On 2004-02-02 20:21, Eihwaz wrote:
Comrades! Read my most excellent and loaded (with words and BS...sort of) essay! It's kind of retarded, I know, but still. Tres amusant, non?
?Be A Hero?Save The Pants!?
Hello there, my fellow saviors of slacks and sweatpants! Recently, there has been an increase in the frequency of pants burning, any fool with half a brain can tell you that much. However, not everyone knows the true cause of these horrible, amoral, and disgusting crimes is none other than the secret DTPA, the Death to Pants Association. This cruel and twisted organization?s foul agenda is very simple: destroy all pants. If you truly stand for the American dream, than you are certainly sickened by these villainous acts. But, what?s a normal person to do? That?s why I?m here, my fellow defenders of pants. You can help in the effort to stop the evil machinations by joining the A-DTPA! The Anti-Death to Pants Association!
Should you be one of the miss-led individuals who think that the DTPA is doing good for the world, then you must be a flag-burning Communist scumbag! The A-DTPA is the one and only organization that actually does any good for the world. Sure, the Department of Agriculture manages such trifles as farms and the national food supply, but the A-DPTA does the really important stuff! We work tirelessly to save innocent pants from the death-bringing and destructive hands of the DTPA. Not only do we save these sweet, cozy, and warm garments from an agonizing death in flames, but at the same time we stop pollution as well! As any nimrod can tell you, the DTPA?s insidious pants-burning factories cause 97.33% of the world?s pollution. If you are one of the miss-guided souls who supports the DTPA, then you support the very thing America DOES NOT stand for: famine, plague, democracy, and justice! Actually, if you even think of supporting the DTPA, then you MUST be a deceptive, sneaky, and demonic traitorous insurgent, sent by the DTPA to destroy the American way!
Fellow paladins of pantaloons! It would be very foolish, indeed, to NOT support the A-DTPA, and all the glorious and patriotic things it stands for! The A-DTPA uses it?s vast supply of riches (made from selling sweatpants to under-privileged children) for a massive variety of good causes! And, when we do so, we make sure to checks made only from the finest biodegradable material - because we care! If you were to fail in your support of the A-DTPA, many ungodly and depraved acts would occur. The least of which being a world takeover by the DTPA and it?s vast illegal nuclear arsenal! (See, they don?t care about NATO or the UN, or ANYTHING!) After their subversion of the nations of the world, all the children would be forced to work in despicable pants-burning factories! HOW HORRIFYING AND NAUSEATING! Oh, my fellow saviors of slacks, if this was only the worst?the most degrading horrors from the DTPA?s rise to power would be the ultimate crime against humanity?the entire population of the world would be forced by law (and pain of death, naturally) to wear?SHORT SHORTS, IN BRIGHT/TACKY NEON COLORS!! If you don?t support the A-DTPA?s noble war, this is what will most certainly come to pass.
And after all, pants are a critically important facet of our existence. If the DTPA were to come to power, fuzzy and lovable sweatpants, slacks, jeans, and pants would cease to exist! That POWERFUL IMAGE should be enough for most mindless peons to join or at least offer blind devotion to the A-DTPA. Another image I can summon is one that?s not so glorious and ecstatic. Imagine, if you will, a gray future where everyone lives miserably, in tiny government issue apartments, wearing nothing but a gray shirt and tacky orange/purple hot-pants. Your children are sent to the factories, and instead of learning useful things (like how wonderful the A-DTPA really is), they are forced to burn pants all day longs, for little or no pay! That?s horrible, isn?t it? Now, try to imagine a pair of luxurious and baggy sweatpants, so warm and cozy?Let me ask you this: who DOESN?T like something like that? Godless scoundrels, like the DTPA, that?s who!
In closing, my fellow heroes of hip-huggers, the A-DTPA is the ONLY association which should garner your support! Without our tireless efforts to contain the evil DTPA, America?nay, the entire WORLD would be reduced to a pants-free, hellish nightmare! Don?t be the only person to NOT support the A-DTPA! Support/join us in the fight to free oppressed pants everywhere! Join the Anti-Death to Pants Association?be a hero! SAVE THE PANTS!
Wow, that's a lot of writing. At least it's not doublespaced...
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