People with deformities.

[Tessu]

I've discussed this with a few friends before, and now I want your opinion, PSOW!

Okay, well, I have a very large phobia of people with grotesque deformities. Giant tumors growing from their nose, boils the size of kittens all over their body, fingers growing from their elbows, you name it. Sometimes, even people missing arms and legs frighten me if I see the ends that are usually scabbed or something like that.

I'm not sure if this makes me shallow or not. After all, fear doesn't differentiate between people. As much as I would love it to, my subconscious does not say "Well, this is a nice person and you love them, so everything's okay". I'm sure that's a natural reaction, but then I think about this situation- what if one day I have a husband who gets badly burned on his face? I'd never be able to look at him again. Ever. I just couldn't help it. Sure, I'd still love him, and I wouldn't treat him differently or anything.. but I just couldn't look at him. I can't imagine how that'd make him feel. Of course, it's just a hypothetical situation. I really hope nothing like that ever happens to me :\

Anyway, on to an actual story.

tl;dr: Fuck off.

About a month and a half earlier I graduated from high school. The day of the graduation ceremony my mom and I were out at the mall, doing normal graduation stuff--getting my hair done, getting me a purdy dress, etc. At some point my mom wanted to stop by the accessories place, so I just kinda stood in front of a mirror and examined myself like any other young lady would do. I eventually saw my mom at the check-out counter. She was there for a pretty long time, and after getting bored with the mirror, I went over to stand next to her, and...
.. I didn't quite notice, but the lady that was working at the counter had bumps all over her body. They looked like boils or bubbles, I couldn't look at them long enough to really explain. But they were bumps, all over her shoulders, arms, neck, chest; of all shapes and sizes. There were even a few on her face, though those weren't that bad. Instinctively, I was frightened by her. I didn't show any outward signs of it, though. I just made sure I would look her only in the eye, and never, ever glance down at her chest or anything. And she was a really nice lady. VERY friendly and outgoing.
While we were walking away, I turned to my mom and said "Why did she-" and my mom quickly answered "I don't know." while briskly walking ahead of me. We discussed it in the car for a bit.

Fastforward, a few weeks later. We go back to the same mall, same place, Nordstrom. I'm with my grandma this time. And I knew that lady worked there, so I was very attentive at all times for fear of spotting her. And then, I saw her, at a distance, putting something on a shelf. I grabbed my grandma by the arm and said "We need to leave, now." And she gave me a concerned look and said, "Why?" and I said "I'll tell you in the car." But unless we did a crazy maneuver around the place, we'd have to pass by her to exit. And we did, and she recognized me, and I recognized her and glanced at her and smiled like I would with any other person. And she said, "How did the graduation go?" and I said "Oh, I had a lot of fun." and she smiled, and then noticed we were leaving and then waved goodbye and I waved back. Since she was further away this time I couldn't actually see the bumps. I knew they were there, I just couldn't see them. My grandma, on the other hand, could. And she started briskly walking ahead of me the same way my mom did.
Me and her talked about it for a little while. I said "Well, you know, she can't really help it, can she?"
My grandma said, "She could at least wear a turtle neck."

And she was kinda right. The lady who had that disease, whatever it was, wore very skimpy clothing. Short black skirts. Sleeveless tank tops. Fishnet stockings. High heels. She was a very pretty lady. Cute face, perfect figure, long legs, straight teeth... and I could understand why she'd want to flaunt it and all, but, well, there was a minor flaw. :s
Then I said, "Yeah. But still, she's really nice."

Then my grandmother (who was a psychology major growing up) told me that she was actually exhibiting vicious behavior by wearing flashy clothing because she should very well know that whatever she has is horrifying.

My grandma's a little neurotic (as most psychology majors are ) so I'm not sure how valid her opinions are.. so I'd like to know what you all think.

Am I a terrible person for never wanting to visit that Nordstrom again until I'm sure she doesn't work there? Or am I just a normal human being for being so scared of the whole idea?

