The Fall (Chapter 15, 12/22/2011)

[Nicktendonick]

Interesting.
I like this story sofar. This trio of characters plays well off eachother, the action is well written, and it seems like we might find out more about the mysteries surrounding Roderick.

In short, I'm currently enjoying "Currently untitled" and I currently hope to see more.

[McLaughlin]

Sorry for the long delay between updates. I've been studying hard for midterms. They're almost all done though, so I finally had some time to write the next chapter. Hopefully everyone likes it. Comments are appreciated as always.


Chapter 5: Old Friends and New Enemies

Rewinding a bit, as Roderick waves and exits the room, Remi begins preparing to close the wound on Eli's back.

“Are you ready?”

“Just get it over with so we can get out of here.”

“This will take some time,” Remi says, piercing the skin on Eli's back for the first time to start the stitching, “if you begin to feel any discomfort, tell me and I can reapply the anesthetic.”

“Every freaking time they send us underground, something like this happens.”

“Given the precedent, perhaps you should be more aware of your surroundings.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Eli looks menacingly over her shoulder at Remi. As menacing as she can given the situation, anyway.

“The outbreak under the line station, you nearly electrocuted yourself when you jumped down onto the line to avoid some rubble. The last time we were deployed to Granigs Mines you almost froze to death when you used Anga Jabroga on the surface of a lake. When we-”

“Alright, I get it,” Eli interrupts, “how was this time my fault though?”

“You were too occupied with Roderick's safety.”

“What was I supposed to do, let the jarba cleave him in half?”

“We should not have brought him in the first place,” Remi says flatly.

“Is this about Kent? That wasn't our-”

“Yes, it was. We failed, and we nearly failed again today. Against my better judgment I allowed him to come, but clearly it was a mistake.”

“If it weren't for the pup, we might not even be having this conversation!” Eli shoots back angrily.

After a tense minute of silence, Eli says, “it's our job to train him so that doesn't happen again.”

Remi remains quiet, so Eli continues, “besides, he's not as defenseless as you think. You saw how he saved me.”

“And what if he is not so fortunate next time? With no line shield, one blow could be fatal. With no weapon, his combat ability is limited, regardless of his agility.”

“He didn't look too 'limited' when he caved that jarba's skull in,” Eli retorts.

“So how was he going to handle the second one?”

“Does it matter? He- ow!” Eli winces as the needle breaks through her skin.

“I will reapply the anesthetic. We can take a break until it takes effect again,” Remi says, setting her tools on the floor.

“Thanks,” Eli says, turning around to face her friend. “Look, all I'm saying is the best way to make sure he's safe is to keep him with us. If we leave him on the Colony all the time HQ will just send him out with other Guardians. Would you really feel better if he was under the watch of someone like Ben?”

“That would be less than ideal, to say the least,” Remi concedes.

“Exactly,” Eli says, apparently proud she's gotten her point across. “I understand how you feel you know. I'm pretty attached to him already too.”

“Losing arguments to you is not something I am accustomed to. Let us change the subject,” Remi replies, flashing a smirk at Eli.

“All this using my brain's made me pretty exhausted. I think I'm numb enough to continue, just wake me up when you're done.”

Eli lays out the remnants of her flaxo jacket as a makeshift blanket and then lays down on top of it. Once she's comfortable, she closes her eyes, and Remi resumes her work. Outside of Eli's breathing and the occasional white noise from the building itself, Remi is able to work in silence.

It takes her another half hour to finish closing the cut. When she finally finishes she calls Eli's name a few times, raising her voice each time she fails to wake her. After four or five attempts, she gently shakes her, which does the trick.

“Huhwha?” Eli mumbles, looking around to try and remember what was going on before she fell asleep.

“I am finished. Do not make any sudden movements, the stitches are barely holding as it is.”

“Uh huh,” Eli says, wiping some drool from the corner of her mouth, “not a problem. Let's just get out of here.”

“I believe you are forgetting something.”

“Hm?” Eli looks around confused.

