Snowy (revision 03/05/16)

[Anduril]

Okay, here's are slightly revised version. I hope it addresses some of the concerns people had. Further feedback and criticism appreciated.

EDIT: Saw a minor change I needed to make.

Spoiler!

You wake up with a pounding headache, your vision blurry as the snowstorm swirls around you. The last thing you remember is searching for insect fossils in the Tundra along with your best friend, there was a loud rumbling, and then… then… you’re not really sure what happened next.
You suddenly freeze. Your best friend. Charlotte. You were with Charlotte. Frantically you survey your surroundings, but you can’t see her anywhere. Every direction, just the endless, swirling white. You try your radio, but all you get is static.
“Char!” you scream at the top of your lungs. “Charlotte! Where are you?!” Unfortunately, the flurry of ice and snow drowns out your cries.
There’s just so much snow.

----

“Wow! Looks jus’like snow.” You know exactly what the hand suddenly touching the back of your head is talking about. Seems like things at the Academy will be just like back home.
All your life, you’ve had to deal with people pointing out how pale you hair is, made all the more obvious by your grey ears sticking out of it.
While everyone always says that you look just like your mother, a delicate Newman with fair features and golden hair, you have, strangely enough, inherited your Deuman father’s coloration. Needless to say, you tend to stick out like a sore thumb.
“Umm… excuse me, can you please stop that?” you meekly say as your unknown “assailant” jostles your hair back and forth. “You’re making me a bit dizzy.”
“Woops! Sorry‘boutthat, Snowy,” the voice behind you says. As you turn around and start to stand, you see it belongs to a Deuman girl. With a massive grin and an outstretched hand, she continues, “Guess Sis an’ Erin are right, I tend t’be too friendly. Name’s Charlotte.”
You’re a bit annoyed, but she doesn’t seem to mean any harm. You take her hand, and with a polite smile introduce yourself, “Ophelia. My name’s Ophelia.”
Pulling you the rest of the way up, without a moment’s hesitation she responds, “Nice t’meetya, Snowy.”

-----

You always hate when she calls you Snowy, but right now, you would give anything to hear that stupid nickname.
Even though your radio is down, you hope that your other gear is still functional.
No such luck. “Great, navigation systems aren’t working either,” you mumble to yourself.
You realize that standing around yelling won’t accomplish anything, so you start walking in what you think is the direction of your telepipe. You can only hope that Charlotte had the same idea.
While your natural Photon affinity keeps you from suffering too many negative effects in this blizzard, the biting cold is starting to get to you just the same. Moving forward, you push your growing anxiety to the back of your mind.
“Stay calm. Remember your training,” you murmur, trying to reassure yourself.

----

You and Charlotte end up being partners during most of your time at the Academy. While you joined ARKS to be a field medic like your parents, she doesn’t seem to have any particular goal aside from getting to go to new planets and seeing all there is to see.
“Sis joined up a couple years ago, and after hearing her stories, I knew I couldn’t jus’stay at home.”
You find it a bit difficult to get used to her at first. She’s always talking about “Sis” and “Erin” like you know who they are, slurring words together like she can’t say them fast enough, and messing up your hair whenever she gets close enough. The worst thing is that no matter how many times you tell her not to, she keeps calling you Snowy; sometimes you wonder if she even remembers what your name actually is.
However, after your first couple of months training together, you come to realize how easily you work in sync; she’s a crack shot with a rifle (apparently thanks to “Erin”), and you provide support through your Techs. You have to admit, over time you start to find that her annoying habits help to brighten your mood after a long day of training.
By the time you graduate the Academy, the two of you are inseparable. As full-fledged ARKS members, rarely do you go out into the field without each other. Most missions you take are simple extermination orders, and others, like today, are research and collection requests.