YOU DECIDE

[Aisha379]

You know my opinion on this, Tess, but I shall restate it:

Am I a terrible person for never wanting to visit that Nordstrom again until I'm sure she doesn't work there?

Yes.

Or am I just a normal human being for being so scared of the whole idea?

No.


The only logical reasons to be truly SCARED of someone like that, are:

1. if you are a small child

2. if you believe whatever they have may be contagious


Otherwise, all you're doing is simply making them feel like freaks, which I'm sure they get enough of already.


I can understand the awkwardness of "Do I look at her boils? But if I do she might take offense...but if I try to purposefully avoid looking at them, is that just as bad?" kinda mindset bit, since it can be a bit confusing and different "victims" of things like that have different feelings on it.


But being genuinely scared of someone like that is just childish at your age =|


EDIT:

Oh, and I find it particularly important to go into this again:

Me and her talked about it for a little while. I said "Well, you know, she can't really help it, can she?"
My grandma said, "She could at least wear a turtle neck."

And she was kinda right. The lady who had that disease, whatever it was, wore very skimpy clothing. Short black skirts. Sleeveless tank tops. Fishnet stockings. High heels. She was a very pretty lady. Cute face, perfect figure, long legs, straight teeth... and I could understand why she'd want to flaunt it and all, but, well, there was a minor flaw. :s
Then I said, "Yeah. But still, she's really nice."

Like I said to you again on MSN, this is a lady who has some sort of condition, whatever it is, and has been able to overcome situations which have no doubt lowered her self esteem at some points, to feel comfortable in her body.


I am sorry, Tess, you know I mean no offense to you or your family, but this just pisses me off. Now I'm against wearing insanely skin-showy clothes just for the hell of it, but suggesting someone like that NEEDS to cover herself up SOLELY because of her skin condition?...


Thats just...argh...

[Tessu]

Well, it's not like I treat them accordingly. I don't give them dirty looks, I don't stare at whatever's wrong with them, I don't openly act like I'm trying to avoid them.
I do have a lot of childish fears, I still run like a kid at the sight of spiders and such, but I believe I'm not entirely responsible for things like that. I can easily control my actions, which I do, but controlling my emotions is a harder deal. I've been braver about it lately, but I'm not going to completely get over it overnight.


Well, I said my grandma was a little neurotic.

[Aisha379]

Its good you've improved on that fear, at least.

Just keep in mind, this is not like a fear of spiders or snakes (which, admittedly, I am not particularly fond of...>_>), but this is a person.

And, whether you think you are or not, I am quite sure people like that can pick up on your fear.

Just keep working on it, I guess...

[ABDUR101]

The best answer to this; is to put yourself in that ladies shoes.

Say you were a genuinely nice person, you were kind and gentle to every stranger you met, and you even remembered little details in conversation(and when you saw that girl again, you asked her how her graduation went), you have a really nice body, you've kept yourself in shape; and you just have this deformity. It's there, thats all there is to it.

Would you be upset, if for all your kindness; people did'nt see any of it, all they saw was your deformity and not the kind person infront of them? How would you feel if for all your efforts to be open, considerate and kind to everyone you worked with in retail, it all went ignored because someone could'nt look past something as petty as the bumps that you have to live with.

To her, they're a part of her body, she had to come to terms with them and that she'd have them forever. Imagine the strength THAT took in today's society where regular women feel inadequate for being 5-10lbs overweight. Aside from the deformities, even you admit she has a nice body, takes good care of herself and dresses nice.

I think in the end, you're the one with the issue. You can't blame the woman who has the deformity, no more than someone can blame you for having the eye color you do.

I beleive Eihwaz made a topic very much on this; people aren't used to having to deal with others who are dramatically different from themselves. See something you don't like, bam, ignore it and move on and tr not to look back. Sounds like you don't know HOW to deal with people who are different, so your only solution is to outright avoid them. You let me know how you'd feel if people were to do that to you, see you at the far end of a store and make an effort to go as far out around you as possible just to avoid looking at you up-close, and in the back of your mind you know it's because of your deformity.