“You can walk out topless if you wish, but Roderick was kind enough to leave his jacket for you to wear.”

Eli shrugs, “honestly, you'd probably be more embarrassed than me. You're right though, wouldn't wanna hurt the pup's feelings by ignoring his offer.”

“It seems he is quite modest as well. I imagine it would be difficult for him to finish this mission with one hand obscuring his vision the entire time.”

“Ha! If he's gonna hang out with us he better get over it quick. Help me put this thing on would ya?”

Remi holds up the nobles coat Roderick left behind while Eli gingerly slips her arms into the sleeves. After she's done she notices the coat feels heavy on the left side. Patting herself down reveals a pocket in the lining, which houses the source of the extra weight.

“What the heck is this?” Eli asks, pulling the object out.

“It appears to be a digital picture frame.”

“Why's he carrying this around with him?”

“It must be important to him.”

“Let's see what's on it,” Eli says, beginning a search to find the method of turning the frame on.

“I think that would be ill advised. If Roderick wanted us to know he would have shown us himself.”

“Come on. You said yourself he's a modest guy. He's probably too shy to talk about it.” Remi sighs, but gets drowned out as Eli triumphantly shouts “Aha!”

Pressing a button on the back of the picture frame powers it up and displays, what else, a picture. The image shows a family standing with their backs to a cliff, a raging waterfall behind them. The mother has sandy blonde, shoulder length hair, pale skin with soft features and sky blue eyes. The young girl standing in front of her looks almost identical, with longer hair and fewer wrinkles. The father is a little more tan than his wife, and almost a head taller. His light brown hair is short and messy, his face is well defined, and his eyes are a light shade of green. The boy looks like, well, Eli says it best, “is that the pup?”

“He looks a couple years younger, but the resemblance is striking.”

“The background looks familiar. Where do you think this was taken?”

“It appears to be the Foran Waterfalls,” Remi observes.

“They must have been on vacation then,” Eli says, “they all look really happy.”

“Indeed.”

“I wonder why he never told us about them.”

“I am sure he has his reasons. Put that back and let us get out of here, he has been standing outside for some time,” Remi says. Eli gives her the “do you know something I don't?” look, but complies anyway. She zips up the coat, grabs the shambles of her jacket, and together with Remi, they make for the door. After a few steps though, they stop when they hear the sound of metal hitting metal, and a large piece of said door bounces off the floor and blows past them.

“What the hell was that!?”

==========

“Hello, Roderick. It's been a while.”

“What's going on here, Able? I thought you-”

“Died?” the man interrupts, “how would you know? You ran away so quickly I'm surprised you think you know anything about that day. I forgive you though. Come with me and I'll explain.”

The man known as Able takes a step ahead of his female companion and extends a gloved hand towards Roderick. Roderick has a slight edge in height, but beyond that, he's almost the mirror image of Able. Where Roderick has bright colors though, Able is almost entirely draped in black, from his black nobles coat, down to his black braves ST pants, ending at his black braves sneakers. He maintains the same yellow highlights that Roderick has though, but his irises look lifeless and gray. Even his hair is an extremely dark shade of brown, his bangs hang down just below his eyebrows and the rest of it seems to flare out to the sides, with the back almost coming to a point.

Roderick ignores the advance and remains standing in front of the door, content to remain in a blinking contest. “I'm not going anywhere with you.”

“Why not?”

“We weren't exactly on the best of terms before you die-... disappeared.”

“Oh come on, you're still sore about that?”

“I've mov-” Roderick pauses to reconsider his wording, “I've made new friends, and I'm leaving this place with them.”

“Oh, that's rich!” Able laughs, “you don't know anything about those two.”

“I know they're the first people to even pretend to like me in a long time.”

“They must not know you too well either then. Look, we've got permission to use force to bring you back. It'll be easier on everybody if you just cooperate.”

“No,” Roderick says defiantly.

“Always the stubborn one,” Able sighs, calling out a wand similar to the one Roderick saw Remi use. “It looks like we're doing this the hard way, Helga.”

