FanFic: Seishou No Kamigami

[DonRoyale]

By popular vote, I'm bringing the story you yourselves voted me to bring, the most unique story you'll ever hear, the story of Seishou No Kamigami!

NOTE: Translated as "Energy Of The Gods".

I have a few subtle points I try to get across with this.

-Superpowers are stupid, and they're downright apocalyptic in the wrong hands. Anyone can use any power to end the world. It's true. You just gotta learn how to use your power and BAM!; one-man army. Also, with science the way it is, they can discover the genes that give you your power, splice it, replicate it, and inject it into the army, making people into machines of war. That would spawn WWIII, the Apocalypse.

-This has NOTHING to do with ANY religions. Infact, I'm suprised this hasn't gotten any severe religious backlash from Christians or Hindus or Buddhists or whatever. It defies one of the greatest laws of religions, despite the fact that even now this same reason is being used all over the world as an excuse to wage war.

-I'm the most creative storywriteer you'll ever meet. You'd go insane reading my mind, trust me http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

-I (and my friends, because I'm not the only one being a part of this) designed all these characters independently. They're original, fresh, and kickass. So don't hate, don't take, and all that jazz. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

-This story was originally based off a popular anime called Inu-Yasha, as you know from the vote thread I posted earlier. (I killed Naraku off in the second episode and made fights that seemed so one-sided but somehow weren't, and it ended up with the one powerless guy always winning. Strange, huh? http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif)

-There is a ton of what most veteran RP'ers call 'godmodding' in here. Trust me, you'd be dead in two seconds if you fought these guys anywhere but in here. Oh, did I say two seconds? Two nanoseconds. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

-There are a lot of main characters, more and more as the seasons of this story progress. (I probably won't finish by the time I'd wanted to, but whatever. Strap yourselves in, this will take an EXTREMELY LONG TIME http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif)

-This has some gods in it. Their names are not derived from any gods of other religions (only one has a name and I don't know what it means, but it doesn't connect with his character http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif)

OK, so some of these points seem irrelevant right now, right? It's the introduction, not much godmodding there. I just thought I'd make things clear at the start, so nobody gets all confused and shit. =

So, without further ado:

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~§³¡§#0ú ñó K@m¡g@m¡~ Chapter 1

The year is 1000. The gods made a powerful relic to advocate peace, and gave it to the humans to protect and pray to. However, certain gods desired this power and went to the dark side just to get it. Those gods became evil devils, and used their immense power to create demons that would steal this powerful relic for them. The gods, fearing for the lives of the humans, hid the relic away in the spiritual world secretly. However, during their search, the blood of thousands of humans flowed pointlessly as the demons searched for the relic. The gods sent two of their own to inflitrate the devil's sanctuaries and create good demons that would help the gods. However, the devils eventually learned that the relic existed in the spirit world, and brought the battle to a incorporeal level. What few demons remain either try to anihalate or repair what little is left of the torn society. These are their stories.

(insert Law and Order sound effect here XD)

Man, guarding this place is booooring. Shiko the monk had been wandering around the land, trying to get money to fend for himself. Times were hard for him-his parents were murdered by demons when he was very young, and since then, he’s been training in hopes of one day meeting and killing the demons that murdered his family. He’d taken on a job by the leader of a prosperous village to guard the village against any demons who may enter. Apparently, the priest of the village had sensed a tremendous foreboding evil would soon plague the village.

”Daddy, I’m going out to the forest to go get some food!” Shiko turned around to see a beautiful young lady, who looked about 17 years old, leaving the residence of the village leader.

”No, Zeena, you can’t! Not until the evil has passed by our village!” The village leader emerged from his residence, fearing for his daughter’s safety.

”Excuse me, sir…” Shiko approached the village leader with a solution to the problem at hand. “Why doesn’t your daughter come with me? I will protect her from any danger that she runs into.”

