Doctor's Office

[-Z]

I've been tired the last couple of weeks. I have fans of my writing that I'm letting down.

I'd like to do an abdominal X-Ray. I believe your colon may have twisted upon itself and now excrement is backing up into your fingers and brain. This condition actually effects many writers. Politicians, too.

In the meantime, I'll prescribe you Sildenafil; you won't be letting anyone down after that!

Alternatively, you could try typing with your toes, where the stool hasn't accumulated yet.

Next patient?

[Anduril]

The sun makes me recoil, and the sound of frolicking children and teenagers hurts my ears. Please help me.

[-Z]

The sun makes me recoil, and the sound of frolicking children and teenagers hurts my ears. Please help me.

I'd like to issue a pregnancy test. All of your skin's natural SPF(tm) is being directed to the fetus, and the sounds of children that you hear are actually the fetus itself whispering to you. Amniotic fluid has tremendously good acoustics, as it turns out.

I'll also prescribe you a dueling sabre, as your child may come to challenge you for dominance.

Anyone else in the waiting room?

[Anduril]

I'd like to issue a pregnancy test. All of your skin's natural SPF(tm) is being directed to the fetus, and the sounds of children that you hear are actually the fetus itself whispering to you. Amniotic fluid has tremendously good acoustics, as it turns out.

I'll also prescribe you a dueling sabre, as your child may come to challenge you for dominance.

Anyone else in the waiting room?

Wait, does this mean I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger? If that's the case, I don't think I'll need the sabre.

[PhotonDrop]

Yes yes, thank you for your patience, please come in.



Oh.

Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry- you've fallen to a serious condition. With your permission, my medical advice is immediate admission to a critical care unit- where you'll be provided intravenous fluids, morphine, and dialysis. We also have hospice services available, if you prefer.

I'm very sorry, again. How's your insurance, by the way?


Next in line, please!

Just kill me now.

[Sord]

Would you prefer lethal injection, decapitation, or gun?

[PhotonDrop]

Are those my only options? They're all so boring.

[Sord]

Are those my only options? They're all so boring.

Well gee, sor-ry not all us hospitals can afford the best in creative deaths. Some of us operate on rather small budgets, ya know :<

[PhotonDrop]

Surely you have a pit of vipers around here somewhere? Or a deadly laser? Perhaps some swinging log traps?

[Sord]

We could perhaps have you swallow several small metal balls then run you through an MRI so the spheres just bust out of you...