The photons inside the Tesbra's cage change from a rich purple to a bright red, and with one flick of the wrist, Able sends a sizable fireball hurtling towards Roderick. He scrambles out of the way as it sails by, singeing the air as it does, before impacting the door behind him and blowing part of it clean out of the frame. Being so occupied with the Foie he just avoided, Roderick fails to notice the woman approach from behind him, and when he turns back to face Able, she greets him with a fist to the stomach. She puts so much force into the blow that it lifts him off his feet and carries him through the hole in the door and back into the room Remi and Eli are in.

==========

“What the hell was that!?”

Before Remi can answer something else flies out of the hallway, landing hard on the floor and sliding a few feet further.

“Pup!”

Roderick coughs hard as he slowly rises to his feet. He wobbles for a second, but one he realizes where he is he immediate throws a hand over his eyes and shouts, “I'm not looking, I promise!”

[Broken_L_button]

Yay! A new chapter! And, once again, a lovely read. Keep it up!

[McLaughlin]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm still not too confident in my writing, but nobody's come out and said I suck yet so that's a good sign. Perhaps they're just afraid of posting and being spotted in Fan Works. :P

Tentatively, I should be able to get the next chapter up tonight or Friday.

[Sord]

This is... really not to bad at all. Your dialogue in particular is admittedly pretty damn good as far as what's actually said. But you are right about your descriptions when you said "I have difficulty being descriptive enough to create the proper image without feeling like I'm pausing the narrative to describe somebody new in one giant paragraph." At times in the first three posts, it felt like suddenly the narration left the story and we were merely being described the scene, and then the writing went back to the actual story. It was like reading a screenplay. It would probably be a great help to describe things directly from a character's perspective as opposed to the omnipotent narrative view that you typically took on in the first two.

You also had a heavy lack of transition between all the descriptions, making it feel like a police report. Furthermore, don't feel the need to describe everything in one big block of text, you can space things out, this especially goes for character descriptions. For example, if Roderick were to be introduced again, initially just stick to general but still important things about him. A good example would be his tall (and I'm assuming lean) stature, as agility is a primary focus of his. Then later, when he bumps into Remi and Eli, you would have them look at him, and describe additional details about him from their perspective. You can also do it when interacting with the environment. You actually did a great example of this when you brought up Eli's yellow flaxo jacket in the first chapter. You revealed it's existence, we know it's skimpy, yellow, and goes with her equally skimpy shorts (and the brand name is in there as well, though it does not help me personally since I haven't played PSU in ages.) And you described this while writing a fluid dialogue interaction that did a good job of revealing both Remi's and Eli's personalities as well as alluding to their fighting styles.

But then you get to Roderick dressing: it's a big block of mostly mundane text. His actions are narrated blandly even if precisely, and for all that text we learn Roderick has a basic morning routine like every one else (dull,) he has an apartment (dull,) cares enough about what he wears to match his clothes (not as dull, at least it could be a quirk, the clothes descriptions themselves are also fine but could have been described in detail elsewhere,) green is his favorite color (nice info but, doesn't really tell us anything about him personally,) hair color and style (good, but could be easily placed outside a wall of text, though now we do know he doesn't like to manage long hair,) he has a picture of something important (good,) and a rough idea of his apartment's layout (that's ok but... is the story really going to be in the apartment a lot in the first place?)

I would like to say there is one type of instance where that type of precise (even if somewhat routine or bland sounding) description really shines, and that's in fight scenes. Your latest couple bits being the prime example (though admittedly your descriptions flow considerably better in general in the last two, even if they might be shorter.) Fights are very fast things and outcomes are based on very specific movements. If the description isn't rigid it can be hard to tell just what is going on or we will only be left with a general idea (though sometimes that isn't a bad thing, "flurry of punches" could easily be viewed as a better description by some people rather than each and every jab or hook a character happens to throw in a row being intimately described.)