The village leader breathed a sigh of relief and said, “That’s a wonderful idea, Shiko! Zeena, go with Shiko to the forest.”

Zeena crossed her arms in distaste. “Must I go with this man? What if he attempts to make a move on me?”

Shiko looked at her with a puzzled look on his eyes. The village leader sternly replied, “He will not make a move on you, Zeena. Should he attempt to do so, he will not receive his pay. Understood, monk?”

Shiko gulped and replied, “Certainly.” With that, the two departed for the forest.

Meanwhile…

”It’s been a while, my lord.”

”So it has. Listen, I gathered you three because there’s a job I want you to do. I expect you won’t fail me.”

”My lord...” the main servant spoke.

”Yes? What is it?”

”Master, I’m not sure about this. Are you sure we can leave a job of this magnitude in the hands of these three birdbrains?”

”I wouldn’t have gathered them, had I not had complete faith in them. And who are you to question my judgment?”

”I apologize, my lord, however I felt it was a rather rash decision and-“

He replied sharply, “Quiet. You know I don’t make rash decisions.”

”Yes, milord…”

”Now, you three…”

”Yes, my lord?”

”You know what you are to do. Should you fail, you will be punished.”

One of the servants gulped. “Y-Yes, my lord…” With that, the three servants disappeared.

”Hmph,” the master said, “I don’t expect them to be successful.”

”What?! You don’t?”

”No, I merely expect them to get his attention.”

”But, my lord, how do you even know he’s there?”

”I know he’s there. I know because he knows of the girl…”

”The girl with the precious gem we’re after?”

”Yes. With that in my possession, all of my enemies will be out of my way.”

”Ah, I see, my lord. Brilliant! However, what if he gains possession of the gem before us?”

”If he does, I will have no choice but to kill him.”

”Ah, I see…”

”With that done, I have some other business to attend to…”

”What? I thought we were done here! We can’t go back to the castle?”

”No, we can’t. First and foremost, I have to attend to Alachi.”

”Of course…”

”He’s done something to me that I can’t forgive. I cannot be at peace until he is dead.” The master walked deeper into the forest. The servant followed, but was stopped by a barrier.

”My lord!” The servant got up, however he could not follow his master. “A barrier impedes my path!”

”Hmm? What?!” The master looked around. He was in shock-Why didn’t he see it before? He had walked straight into Alachi’s trap.

”Keh keh keh…I would have thought you were smarter than that…” a voice called out to him from deeper in the forest.

”Hmph, think what you want while you can, Alachi.”

”Heh, you think you have a chance against me?” He laughed maniacally.

”Grr…Damn you, Alachi!” The master sped off in the direction of the origin of Alachi’s voice.

Meanwhile, back at the forest…

”Look, Shiko, some rare fresh berries. These berries have incredible quality, and will be perfect for dinner tonight!” Zeena enthusiastically picked the berries from the branches while Shiko watched in boredom.

Ugh, why did I propose to watch this girl do nothing but pick berries? Shiko thought to himself. “Zeena, are you almost done?”

”Yes, Shiko, a few more berries and I’ll be done.” Zeena replied.

”That’s good, we’d-“ Shiko was cut off by a sound in the bushes that caught his attention. He looked over to see if anything was inside the bush, but when he parted them, he saw nothing. Weird…What was that? Shiko heard the noise again, but it came from farther away. He ran over to see what was in the bushes, but upon moving them, again, there was nothing. As soon as he was about to warn Zeena, a figure leaped out of the bushes and made a straight line for Zeena. Shiko jumped in between the two and blocked the figure’s charge with his staff.

”Out of my way, mortal,” the figure said as he jumped back, preparing for another charge. “You, girl, give me those berries.” He said as he stared at the basket with a hungry look in his eyes.

”So, it’s our food you’re after, is it? Well, I won’t let you!” Shiko raised his staff and pointed it at the figure. In response, the figure once again charged at them. Shiko raised his staff to block, but the figure feinted right and took this chance to swipe at Shiko. It wasn’t a killing strike, strangely, however it was enough to knock Shiko unconscious.