----

You try to collect your thoughts. You’ve been walking for what seems like hours.
The storm has been slowly dying down as you trek through the snow, though you still can’t seem to get a stable signal on your radio. Just a few broken messages you can’t quite understand. Something about arms? It sounds urgent, but your main concern is finding Charlotte.
Suddenly, you hear a familiar voice echoing through the canyons. “OPHEEEEEEELIIIIIAAAAAAA!” Hearing your name, the tears start to well up in your eyes. “CANYAHEARMESNOWY?!”
The snow is almost completely gone now, and although it is getting dark, you can easily tell what direction the call is coming from. Without hesitation, you take off running toward it.
You round a corner and are able to make out a figure just a few hundred yards away.
You stop and yell with all your might, “Char! I’m over here! Char!”
She turns around and after a moment of recognition, you both start running toward each other, stopping short when you notice a chasm between you. You can figure a way across later, but for now you are just happy to see one another alive.
She looks beat up and exhausted, but then again, you probably don’t look much better. Alarmingly, you notice her holding her left arm.
“What happened to your arm? Are you okay? Is it hurting?” you ask with panic in your voice.
With a wince and a forced grin she replies, “Was stinging real bad when I woke up. Must’ve hurtit when I passed out. Don’t worry ‘boutit too much.”
How dare she tell you not to worry? In the sternest voice you can muster, you start, “I’m going to take a look at it when I get across. I need to make sure it’s not broken. This isn’t something you can take lightly.” Like a wave, the pent up frustrations from the past few hours rush out. “You always act like this and you’re always so carefree about dangerous stuff and what would I do if something happened to you and what would I tell your sister and…”
“Fine, whatever,” she interrupts with a soft chuckle. “You can yell at me sa’more while you checkit out, but first you gotta get over here.”
It’s frustrating knowing she’s right, and that stupid smile makes it worse. You try to calm down and start walking around the edges of the chasm. Wiping the tears from your eyes, you decide that once you make sure she’s fine, you’re going to punch her.
To your relief, the snow has stopped and the clouds are starting to thin. You are able to find a ledge along the chasm just large enough for you to shimmy across. As you find a handhold and begin to cross, your radio starts crackling again.
“….mmence … ase Two... ack and st… …ark Falz while it’s weakened!”
Looking up, you are filled with a sense of wonder and dread; a field of debris and bright lights litter the now visible night sky. It slowly dawns on you what the rumbling had been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Original Post:

Spoiler!

It's been a very, very long time since I've tried any form of creative writing, but I've been reading a lot of short stories lately, so I figured I would give it crack. I will admit, the style is a bit derivative of some of the authors I've been reading, heavily borrowing the structure of Dennis Lehane's "Until Gwen" in particular. That said, I hope you enjoy it, and, of course, feedback and criticism are appreciated.

Spoiler!

You wake up with a pounding headache, your vision blurry as the snowstorm swirls around you. The last thing you remember is searching for insect fossils in the Tundra along with your best friend, there was a loud rumbling, and then… then… you’re not really sure what happened next.
You suddenly freeze. Your best friend. Charlotte. You were with Charlotte. Frantically you survey your surroundings, but you can’t see her anywhere. Every direction, just the endless, swirling white. You try your radio, but all you get is static.
“Char!” you scream at the top of your lungs. “Charlotte! Where are you?!” Unfortunately, the flurry of ice and snow around you drowns out the sound your cries.
So much snow.

----

“Wow! Looks jus’like snow.” You know exactly what the hand suddenly touching the back of your head is talking about. Seems like things at the academy will be just like back home.
All your life, you had to deal with people pointing out how pale you hair was, made all the more obvious by your grey ears sticking out of it.
While everyone always said that you looked just like your mother, a delicate Newman with fair features and golden hair, you had, strangely enough, inherited your Deuman father’s coloration. Needless to say, you tended to stick out like a sore thumb.
“Umm… excuse me, can you please stop that?” you meekly say as your unknown “assailant” jostles your hair back and forth. “You’re making me a bit dizzy.”
“Woops! Sorry‘boutthat, Snowy,” the voice behind you says. Turning around and starting to stand, you see it belongs to a Deuman girl, with a massive grin and an outstretched hand, “Guess Sis an’ Erin are right, I tend t’be too friendly. Name’s Charlotte.”
You’re a bit annoyed, but she doesn’t seem to mean any harm. You take her hand and introduce yourself as she pulls you up, “Ophelia.”