Oh, one other thing, environmental details, you seem to have a serious lack of those, focusing far more on dialogue. I would like to see more environmental description, preferably from a character's perspective. There's something I don't like about some of them, and I can't really pinpoint what it is exactly. The best I can do is compare what I would write vs what you would write. If you're interested here's a lil bit.

Here's yours:

As they step off the shuttle, Roderick has a look at his surroundings. The city of Tarcus is the capital of Parum, and its Cast heritage shows in the architecture. Every structure looks as though it has a purpose. Giant skyscrapers reach up into the clouds, entire walls are made out of glass, smaller buildings are built side by side with no space between them, and the city looks almost monochromatic, nearly everything some shade of gray; there's barely any color, and no street lights anywhere. What Roderick finds most interesting though is the distinct metal smell the air has.

If it were me, it would probably come out something like this:

Stepping off the shuttle at Tarcus, the capital of Parum, Roderick takes a moment to look around and absorb his surroundings. Each structure has a rigid intensity about it, a clear and concise purpose for it's existence. Giant skyscrapers reach for the clouds, their massive glass walls reflecting one another to create odd illusions. Smaller buildings are barren, side-by-side affairs with not even a crack to call an alley between them. The city is drained of almost all color, a stark grey covering everything with not even a street light to brighten the mood. On top of it all, Roderick can't help but notice the odd smell in the air. A distinct metallic odor, so strong he can almost taste it, something like sucking on a coin and industrial lubricant. It made Roderick uneasy, forcing the realization of just how organic he really was to the forefront of his mind.

Whether it's better or worse is questionable, I'm not going to comment on that. It could just be what I personally like. I'd also write it in the first person normally but that wouldn't flow well in your story since it's mostly 3rd person. At the very least I guess it's a different perspective. Regardless, you seem to be steadily improving with each chapter (pretty noticeably actually) so I would imagine you'll have quite a few things ironed out in the future.

[McLaughlin]

Really appreciate the insight. I'll definitely take your advice to heart.

I much prefer your description of Tarcus to mine as well. That's the kind of thing I struggle with.

[Sord]

Really appreciate the insight. I'll definitely take your advice to heart.

I much prefer your description of Tarcus to mine as well. That's the kind of thing I struggle with.

Heh, np. I wish I could do dialogue as well as you can. I'm pretty terrible at it, all the characters except the main one wind up sounding pretty much the same. I'm not that great at showing personality through it. I try to write every once in awhile, but it never really gets anywhere. I'm good at world building and creating scenes, but, when it comes to actually throwing a plot in there and some character interaction? Blah. I wind up hating it, then never get around to finishing it.

[Freeze]

Another interesting Chapter, good work but you really need to give this a proper title. It deserves one.

[McLaughlin]

I've been trying to think of something awesome but I'm drawing a blank thus far.

[McLaughlin]

A day late, my bad. Again, really appreciate the comments. Mucho gracias.

Edit: Forgot some italics.

Chapter 6: Stall Tactics

“I'm not looking, I promise!”

“Relax, pup, there's nothing to see,” Eli assures Roderick.

“Even still, you're very pretty and it'd be inappro-”

“First of all,” Eli cuts him off, “I meant I have your coat on, and second, what do you mean 'even still'? I've got plenty to look at!”

“Er, that's not what I-” Roderick starts, cautiously lowering his hand from his face. After a coughing fit he decides to start a new train of thought, “are you OK?”

Remi answers, “Eliza will be fine provided she avoids strenuous movement. What is going on outside?”

“Uh,” Roderick pauses while trying to think of the best way to explain, “there are two people out there who want to take me somewhere.”

“How did you end up in here?”

“Well,” he blushes, “I told them I was leaving with you and they didn't much care for that answer.”

“I see. We have what we came for, our first priority now is to escape,” Remi says.

“How are we gonna do that with two crazy people blocking the door?” Eli asks.

“I will deal with them. Roderick will escort you out.”

“Actually...” Roderick says, objecting to the proposed plan, “I think I should be the decoy.”

