Fanfic in progress. Please comment.
Here is chapter one so far of a Phantasy Star Universe fanfic. The events of this game occur one month after the events of Phantasy Star Portable.
Please feel free to tear it a new a-hole. I'm trying to improve as a writer and I will not learn unless you are brutally honest with me. I'm planning to rewrite it entirely because a surge of inspiration and the amount of possibilities for this fic is endless.
Any tips on making the dialogue between the two characters less awkward? Because that is how I'm reading it so far.
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Chapter I: Replica
The sands of Moatoob were endless, but Vivienne and I rode on. Parched lips caught grit mixed in with our remaining water. What was left would not wash the bitter taste of insects from this morning's meal away. I would have got off and killed one of them for food, but due to Vivienne’s soft spot for small animals I refused. The torrid heat, the feel of my coat drenched in sweat clinging to my back, made the journey all the more unpleasant. I listened to the fluttering shift of feasting birds. I rode on as the rogues instructed me to do, feeling the numbness in my legs as we hurried towards the Illuminus facility.
Everyone thought the Illuminus was just a well-funded human supremacy group, about as harmless as the CAST supremacists on Parum. They shook the GUARDIANS to the core when Helga, an Illuminus loyalist, began injecting the SEED into Beasts and just about released the sealed SEED into the Gurhal system. When Vivienne and I were discharged from the GUARDIANS and branded as traitors, I felt pissed beyond belief. Vivienne worked her heart and soul for the GUARDIANS. It didn’t matter to me if she was a Copy CAST, nor do I care if she was constructed to be an Illuminus spy. That isn’t who she is now. Hell, that wasn’t who she was when I first met her.
“I still can’t believe we were discharged. I mean, I was basically told, ‘Hey thanks for saving the world, rookie! But since your partner was an unwilling patsy for Helga's scheme, we have to discharge her and declare her a traitor to the galaxy. And since you refused to abandon her, we have to do the same to you. Sorry!’”
“There’s nothing we can do about it now, Sorlin. All we can do now is look towards the future,” she said calmly.
“You’re taking being branded a traitor to the galaxy a little too well, Vivienne,” I said. “I admit I’m impressed with the quality of rogue intelligence. They knew the planet like they knew the back of their own hand, even the idiot brothers.”
“Would you stop calling them idiots?” she said. “Do is a skilled mechanic. Without him, I’d be behind my routine maintenance on my body.”
“So what if one of them can fix you up? Doesn’t make them less of a bunch of idiots,” I said.
“Oh Sorlin…” she said.
“How much farther to the coordinates?” I opened my cracked lips and spoke.
“At least 13.67 miles from our current location,” Vivienne said. I often wondered if CASTs had built in compasses that tell you how many miles you were from your destination. I guess my theory is correct. “Should we take a break? You look sick. I told you that you shouldn’t have eaten those insects.”
“We need food and water for the trip back. We could probably ransack the facility once we clear it out for food and water. It’s an Illuminus facility. They wouldn’t starve their own men.”
“Correction: you need food and water for the trip back,” she replied. “Just promise me you’ll never do something stupid like that again. If something we’re to happen to you, I-“ she said.
I rode my mount side by side to hers and placed my hand on her shoulder. I gazed into her eyes. “I’ll never leave you. I promise you this, Vivienne.”
She smiled. Not one of those fake smiles like CASTs usually have, but a real smile. Vivienne always was a strange one.
“Why’re you smiling?” I said with an inspired grin.
“You never really talked much during our time with the GUARDIANS. It’s just nice to hear your lovely voice is all,” she said. I felt a sudden jolt as blood rushing to my cheeks. “Oh! Did I say something strange?”
“W-what? No, it’s not like that, Vivienne,” I stammered on, feeling a coppery taste in my mouth.
“Are you getting a sunburn? How long has it been since you last applied sunscreen? You remarked before we embarked on our journey that you, and I quote, burn like a Roman candle.”
“I-I’m telling you it’s not like that. I’m not getting a sunburn,” I shouted.
“Then the only other logical conclusion is that you were blushing,” she said.
“Since organics only blush when they are feeling embarrassed or is drinking or is sexually aroused, my question is this: why were you embarrassed?”
“W-where did you learn that!?”
“Learn what? That people blush?”
“No, that people blush when they were sexually aroused. What did they teach you during CAST basic education?”
“I’m not a child. I was just browsing some articles on the Ethernet and I came across one on blushing.”
“Why?”
“To learn more about the subtleties of human emotions,” she said.
I paused for a moment. “Just give me the sunscreen, Vivienne.”
“Were you…aroused?”
“No! I mean, just…why? Why would I be aroused by what you said?”
“What I said?”
“My voice. You said you thought it was nice to hear my, err... voice.”
“Why are you embarrassed about that?”
“It’s just that…I…We…J-just give me that sunscreen already!”
Vivienne hopped off her mount, reached inside her bag, and pulled out my sunscreen. It’s a miracle I haven’t burned yet given my skin burns so easily.
When I reached for the sunscreen, Vivienne suddenly pulled it away.
“Real funny. Now hand it over,” I said. I reached for it only for her to pull it away again.
“Not until you calm down and apologize,” she said with a smile.
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And that's it so far. I'll post the progress here if that is okay with you guys.
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Originally Posted by Seth Astra
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