-----

You always hate when she calls you Snowy, but right now, you would give anything to hear that stupid nickname.
Even though your radio is down, you hope that your other gear is still functional.
No such luck. “Great, navigation systems aren’t working either,” you mumble to yourself.
You realize that standing around in this flurry yelling won’t accomplish anything, so you start walking in what you think is the direction of your telepipe. You can only hope that Charlotte had the same idea.
While your natural Photon affinity keeps you from suffering too many negative effects in this blizzard, the biting cold is starting to get to you, all the same.

----

You and Charlotte end up being partners during most of your training. While you joined ARKS to be a field medic (the thought of civilian life just doesn’t appeal to you), she doesn’t seem to have any particular goal aside from getting to go to new planets and seeing all there is to see.
“Sis joined up a couple years ago, and after hearing her stories, I knew I couldn’t jus’stay at home.”
You find a bit difficult to get used to her at first, with her spouting out names like Sis and Erin like you know who they are, slurring words together like they’re trying to get out of her mouth at once, and messing up your hair all the time; however, after your first few training missions together, you realize how easily you work in sync. She’s a crack shot with a rifle (apparently thanks to “Erin”), and you provide support through your Techs.
By the time you graduate the academy, the two of you are inseparable, and always run missions together as full-fledged ARKS members. Most of the time it’s simple extermination orders, and others, like today, are research and collection requests.

----

As you’ve been walking, the storm has slowly cleared up, though you still can’t seem to get a strong signal on your radio, just a few broken messages you can’t quite understand. Something about arms? It sounds urgent, but you are still more worried about Charlotte.
After wandering for what seems like hours, you suddenly hear a familiar voice echoing through the canyons. “OPHELIA!” You start feeling the tears well up in your eyes. “CANYAHEARMESNOWY?!”
The snow is almost completely gone now, and although it is getting dark, you can easily tell what direction the call is coming from. Without hesitation, you take off running toward it.
You round a corner, and are able to make out a figure just a few hundred yards away.
You stop and yell, “Char! I’m over here! Char!”
She turns around and you both start running toward each other, but stop short when you notice a chasm between you. You can figure a way across later, but for now you are just happy to see one another safe.
She looks quite beat up, but you figure that you probably don’t look much better. You notice, however, that she is holding her left arm.
“What happened to your arm? Are you okay?” you ask with panic.
With a wince and a forced grin she says, “Was stinging real bad when I woke up. Probably hurtit when I passed out. Don’t worry ‘boutit too much.”
How dare she tell you not to worry? “I’m going to take a look at it when I get across. I need to make sure it’s not broken. This isn’t something you can take lightly,” you say in your sternest voice.
Charlotte chuckles a bit. “Fine, whatever.”
By now the snow has stopped and the clouds are starting to thin. You starting looking for a way to climb across the chasm, when your radio starts crackling.
“….mmence … ase Two... ack and st… …ark Falz while it’s weakened!”
As you both look up, you see the debris and bright lights littering the night sky, and start to understand what that rumbling was.

[strikerhunter]

I like what I read, but can't tell if it is from a first person or 3rd person or something similar to that one game on steam that I can't the name for my life (the one that narrates your actions).

-However, what I felt that I had to point was a lack of introduction on setting/location/plot/etc. in the first paragraph. But the followup helped.
-I also find it very awkward reading a lot "You"s.
-Feels like a dairy or recall events, but awkward because of the amount "You"s.
-Latter half (where it starts to mention Charlotte) needs a proper transition from upper half because what I simply read was Ophelia waking you up and suddenly Charlotte, etc. is mention with no further mention of Ophelia which leads to me thinking this part is in the "past?".

[yoshiblue]

Ah yeah, more writers. Coming out with that second person point of view.