Remi answers bluntly, “absolutely not.”

“I don't know the way out,” he protests, “and they want me specifically.”

“I will direct you.”

“While fighting two people? There's something not right about them, ma'am.”

“All the more reason for you to take Eliza. Do not underestimate me, Roderick.”

“I think the pup's got a point,” Eli chimes in.

“You can lock the doors behind you on your way out to slow any pursuers down. I can't do that,” Roderick adds.

“How exactly do you plan to escape?”

“I can stall them until you're far enough away and then I'll make a run for it. You can guide me to an exit.”

“If the pup wants to do it I say we let him,” Eli says.

Remi lets out an audible sigh before surrendering, “Twice in one day. I must need recalibration.”

“All right,” Roderick says, moving back towards the door, “I'll draw them away so you can get going.”

“Hey!” Eli shouts as he leaves their view, “don't screw this up! If you die we'll kill you!”

“This is a poor decision.”

“Have a little faith, would ya?”

“Are you aware I am a Cast?”

==========

“I think that was a little excessive, Helga.”

“If that's all it takes to kill him he's not even worth bothering with,” the woman snarls.

“Just dial it back a bit. We need him alive.”

“Whatever. Stay out of the way.”

“You'll regret it if you underestimate him,” Able warns.

Their banter is put on hold when they both turn their attention to the top of the slope, as Roderick emerges from the shadows of the hallway. Stepping through what's left of the door, he stops just before the decline begins and looks down at Able.

“Decided to come quietly?”

Instead of replying, Roderick breaks out into a full sprint, blowing past Able and out of the room before he can react.

“I guess I should have seen that coming. Come on, Helga.”

“Don't tell me what to do,” she hisses.

Together, Able and Helga take off after Roderick, leaving the room completely vacant. A minute passes by before Remi and Eli enter, looking around to make sure they're alone.

“He was right, there's definitely something wrong with those two,” Eli observes.

“Indeed. Come, the longer we take the worse his chances get.”

==========

Big room, big room, Roderick thinks to himself as he continues to sprint through corridors and smaller rooms, Able loves those long range Technics, I need room to avoid them. He's been zig-zagging his way through the underground lab in an attempt to put distance between himself and his friends. Eventually he finds himself exactly what he's been looking for; a huge room. Well lit, and two stories like much of what he's seen in the lab. Without noticing though, he's made his way to an unfinished portion of the facility. Where previous rooms had transparent glass floors, in this area the glass has largely given way to bland sheet metal and steel grating. Whole sections of walls are incomplete, exposing rebar and electrical wiring, and all the doors on the ground floor save the one he came through are closed and apparently lacking power. After he soaks in his surroundings he takes a couple deep breaths to calm himself down and stifle the panting.

“You always were good at running away from your problems.”

“And you were never any good at keeping up,” Roderick fires back.

“So what's your plan now?” Able asks, holding his Tesbra at his side. The photons have again changed color, this time to a neon blue.

“It doesn't... matter,” the woman manages between gasps for air. Her light blue hair is damp with sweat, leaving her bangs plastered to her forehead even as she's doubled over, “let's knock him out... and get out of here.”

Two strange swords melt into Helga's hands as she's finally able to right herself. In her right hand, she holds a saber almost completely comprised of dark purple photons. The blade itself extends well beyond the hilt, even near where she grips it, where the guard curves back around in a sickle shape. In contrast, the saber in her left hand is old school; made completely out of some type of metal with a strange angular design and a thick oblong hand guard protecting the hilt.

Able makes the first move, waving his wand around to summon four huge ice stalagmites above Roderick. While he dances around to avoid being impaled, Helga rushes forward, her black jacket flapping wildly. She leads with the right saber, cutting clean through one of the stalagmites stuck in the floor, but narrowly misses Roderick's head. He uses the missed attempt to his advantage by kicking the ice disc into her chest, forcing her back a few feet.

