I am snippy and it sucks.

[CupOfCoffee]

I think I have a mental echo. Or not so much an echo as a trench that I'm too short to climb out of, but only fall into in certain situations. That probably makes no sense, but I'll explain.

This is mostly a problem around my parents. I've lived with them all my life and will continue to do so until August (when I'll go off to college three hours away). I'm not sure why I'm only a jerk around them, but it really makes me angry/sad, because they're my parents. I have always strived to be a tolerable, if not good son. I don't drink or smoke or come home in the backs of police cars, I don't fight with them or badmouth them to my friends, or basically do anything that would make them cry with their hands over their faces. Whenever I feel the urge to explode at either my mum or dad, I remember that I'm that kid they made together. I think about how they would feel and suddenly that urge to blow up goes away, and I feel like a douche for even having considered it. However...

Somehow the clogged explosion pipe diverts all that negative energy into the snippiness pipe, which I fear is even worse. At least with periodic explosions, I would have a normal (albeit possibly more disheartening in the moment) anger vent that they would understand. With snippiness, I just come across as an overall jerk.

Take today for instance. My best friend, as some may know, is a girl named Kristi. We have had, to put it cornily, a whirlwind friendship. We got to know each other very well and very fast, and seldom has a day gone by where we haven't done something interesting together. We've gone over dating and all that jazz and mutually decided that remaining just friends is the best way to go, and that's that in my book.

My mom, however, just doesn't get this. At all. And I mean, I can sort of see it from her point of view. When is Jack ever going to just have a nice girlfriend? Why aren't Jack and Kristi dating yet? If I were a mom and my son were like me, I would probably think the same things. Even with this empathetic knowledge bouncing around my brain, I still freak out and get unreasonably angry whenever she innocently brings up the subject of romance.

I was playing some game on the upstairs TV (because it's 42 inches big and plasma!) just now, and she yelled from the kitchen, "Hey, is Kristi home from school yet?"
Me, instantly tensing up: "Yes."
Mom, innocently: "Oh, has she been over here since she got back?"
Me, blood pressure rising even as I try to fight it back: "No."
Mom: "You should invite her over!"
Me: "She's allergic to cats."
Mom: "I know, but maybe she could come over for just a little while."
Me, thinking it may be the end of the conversation: "Yeah, maybe."
Mom, with this note of mischief in her voice: "You should ask her out on a date!"
Me, jaw clenched: "NO!"
Mom: "So you don't want to see her?"
Me, trying my best to remain calm and not mean sounding: "Damnit mom, I do want to see her. And I will. We will hang out in the very, very near future. But it will not be a date."
Mom, now becoming slightly defensive: "I didn't mean a date date. And don't get so mad, we're just talking!"
Me, madly: "No, you're not just talking. You're patronizing. Just... leave all this alone, okay?"
Mom: "Fine."
Then there was awkward silence.

Was my mom being entirely unreasonable in asking where my best friend is? Of course not, but in my twisted perception, it comes across as a cardinal sin. Somehow it feels akin to me walking into her room when she's asleep and yelling, "HEY MOM, HOW ARE THOSE CRAMPS TREATING YOU?" I wish there was better communication between us, but... well... I'm just not that good at talking to my parental units. What a drag.

Thanks to anyone who read all this nonsense, by the way!

[EJ]

Don't feel bad I'm that way with my mom also.

She ask me stuff innocently and I get all tense and stuff. I guess I just feel like when she starts talking she will give me the 20 question routine and I will never hear the end of it. >_>

[CupOfCoffee]

Yeah man, exactly. I think I'm just way too private a person (except around a select few friends and/or coworkers), and the outgoing, friendly way others sometimes instantly try to relate to me with just kind of... goes against my grain. But it's my damn mother, I should have a system down for relating easily to her after 19 freaking years.

I should change my title.

[Charmander02]

They're parents, they push your buttons without even knowing it.

Grandparents are worse though....

[zwandude15]

I really don't see your reason to be upset...

She had perfect reason to say something like that, and even you could see from her point of view.

Gosh, I wish my parents were cool enough to just talk to me like that...then again, a good friend of mine has awesome parents, and all he ever does is say how they're a pain in the butt sometimes.

The way your conversation worked out, actually sounded like a best-friend conversation. I'm jealous to say the least. My parents can't be cool about crap. Nor could they trust me enough to ASK to have a Girlfriend over. They don't even allow my girlfriend over unless they're here. The way your mom was talking, she probably would've even let you have some alone time.

Then again, that's going off the subject, since you say friendship is the most you've considered with this Kristi.

I think it's the coffee. Seriously, just talk with her. No big deal. Always keep your cool.

[CupOfCoffee]

On 2006-05-20 17:32, zwandude15 wrote:
I really don't see your reason to be upset...

...

The way your conversation worked out, actually sounded like a best-friend conversation. I'm jealous to say the least.

Yeah, I know. That's just it--my parents are perfectly cool; it's me that's not. XD

Edit: And my screen name has nothing to do with literal coffee, haha.

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: CupOfCoffee on 2006-05-20 22:27 ]</font>

[ABDUR101]

Everyone has hot-button issues that they have come to conclusions with on their own, but others don't quite 'get it', so to have it repeatedly brought up, when you know the issue is more or less resolved, is one of those cases.

I am a very private person when it comes to my family. I don't want to know their business, I don't want them to know my business. Growing up I was very close to all my sisters and my mother, but something happened about six or seven years ago which really made a chasm, and I'm not close nor have the trust in them that I did, and I'll never give it to them anytime soon because of it.

You do have a cool relationship with your parents if you can have a conversation like that with your mom though. In the sense that she's actually trying to help you, and being laid back about it.

If you can have a laid back conversation with your parents, you are extremely lucky. I can't do that anymore, with anyone in my family except my brother and my oldest neice/nephew(sometimes).

But, I digress. Like I said, some things are just hot-button issues with all of us. You and Kristi, thats your hot-button issue, because you've resolved it between yourselves and you feel it's rude that your mom keep bringing it up. I think you should, again if it's already been done, sit your mom down and firmly say look, Kristi and I are best friends, we've talked about dating, and we've agreed we don't want to.

But, to be honest. The best relationship to be in, is someone you're great friends with and can get along with. You seem mature enough, so if you were to date for a while and things just weren't 'working out' for either of you, you can just agree that it was a nice effort, but you are better as friends. No harm, no foul, and it was worth a try.

Personally, I don't like many people, most people annoy the shit out of me, and I have to truely and utterly trust someone, so the first place I'd look for a relationship would be a good friend.

[CupOfCoffee]

Abdur, YES. Haha. You totally, 100% understand. This is a victory.

What I didn't go over in my original post is that Kristi and I are so close partially because she is exactly the type of person I would want to date. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'd be able to turn her down if she wanted to try for something more than friendship. I'm so so so glad that she doesn't, though. Maybe she never will, and that's fine by me because I feel like the pure, open, best friends forever type friendship we have is infinitely stronger than any kind of romance would be. If we were to go out, there's always the chance that we would break up. There's sex. There are so many variables that could change and/or ruin what we have that I feel it's not worth the risk. As friends, we will always have something that basically can't be defeated, and I think there's something powerful to be said for that.

Besides, at 19, neither of us are done growing up yet. Friends outlast this process--romantic partners often don't.

Of course, this is all at least a little complex, but I've worked it all out in my mind. I know and trust it well enough to write it down, like I just did. To me, it's pretty much complete. That's why when my mom brings it up so lightly, more or less assuming that I haven't figured it out for myself yet, that it bothers me so much. Hmm. With all this in mind, I should be able to tackle the problem of overreacting to her, but... bah. XD