”P-p-please, d-d-don’t kill me…” Zeena said in fear while putting down the basket of berries. The figure snatched the basket and ran off.

Meanwhile, the whole time, the three servants were watching the events unfold.

”Heh, that punk couldn’t have made it easier for us!” one of them laughed.

”Hey, do you think that punk was that one guy Master was after?” one of them asked.

”Maybe, but let’s focus on the girl for right now…” the main one said. He looked at Zeena, who was weeping in fear. Fear for both her own and Shiko’s safety, now that Shiko was unconscious.

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You know, there was always one thing I was never good at doing with this story. No matter how I did it, I could never make the first chapter of this story as awe-inspiring and jaw-dropping as the rest of the series.

Chapter 2 will be posted as soon as I get some replies, feedback, etc.

Edited prologue, it needed fixing http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SereneShadows on 2006-10-12 19:42 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SereneShadows on 2006-10-13 15:34 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: SereneShadows on 2006-10-14 12:16 ]</font>

[Eihwaz]

I'm going to give you some critique.

Your prose is not very descriptive. You need to inject some more description and life into your descriptions. For instance:



The year is 1000. The times are hard for the humans, as demonic oppression has swept their homeland. The demons, sent by the devil himself, were a sign of the devil’s power, a power which was not ignored by the gods. The gods blessed a select few demons with the power to see through the devil’s corruption. These are their stories.

Personally, I find this section way too literal and not nearly descriptive enough for an introduction to the land. You just tell us what it is, and then throw us into the plot. What's it like for a world overpowered by demons? Describe what it's like. Use as vivid of imagery as you can.

Another thing would be to explain some backstory. Unless you're aiming to keep the backstory hidden for some brilliant plot twist, or some other artistic reason, it helps to put the story in some context. Why are there demons everywhere? Why would the gods give some demons extra powers?

Also, despite your various mentionings of how "creative" this story is, it just screams "generic anime fanfic." You even said yourself you based it off of Inu-Yasha. Basing a story off of an anime does not equal creative. If you had some more vivid discriptions, that would help with this complaint, but you don't. So, I had to imagine the story taking place in an "Inu-Yasha"-esque environment. There's nothing wrong with gathering inspiration from other sources, but try to make things unique in some way, so it's a creation by YOU, not the person who made your source.

I hope you can understand where I'm coming from with these criticisms. I tried not to simply be destructive ("OMFG UR FIC SUKKS GTFO MY PSOW"), but instead I tried to offer ways in which to rememdy these problems.

I will say that compared to the average anime-esque fanfic on the internet, yours is devoid of annoying spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. So, your prose is okay technically, it just needs lots of style tweaks.

If you want some more help, feel free to PM me or drop me an IM.

[DonRoyale]

I'll add you on MSN, since I have some explaining to do =

[DonRoyale]

Typing chapter 3 as I post this http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

Don't worry, this gets better, I assure you.

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~§³¡§#0ú ñó K@m¡g@m¡~ Chapter 2

The three parrot demons laughed. Now that Shiko was unconcious, Zeena would be an easy target. The three parrot demons emerged form the bushes, causing Zeena to jump back in fear.

"Who are you?" she asked.

One of the parrots laughed. "We're parrot demons, sent by our master to kidnap you! You're coming with us!" one of them said. They begun to move closer to Zeena.

Zeena screamed in fear. "Help me! EEEEEK!" she said as she was restrained by the parrot demons.

"Good, I'm certain he'll be pleased with us." the demon said.

"Yes, he'll certainly be pleased."

Meanwhile...

"Damn you, Alachi! Come out and fight like a man!" the master was burning down everything in his path-demons, forests, whatever would cross his path that led him to Alachi's castle. Eventually he arrived.