But then I've worked with all kinds of people with physical issues, people who had lost an eye, prosthetic legs, catheters. Remember, these are people; just like you and me. Treat them like you'd want to be treated if you were in their place, because some day you just might be.

[Tessu]

Abdur, you basically summed up what my mom said--that I should consider how outgoing she has to be to get over this.

And I do treat them like I'd want to be treated. As I stated, I don't completely disregard the fact that she's a sweet woman and whatever she has isn't her fault. But I believe that if she's come to terms with the fact that she has to live with it forever, she'd also have to come to terms with the fact that not everyone wants to see it. I would, if I were in her shoes. And I would make an effort to hide it.
I don't believe she's a bad person for wanting to show everyone her brighter side and all the good things she has, which can't be done without revealing her.. well, whatever it is. But I just don't want to see it. And to be honest... no, I don't really know how to deal with it. I don't have much people experience in the first place, and because I avoid this particular part of things, I have even less in that area.

I don't see it often, so when I do, I don't know what to do other than to act as natural as possible but make a note to avoid the situation in the future.
And really, what else is there to do? I've accepted the fact that people have these things, and I've also accepted that I don't like looking at it, and I've also accepted that it's not their fault so I'm not going to treat them any differently.
I already avoid most people after all, so... ;p

And now I've kinda lost my train of thought, so if any of this confuses people or gives them the impression that I'm terribly terrible, then please point it out so I can explain. <_>

[Aisha379]

And I do treat them like I'd want to be treated.

o rly:

but then I think about this situation- what if one day I have a husband who gets badly burned on his face? I'd never be able to look at him again. Ever. I just couldn't help it. Sure, I'd still love him, and I wouldn't treat him differently or anything..

Am I a terrible person for never wanting to visit that Nordstrom again until I'm sure she doesn't work there?

And then, I saw her, at a distance, putting something on a shelf. I grabbed my grandma by the arm and said "We need to leave, now."

But unless we did a crazy maneuver around the place, we'd have to pass by her to exit

You, my dear friend, are lying to yourself. Either that, or you really want to be treated like absolute shit from people.


You're not going to get over this until you come to reality and realize how much you're hurting these people - and yourself - by acting this way.

I already avoid most people after all, so... ;p

Hmph.

[Tessu]

I guess the difficulty I have with it is that I'm just not used to seeing things out of the norm. I know they're there, but I rarely encounter them. In all 18 years of my life, I've seen, maybe, four people missing a limb, and only one or two that was severely deformed. And I'd never seen a disease like that until now. The worst thing I saw regularly was eczema which my childhood friend had, and it wasn't even that bad.

[Tessu]

o rly:













You, my dear friend, are lying to yourself. Either that, or you really want to be treated like absolute shit from people.


You're not going to get over this until you come to reality and realize how much you're hurting these people - and yourself - by acting this way.




Hmph.

Oh, well, those things. :J In that sense, things would be different. But I said I wasn't open about it to said people, it's just a subconscious thing.

See, by "treating them differently", I meant more along the lines of ... like... speaking to them in a mean tone or something. If I were in their shoes, as long as I didn't openly notice a change in behavior from someone, I wouldn't mind. I can't say for that lady. But I never went up to her and said "I don't like your skin, so I'm going to avoid you now". I never knew her personally, so it's not like she would notice if I ever came around again.

I know I can't really justify the behavior by saying "what she doesn't know can't hurt her", but that's the way I see it.

[Aisha379]

These are people who have had to put up with this for most of their life.

You think they haven't developed the ability to tell when people are treating them oddly? Especially from a girl who has to lean to her grandma and says they need to get out "now"?


Now, maybe its because I've known you for...5 or 6 years...but somehow I find it HIGHLY unlikely you were SOOPER SHNEAKYZ enough to fool her...


You don't seem to get it though. You're still making excuses for yourself D=