Cover page:
U.S. Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq
Page 2:
Unkept Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort of Artist Or Something
PITTSBURGH-After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you would see a guy dressed in dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scuffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. I bet he 's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."
Page 4:
Name of the headline: There's No 'My Kid Has Cancer' In Team
Page 5:
Opinions on Hiliary in 2004?:
Rob Coyne, Systems Analyst: "She's got a good shot, as long as no one blows her up, causing her faceplate to fall off revealing the gears and diodes beneath."
Bob Houdel, Cashier: "Would she have female Secret Service agents? Because that would be pretty sexy."
Annette Peterson, Homemaker: "Hillary would make a greawt president. But she'd probably ask her girlfriends for advice, and I just don't trust that Sharon."
Bob Van Eeghen, Lawyer: "No, no-you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for president, that's all." (that is so wrong...but so God damn funny!)
And for those of you short on chat-room lingo, they have an article to show you all the abbreviations on pg 5. And here they are:
LODLSM: Logged On Dressed Like Sailor Moon
XIF: Christ, I'm Fat
DYHTNTMBG?: Did You Hear The New They Might Be Giants?
18/F/NYC: Pockmarked 46 Year Old in a Bath Robe
IHTWBSAP: I Have Trouble With Basic Spelling and Punctuation
NTBUSWAB: Not to Bring Up Star Wars Again, But...
TOMTB: Taking Off My Training Bra
CILYIMBF?: Can I Lock You in My Basement Forever?
HOGMP: Hang On. Getting More Pringles
WSTS: Weeping Silently To Self.
And they got Horoscopes on page 16:
AQUARIUS: You will recieve a formal letter from Johnny Cash stating, in no certain terms, that he is very disappointed in you.
(I just like this one) PISCES: Remeber: Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.
I love the Onion! Best newspaper (if you can call it that...and not to mentino free) to read while downtown!
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