"Heheh, I'm waiting for you...Drake." said Alachi.

"Hmph, at least you bothered to remember my name." said Drake. Drake was a tall, muscular dragon demon. He wore no shirt, and had a small scar on his right pectorial. He had a human body but with a dragon head, and he had a slight amount of hair on the back of his head, red in color that died out as it extended.

Drake proceeded down the steps of the castle, into the courtyard. From all buildig exploded massive amounts of demons. Drake simply unleashed a tornado of black flames, which burned them all to the ground.

"I'm not in the mood to play games, Alachi." Drake said, snuffing out a small flame. He proceeded to destroy the last building that stil stood, which housed Alachi. Alachi wore various capes suspended by bones. Apparently, the bones were those of a spider demon's legs. On his wrists were the bones of the fangs of the same spider demon.

"Well, then, shall we stop the games?" Alachi shot a blast of webbing at Drake. He dodged it, but Alachi raised his other hand, and out from his other bracelet shot a blast of webbing. Being in the air, Drake couldn't dodge, so instead he unleashed a blast of fire to burn the webbing.

"That's it, Alachi. DIE." He charged at Alachi, who whipped up a tornado of webbing and moved so fast that he got away before Drake could chase him down.

"Grr..." Drake growled. "DAMN YOU, ALACHI!" Drake's rage caused a spiral of black flames to surround him, a spiral whose diameter grew larger and larger, destroying everything in its path. Eventually, the spiral grew so big it engulfed the whole castle. Then, the flames of the spiral died out as Drake's rage simmered.

Meanwhile...

"Whoa, what was that?" one of the parrot demons said.

"It must have been Lord Drake!" the second one said.

"I wonder if he killed Alachi?" the third one said.

Looking at each other, they all realised that Drake's black flames were caused by rage. "Uh oh..." they all said together.

"Well, he'll want the girl..." the first parrot demon said. "Let's bring her to Lord Drake."

"Good idea. He won't kill us if we don't disappoint him..." With that, the three parrot demons grabbed Zeena and flew off in Drake's direction.

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Hope you like it...Chapter 3 coming soon!

[Solstis]

Just another comment to add to Eihwaz's excellent one.

You certainly take the time to describe what people are wearing/what they look like, but most tend to ignore these sorts of things (the attention span of internet audiences is especially low).


[...]she said as she was restrained by the parrot demons.

How, exactly, did the parrot demons restrain her? Did they use their claws? Cast some funkadelic magic spell? Did they have some rope handy, like Samwise Gamgee? Readers (or maybe it's just me) tend to be more interested in what the characters are doing, and not what they look like.

[DonRoyale]

Well, first of all, I want to describe what they look like. Because I don't want to say, "He reached for his weapon", when I didn't even explain he had the weapon in the first place. Makes no sense =

And as for actions, I only pay attention to the ones that are important. How they restrained her wasn't important, it's that they did.

Plus, I suppose that's what I get for being lazy http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_disapprove.gif

Chapter 3! http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_wacko.gif

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~§³¡§#0ú ñó K@m¡g@m¡~ Chapter 3~

The three parrot demons arrived at the ruins of the castle. “Greetings, my lord.”

Drake turned around, easing his clenched fist. “Ah, I see you’ve brought the girl. Good.” Drake took the Zeena from the parrot demons, and searched her for the stone. “Ah, here it is…” He held up a stone with the eye of a tiger imbedded in it. “This is the second part of my plan, to do away with that meddling tiger…”

Drake’s main servant yelled to him as he was running toward him. “Lord Drake! Lord Drake!”

”What is it, Ezko?” Drake looked at him, then continued observing the stone.

”It’s him! He’s here!” Ezko said, catching his breath as he stopped.

”WHAT?! He’s already-“ Drake was cut off by a long blade striking the stone. The blade retracted as Drake looked towards its origin. It came from the same demon that robbed Zeena and Shiko.

