyes ablaze with the burning maternal rage of an ex-pet owner. She knew what she had to do.
Gathering supplies came first. Laura spent only a few minutes rummaging around the house for what she thought she would need to take down Billy.
Gloves.
Jumpsuit.
Halloween mask.
Katana wrapped in barbed wire.
Laura was dressed to kill (quite literally) as she stepped out the front door, closing it behind her with the all-seeing-all-knowing silent caution of a ninja assassin. She noticed the way her feet pushed softly into the ground, still-damp from the enormous splash that had drenched the entire town when Billy had shoved her into the pond with enough force to destroy the moon. Luckily for Laura and unluckily for Billy, this had not been enough to stop her. Not that anyone would have been able to see through the mask, but a slight grin tugged at the corners of Laura's mouth as she leapt houses and flew through the night, using every iota of her gymnastics training to defy not only gravity but physics itself as she made her way at hyper ninja speed to Billy's house.
When she had arrived, she landed in his driveway on light feet with the elegant slinkiness of a cat, crouching immediately upon impact to protect her pressure-sensitive joints. She crept up to the front door and opened it with the slightest flick of her wrist, being careful not to make noise.
As she tip-toed through the darkened house with one hand on her katana's hilt, she thought back to the day she'd met Billy. He had rear ended her because he didn't like her "mean people suck" bumper sticker, and they had really hit it off. Soon they were going to school dances together, the movies together, even just staying home and doing nothing together. My, how jaded she felt as she realized his abuses had stretched back even that far. Throwing the remote at her head when she asked to change the channel, purposefully tripping her or spiking her punch with gasoline at the dance—it was all there, she just hadn't seen it through her rose-colored 16-year-old girl glasses. Well, it was payback time. She decided this as she left the hallway and entered Billy's room, where she found him playing Grand Theft Auto. He wasn't doing the missions, just going around beating up old people and shooting rockets at the police. Typical, she thought as she threw the katana at his PlayStation 2 with such lightning speed that it not only sliced without making a sound, but in fact didn't even interrupt Billy's game as it pierced through the plastic casing of the machine. It stuck sharply and stood in the wall behind the game, its silver blade shimmying back and forth slightly from the impact.
Billy turned around, his eyes alive with hatred.
"BITCH U RUIND MY GAME LOL!" Billy shouted, somehow managing to misspell spoken words. This shocked Laura just long enough for Billy to strike a powerful blow to her midsection, sending her flying backwards and crashing completely through the wall of Billy's room. She bounced down the stairs that happened to reside directly outside the now destroyed wall, oofing and grunting as she went. By the time she finally reached the bottom of the stairwell, she'd already arranged herself to land on her feet, and land on her feet she did. Her bounds were almost feline as she flew back up the stairs, meeting Billy's face with the heel of her foot in a flying scissor kick when she reached the top. He cried out in shock as he stumbled backwards, tripping over the debris of his old wall and back into his room with a huge thud. Laura jumped in after him, raining punches upon his body.
"You killed my goat, you bastard!"
"WAT?" Billy shrieked, trying unsuccessfully to shield himself from the wasp stings of Laura's hundred fists.
"You cut off his head and put it in my refrigerator!"
"LOL NO DAT WAS SUM1 ELSE U BITCH," Billy managed to shout as Laura pounded his face in. Suddenly, she stopped. Someone else? What? Could it be?
"dat was da pharaoh of ugypt, duh," Billy said, a little more calmly now.
"The pharaoh of Egypt? What the hell are you talking about?" Laura demanded, raising her fist again to strike a threatening I'm-going-to-beat-you-to-death pose.
Suddenly, Billy's roof was sucked off and drawn into the night sky, joining the stars as it vanished in a point of light hundreds of billions of miles away. A giant head wearing a jackal mask and sporting an unusually long beard wrapped in some strange material appeared and looked down at the two teens.
That was the last sight Laura Lava and Billy Slaughter ever saw as they stared up in disbelief, for it was then that the pharaoh of Egypt used his deadly eye lasers to erase Billy's house and everyone inside from the face of the earth. The only thing left standing today is the charred, blackened foundation and Laura's katana, still wrapped in barbed wire and still stuck in the only standing wall, its blade still proudly displaying the previously unmentioned engraving:
"REPOST THIS OR TEH PHARAOH WILL COME AT 9:36 2NITE AND BURN U WIT HI SLASER EYES 2 LOL"