Taking to the offensive, Roderick uses the shortened icicle as a stepping stone to launch himself up over the others, which have formed a makeshift barricade, and towards Able. Casting another Rabarta fails to impede him as he contorts himself in midair to keep out of harm's way. When he lands, Roderick closes the distance to Able in three strides, putting all his forward momentum into a punch that hits Able in the chest. Instead of recoiling, Able stands tall, and it's Roderick who immediately pulls his hand away in pain.

“I bet that hurt,” Able laughs.

While Roderick nurses his hand, Able changes the grip on his wand and swings it like an axe, intending to embed it in Roderick's shoulder. Roderick reaches up and grabs the shaft with his good hand, and braces himself with his other arm when he realizes he's being overpowered. Nearly instantly, the color drains away from the Tesbra's cage, leaving it completely empty.

“Woops,” Able shrugs, pulling away and taking a few steps back, “I guess this thing is junk now.”

Discarding his Tesbra, Able draws another weapon to replace it. A strange three-pronged rod with an awful aura surrounding it. At that moment, Roderick is sidetracked by a beeping sound in his ear.

Remi comes in over his comm unit, “Roderick, we are clear. From your position, exit through the door you are facing and continue straight. I will tell you when to turn.”

Able raises the psycho wand above his head, spinning it around several times while the prongs and a large portion of the shaft glow orange. Slamming the butt end into the floor causes the room to start shaking, and Roderick dives out of the way just as a colossal boulder erupts from the ground, dislodging dozens of pieces of the floor. Helga takes this opportunity to rejoin the battle, charging in with the metal half of her Tiga de Ragan. Having nothing to parry the blade with, Roderick digs his heel into the floor, flipping one of the steel plates up into the air. Wincing as he snatches it out of the air with both hands, he uses it as a shield to deflect the lunge, while sticking his foot out to trip up Helga. While she tumbles away, Able moves in in an attempt to use his rod like a spear. As he thrusts it forward, Roderick launches himself into the air in an aerial front flip. Easily clearing the reach of the psycho wand, he comes out of the maneuver above Able, whose head he uses as a springboard. Pushing off hard forces Able's face to meet the floor, and propels Roderick to his exit. As soon as his feet touch the ground, he bolts.

Able rises slowly to his feet, shaking his head in an attempt to get rid of the cobwebs, “I told you not to take him lightly.”

“Shut up,” Helga barks.

“Ooh, testy.”

==========

“At the next intersection, turn right. From there the exit will be straight ahead.” Remi dictates.

Roderick slides into the turn to avoid losing all his speed before moving back into a full sprint. Seeing no door to use though, it dawns on him that Remi hasn't led him to a legitimate exit. Rather, a large plate glass window seems to be his way out. He lowers his shoulder, drops his head, and smashes through it in a spectacular display as bits of broken glass refract the sunlight in every direction. Unaware that he was charging out of the second story, Roderick is ill prepared for the fall and lands roughly, tumbling into a tuck and roll, coming to a stop right at the feet of his companions.

Eli is the first to speak, “Are you alright pup!?”

“Uh, yeah, I think so,” Roderick says, slowly getting to his feet while checking himself over.

“Good,” Eli says, giving him a solid whack to the back of his head, “don't ever do anything that stupid again.”

“I concur,” Remi agrees. “In the future, please remember that we are here to help you.”

“It all worked out this time though, so good work, pup!”

Roderick rubs the back of his head, feeling for a bump, “then why'd you hit me?”

“Think of it as a warning of what's to come the next time you get any crazy ideas.”

“Come,” Remi beckons, “we must return to the Colony. Eliza requires medical attention and I must report our findings.”

“Hey, pup, gimme a lift.”

Roderick's face turns bright red at that suggestion, “I uh, uh, why?”

“Because I'm tired and sore. Come on, it's just a piggyback ride.”

And so together they walk back to the flyer base, Eli beaming the entire way from her perch atop Roderick's back, while he tries not to die of embarrassment. From the window he jumped out of, two figures, a man and a woman, watch them leave.

“This might be a little trickier than I first thought.”