”Well, Drake…” the demon said.

”…we meet again…” Drake finished. “…how amusing. First Alachi, now you. At least if I can’t kill him, I’ll kill you!” Drake said, unleashing a blast of flames at him. The demon dodged them, then extended his claws out at Drake, who caught them in place, then swung him around, but wasn’t able to finish due to the fact that he retracted his claws. “Well, well, I see you’ve improved your technique…Leonardo.”

Leonardo smirked. “Please, Drake, no need to be civil. I like to be called Leo, you know that.”

Drake let out a smug laugh. “Well, you’ll soon be called deceased!” Drake charged at Leo, who attempted more claw extensions, but Drake dodged them. Finally getting in close, Drake begun swinging left and right. Leo had to dodge-Drake was, physically, a lot stronger than Leo. However, Leo saw an opening, and managed to get a clean swipe in at Drake’s face. Drake stumbled back, wincing in pain.

”Arrgh…Damn you. Must you leave your incompetence all over my body?!” Drake yelled, noting the scar across his chest.

”Hmph, it’s your fault this is even happening!”

”Shut up, you, this is the fault of your people that it was allowed to happen in the first place!!!” Drake roared as he charged at Leo. He made a wide left swing, which Leo jumped back to dodge. However, Drake ran in, using this opportunity to punch Leo right in the gut, sending him flying back a few feet, yelling in pain.

”Urgh!” Leo said, clutching his stomach as he coughed out blood.

”You will experience the very same pain you and your vindictive people put my village through…YOU WILL PAY, LEONARDO!” Drake said, charging at Leo, preparing his finishing strike. However, Leo managed to recover, and sent his claws into Drake’s right shoulder. The attack wounded Drake, causing him to growl in pain, but he continued on, even though Leo also managed to pierce Drake’s left shoulder. He unleashed a jet of black flames that made a straight line for Leo. Leo barely found the strength to get up, much less jump back to dodge. However, he didn’t jump back far enough, and the attack hit Leo, causing him severe pain.

”HAH HAH HAH!” Drake laughed victoriously. “Burn for your deceit, your lies, your wicked actions! BURN, LEONARDO!” Drake laughed maniacally as the black flames faded, leaving Leo face-down on the floor, burned badly.

”Sir?” Ezko said, giving Drake the stone.

”I can’t use my arms, you imbecile! I’m heading back to the castle to repair my wounds. He’s out of my way, so the stone is of no use to me anymore. Dispose of it in whatever way you see fit.”

”Yes, sir!” Ezko said. He took out his staff and struck the stone, but the stone was too hard-Ezko’s staff bounced right off of it. “Curses, sir, it won’t budge!” He attempted again, this time putting all his strength into it. The stone cracked slightly, which caused Leo’s aura to make a slight pulse. Drake looked to see if he was moving, and he wasn’t, so he decided he’d leave. “Good work, you four. Back to the castle!”

The three parrot demons and Drake took off-Drake flying with his arms supported by one parrot demon each, and Ezko supported by the last parrot demon.

However, as they left, they didn’t notice that Leo’s hand twitched…

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[CupOfCoffee]

I have the same irks and issues with the story so far as the previous posters (generic/cliche anime feel, some awkward phrasing and descriptions, etc), but I'm looking forward to the next chapter. When are you going to post it?

[DonRoyale]

I was just waiting for more feedback before I posted the next chapter. Thanks CoC.

~§³¡§#0ú ñó K@m¡g@m¡~ Chapter 4~

”Ungh…Ow…” Shiko said, recovering from Leo’s attack. “I’m not badly hurt…nothing a few bandages won’t heal…” He looked around, and saw that Zeena was gone. “Oh, no! Where’s Zeen-OW!” In his panic, he tried to get up, but the crippling pain from his wound caused him to fall back to the ground. However, he didn’t hear some rustling in the bushes.