When I first started reading it, I kind of expected it to turn into a choose your own adventure chapter, since those kinds of stories love the second person narrations. The way it turned out was cool too though. I like how you separated the story by what you wanted the reader to know; Intro, Character, The Why/Connection, The Conclusion. The ending is also pretty neat, but I wonder if it was neat because I play the game and get the hint/reference. Overall, the story is pretty unique.

[PhotonDrop]

That was a cute story. It feels like it was merely an introduction for something more, but I'm greedy.

[fighgunners]

I'm a sucker for second person stories. Was quite interesting, I'd just suggest a second review for grammar. Interested to see if there is more.

[Zorafim]

Welp, everyone already said what I was going to say. The second person view makes for a unique feeling. Certainly much more personable than what I'm used to reading. I prefer being more detached from my characters, but this format made it easier and less awkward to introduce the character and get a feel for his personality and emotions.

I kinda like the format you used for your background. The sudden introduction made us as confused and disoriented as the protagonist, and the sudden flashbacks allowed us to get more comfortable with the situation around the same time the protagonist would. I think that worked pretty well, though it would probably have worked better in a longer piece.

[Anduril]

Thank you all for the feedback. Response time.

@yoshiblue: Reading "Until Gwen" gave me that same impression at first, and that was really the catalyst for this story. I wanted to see if I could write something using that style and have it make sense; it was actually a bit more challenging than I expected. As to the allusion thrown in there near the end, I do imagine it would fall flat with someone who has not played the game, but it served as a focal point for me as I wrote.

@fighgunners: Yeah, this was a single draft I wrote in a couple of hours; I definitely saw some awkward phrasing and misplaced punctuation when I read it over after I had posted. Like I said, it's been a long time since I've tried any creative writing (well over a decade at this point), so it was one of those things where I thought, "If I don't post this now, I'll lose my nerve." I'll most likely give it a couple more passes to fine-tune it.

@PhotonDrop & fighgunners: For now, I'm probably going to keep this as a one-off thing.

@Zorafim: Yeah, the style does actually lend quite well to longer stories, but my intention with moving back and forth was to allow for the passage of time between "present" scenes without having to directly address it. Basically, it was a bit of a cover for not being good with transitions.

@strikerhunter: As the others have mentioned, it is a second person perspective, most popularly used in the "choose your own adventure" format. Speaking to the structure, as someone who has spent the greater part of their life studying various forms of literature and theater, I have a natural fondness for works that start in media res, but I see how it can seem confusing. The basic chronology of the piece is present, past, present, past, present, and there are only two characters: Charlotte and Ophelia (aka "You"), who Charlotte nicknamed Snowy. Some of the awkward phrasing I mentioned includes the line where we first receive Ophelia's name, so I'll try to make that clearer when I get to the revisions.

[strikerhunter]

@strikerhunter: As the others have mentioned, it is a second person perspective, most popularly used in the "choose your own adventure" format. Speaking to the structure, as someone who has spent the greater part of their life studying various forms of literature and theater, I have a natural fondness for works that start in media res, but I see how it can seem confusing. The basic chronology of the piece is present, past, present, past, present, and there are only two characters: Charlotte and Ophelia (aka "You"), who Charlotte nicknamed Snowy. Some of the awkward phrasing I mentioned includes the line where we first receive Ophelia's name, so I'll try to make that clearer when I get to the revisions.

Yea it took about 3 or 4 times rereading to fully understand it was a 2nd person (because I'm a total sucker for 3rd and 1st POVs). With that taking in, I still say it was a interesting read because you did the confusion good as mentioned by others above. It was the type of confusion that makes you wonder what's happening instead of the "huh?".

I await to see more.

[fighgunners]

Ah; a shame. Well, I still look forward to more of your work if you decide to create and upload it.

[Zorafim]

I suck at transitions too. I used to limit my stories to one scene to cover that (said scene being anywhere between 200-2000 words), but I think I'm starting to get better at ending one scene and moving to another. Maybe?