”Greetings once again, human.” Leo emerged from the bushes, carrying Zeena.

”You!” Shiko once again attempted to get up, but his wound once again tied him down to the floor. He growled at Leo.

”Oh, don’t worry, human. I mean you no harm. I merely wish to return this girl to you.” He placed Zeena on the ground, who woke up.

”Hu-what?” Zeena said drowsily. She opened her eyes, and upon seeing Leo, she shrieked in fear, then jumped back.

”It’s all right, you two, I don’t want to hurt you!” Leo said, stepping back.

”Huh, save it, demon!” Shiko threw his staff at Leo, but he didn’t have enough strength to throw it accurately, and it landed far away from Leo.

Leo looked at Shiko’s bleeding shoulder, and took out a small sack. Opening it, he dabbed his fingers in it, and pressed his fingers on Shiko’s wound, which healed immediately.

”Oh…thank…you?” Shiko said, confused.

Leo smiled, saying, “No problem…I didn’t mean to hurt you back then, it’s just that I haven’t eaten in weeks, and I was so hungry…”

Zeena studied Leo for a few moments. However, Leo noticed and said, “Hmm? Can I help you, miss?”

Startled, Zeena blushed, saying, “Oh, I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help but notice you look a lot more human than most demons I’ve seen.”

Leo laughed and scratched his head, saying, “Yeah, that’s because I’m only half-demon. I don’t intend to become a full demon, I just want to live a happy life of helping other people.” However, after saying that, his face grew cold and stern.

Noticing, Shiko asked, “What’s the matter?”

Leo replied, “Well, you see, an old rival of mine has been after me for quite some time…He was after the girl for a relic we’ve both been searching for since the near-birth of our two tribes. They say the stone can end the war between our tribes one way or another…” He took out the stone, but Zeena grabbed it immediately.

”That’s mine! It’s very precious to me!” she said defensively.

”Uh…sorry…” Leo apologized.

Shiko looked at the stone. “Hmm…Seems it’s cracked…” He examined the crack, and noticed that the crack exposed a very small portion of the tiger eye imbedded in the stone. “So…what’s it do?”

”Well, I’m not sure, but my rival and his tribe sure know a lot more about it than me. But I was told by my family never to let it fall into the hands of the enemy.” All of a sudden, Leo realized, “Hold on a second! In all this tension, I haven’t even properly introduced myself!” He held his hand out, saying, “My name is Leonardo. Please, though, call me Leo.”

Shiko shook Leo’s hand. “My name is Shiko. I go by Shiko The Wandering Monk.”

Zeena shook his hand. Blushing, she said, “Hello, my name’s Zeena. I’m the daughter of the head of my village.”

Getting serious again, Shiko said, “So, Leo, tell us more about your rival…”

Leo, too, became serious again, saying, “His name is Drake. He’s the most powerful of his kind, but he was cursed during the times of the war…”

”Ah, the demon war…” Shiko remembered. “…my parents were murdered by demons, and I won’t rest until I have my revenge!”

”I see…Well, times were desperate for us back then…” Leo said. “…we had superior cunning, but it was nothing in the face of such overwhelming power…The dragons’ overwhelming power pushed our tribe to the brink of extinction…We were forced to resort to hiring civilians to do our dirty work…” Leo said, remembering fondly the day that changed it all…

”So, let me get this straight…You say that your enemies are dragons?” The man laughed. “In that case, no reward is necessary. I have a score I need to settle with those dragons…”

Beaming, the tiger sitting across from him replied, “Well, isn’t that nice, son?” he said, using his massive hands to pet the boy Leonardo. “Wonderful…You may use whatever method you deem fit. I just want them dead, that’s all…”

The man grinned, saying, “Oh, don’t worry, sir, they will all die…” He got up and left the village, making his way across the mountain to the village of dragons.

”…and that’s how it happened…” Leo said, “It was horrible…the man lied to us, and even came back to our village to hide…”

”What is it, monk? Are they dead?”

”No,” he replied, “it’s horrible! They’re second-in-command is planning a huge attack! Man the barricades!” he screamed.

The leader of the village drew his axe, signaled the alarm, and roared, “To battle, men!”

”Father, what are your orders, sir?” Leo said.

”Stay here, son…” He donned his armor and made his way to the exit of his tent. “I don’t want you to be killed.”

”Father…” he said, but it was too late-Leo’s father had already left the tent and made a straight line for the gate of the village. His father looked back, and signaled a thumbs-up, but as he did, the gate exploded in black flames, badly burning everyone, and killing Leo’s father.

”FATHER!!!” Leo cried.

From the smoke emerged none other than Drake himself. As he let out a huff of black flame, he roared, “I KNOW YOU ARE HERE! SHOW YOURSELF!”

As he did, both Leo and the man emerged from the shadows.

”Here I am, Drake…I hope you and your father enjoyed my little ‘surprise’…” he said, laughing maniacally.

”What did you do to him?” Leo asked him.

”Ahahahaha, curious young boy…I simply laid a curse on the naïve fool. The curse forced him to kill his entire village!” he said smugly, laughing.

”Damn you, Alachi…I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!” Drake roared, charging at Alachi. However, Leo intercepted the attack, kicking Drake in the chest, which caused him to fly backwards.

”Grr…” He charged again, and Leo blocked.

”I won’t let you hurt him!” Leo said.

“Out of my way, boy!” He grabbed Leo’s arm, and flung him backwards, crashing him into the debris. He then continued his charge at Alachi. Alachi just stood there, hunched over. “Fine by me, Alachi, if that’s how you want to die, then so be it!” He leaped up, readying a burst of black flames, but was pierced in the shoulder by Leo’s claw.

”Nobody hurts my comrade!” Leo said.

”Grr…You are starting to become quite the thorn in my backside…DIE!” Drake unleashed a blast of black flames at Leo, who dodged. Running forward, Leo seized this opening and made a strong slash at Drake’s chest, causing a deep wound that made Drake fall to the ground, screaming in pain.

”Since you’re the last of your kind, I’ll kill you and end this war!!!” Leo said, preparing his final strike that would kill Drake. However, as he did, Drake roared loudly, causing a tornado of flames that Leo barely outran.

After the smoke cleared, Leo inspected his village, looking for survivors. He saw but one-Alachi, barely visible over the masses of bodies he’d used to shield himself from the blast.

”Alachi…” He looked at him. As the bodies fell to the floor, he saw his robes and hair were covered in blood.

”It’s me he’s after, not you, kid. Stay out of this.”

Leo noticed the body in front of him belonged to his mother. Gasping and stepping back in shock, he clenched his fist, saying, “You killed them…You killed innocent people, my family, friends, comrades…ALL TO PROTECT YOURSELF?!” Leo said, charging at Alachi, who faded into the darkness of the moonlight before Leo could strike.

”…and that’s how it happened. The three of us are all after each other for reasons of our own-Drake wants me because I interfered in his business, he wants Alachi because he cursed him into killing everyone, Alachi wants Drake because of some deep feud I don’t know of that his tribe did to him, and he wants me because I’m trying to kill them both. I want them both for killing my comrades…” Leo finished.

”Wow…” Shiko said, “that’s pretty deep…Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll help you, Leo. Perhaps if I came with you, I will find the demons who killed my family.”

”Thank you, Shiko. I appreciate it.” Leo said, getting up.

”Well, I’m coming along, too!” Zeena said.

”Hmm? Why do you want to come with us, Zeena? It’s going to be dangerous!” Shiko said.

”Well,” Zeena replied, “you two can protect me!”

Both Shiko and Leo stared at Zeena for a few moments before Zeena said, “Plus, I have the stone! I can’t give it up, and I’m in danger anyway if I keep it, right? So I might as well help you, because if he goes after me, you’ll want to meet up with him and kill him, right?”

”Yes, you’re right…” Leo said.

Zeena put her arms around both of their shoulders. “Well, then, it’s settled! We’re a team!”

[Sagasu]

Approaching this with an open mind and an understanding that it will take some time to flourish, I have enjoyed what I've read thus far.

The characters are very human, their simplicity only making them more real.(Alachi aside, since we dont know much about him).

How it is written is amazingly nostalgic, as if I were reading some unexplored chapter in the inuyasha series. I can imagine some more unfamiliar to such a world might have a harder time envisioning the events as they play out, but given the origins of the work I find that to be a given.

In chapter 4, the flashback sequence(es?) was rather confusing.. as to when the flashback stops and starts again, I've tried rereading the various paragraphs but it still makes little sense to me. Luckily, the little summuary Leo says at the end of it all gives me the gist of things from what I had deciphered already.

An unlikely band of friends has formed, Shiko and Zeena have abandoned the village to whatever crisis it may face alone, and all are willing to act on quick impulsive decisions~!

Please, continue. http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif

[DonRoyale]

Thanks, Sagasu. Good to have such an enthusiastic post from a seasoned writer and artist such as yourself http://www.pso-world.com/images/phpbb/icons/smiles/anime1.gif

Well, here's chapter 5. Sorry for the shortness, I promise 6 will be longer.

~§³¡§#0ú ñó K@m¡g@m¡~ Chapter 5~

”Come on, you two, let’s go…” Shiko said, eager to start his search for the demons who killed his parents.

”It’s that girl…she’s taking too long…and those other humans…I don’t…like them very much…” Leo said, robes slung over his face.

”Sorry, Leo! I just have to make sure we have enough rations for our journey!” Zeena said, bringing a caravan full of food and gold.

”Ah, so that’s what the village leader did with my payment…wonderful…” Shiko said.

”Let’s go!” Zeena said, whipping the horses that pulled the caravan. With that, the three begun their journey…

Meanwhile…

”Sir! Sir! I have terrible news!” Ezko entered Drake’s throne room, and kneeled to him, paying respects to his master.

”Hmm…What is it, Ezko?” Drake asked.

”It’s Leonardo! He’s still alive!” Ezko answered.

”WHAT?!” Drake said, standing up.

”Make no mistake about it, sir…We saw Leo among a crowd of humans near the village that was close to Alachi’s old castle.”

”Damn it.” Drake said. “Well, I can’t deal with him now, I need to plan my attacks on them both. Until them, we’ll have a little fun with the demons, shall we?” Drake said, snickering.

Ezko laughed. “Yes, sir, I shall have the parrot demons recruit some fine fighters for us.”

”Wonderful, Ezko. Good work.” Drake said, sitting down.

”Thank you, my lord…” Ezko said.

”Hmm…I think it would be best if you accompany those birdbrains, Ezko. They could wind up in trouble, and I don’t want them dead. It would hurt my reputation, you see…” Drake said.

”Yes, sir, I understand. Your wish is my command.” Ezko said, leaving his throne room.

”Hmm…Well, now…” Drake said to himself. “…I’ve underestimated that boy…perhaps he’s stronger than I thought…Reminds me of my brother…” Drake shook his head. “Feh, what do I care? He won’t help me, so I’ve decided to kill him, and the little coward went into hiding…Serves the bastard right for not following me…”

After a few days of searching, Ezko and the parrot demons finally found a warrior worthy of being a good opponent for Leo.

”So…” Drake said. “You say that if you can kill him, that you want me to heal you?”

”Yes…” Drake’s client said. “I’ve longed to be healed, and I’m a skilled fighter despite my ailment. From your description, he is a strong fighter, but I think I have the ability to defeat him. I accept.”

”Good, welcome aboard, my friend. What is your name?” Drake asked.

”My name…call me…Zei.”