My Sister

[Tessu]

Sorry if I am not personally responding to everything that's been posted! I will be addressing a few points brought up in the thread thus far.

1. Physical Discipline: I'm not gonna hop into any debate about whether it does or doesn't work in general, because it's totally irrelevant--my mom has one rule, and always has had one rule, only: no physical discipline. I was never spanked, she was never spanked. We have never been hit by our parents. If anyone is going to physically discipline her, it would be me, and I won't do that for a couple of reasons. First off, it's not my damn job. Secondly, when I was younger, we once got into a physical fight in which she attacked me first, and I struck back (this was, like, years ago. Like I was 10 and she was 8 ). After that happened, my mom didn't punish her at all. Why? "Because you already punished her," she told me. I wasn't punished either, but I got the message: if she aggressively attacks me and I aggressively attack back, I have effectively put us on equal ground, and no matter who did it first, we will both be punished. Of course, this doesn't apply to defending myself. But anyway, physical discipline is not going to happen, period.

2. My father: Yes, he does need to assert himself. Yes, he does need to stop giving into everything she wants, and yes, he does need to stop giving her money. Both me and my mother have spoken to him about it. We've railed him about it. He's been told all this. Nothing's changing. We can't control his actions. My mom is this close to cutting off his access to their money, which would have implications for their marriage, but if that's what needs to happen, it will. The money isn't the only thing, though... obviously he still taxis her around for free even though she treats him like shit, and he does... other things. I don't want to speak a whole lot about it, but let's just say this: If my sister is demanding that my dad take her somewhere when she has just recently thrown a fit/broken something/not done her homework/chores/is just generally not deserving of a ride, and my mom specifically instructs my dad not to drive her anywhere, he'll say, "No, you can't have a ride, because your mom says no." Not because he thinks she shouldn't get one or hasn't earned one. He just straight up blames mom, and then my sister gets mad at mom rather than dad. And then he eventually drives her anyway, in most cases.

3. Removing her, one way or another. We'd like to, but that is, for my mom, a last last result. She would never kick her out of the house, period, because we know exactly what would happen. Sending her to boot camp or a mental institution or boarding school are all considerations, but not options we'd like to take.

4. Surrounding her with better friends. Yes, yes, and triple yes! Her friends are awful. I don't just mean they're teenagers and they're losers. I mean, they suck. They just suck. One of her friends stole her iPhone. THEY ARE STILL FRIENDS. What the shit. My family is actually probably going to move about 30 miles north where all the rich people live and send my sister to school there. Well, we already know her feelings about that: my sister specified that she would absolutely not move with us. I guess we'll see, but I think that would really, truly help. It wouldn't be a cure-all, of course, but if she got even a taste of what actual decent people are like, she might actually make an effort to be one, rather than continue to roll around in her own shit.


Thanks so much for all the replies/support/suggestions, you guys. I really cannot express how much I appreciate that.

[Nitro Vordex]

On a lighter note for this thread:



And before you all get mad at me, I've also talked to Tessu a few times about it as well, so don't get all buttmad at me. Though, admittedly, not as recently, but we've all got lives, can't be helped.

[.Rusty.]

^ Hahahaha

Seriously tho if you got a exams or something might be best to stay over a friends or relatives house. That environment sounds kinda hostile and no matter how much you care about someone you gotta put yourself at the top of the list.

[Meyfei]

send her to a foster home. I was in a few myself and am glad i was put in one. ofcourse it's not an adoption thing you can plan visits anytime you want where she can come home for the weekend and such. THEY TOLERATE NO SHIT. and if she runs away? well cops will be called and she'll be sent to a group home that sucks: alarms on your beroom doors that wake the entire house just because you or someone needs to go pee ~_~.

Seriously things gotta be done regardless of what others think or want she needs help. this isnt "oh it's that age again" this is just bullshit. and tell your mom and dad. its you or her. your able to move on your own right but i understand some things can prevent that? you shouldnt be taking any of this shit.

[Ranmaru]

Life must be difficult when you alienate everyone that actually gives a shit about you.

Two days ago, my sister freaked out at me, hit me, threw shit at me, and threatened to kill me while trying to break down my door (which she did succeed in breaking off a good chunk of it), and later persistently threatened to kill me in my sleep and break everything that was valuable to me. It's a long story and one that's been told too many times, so I won't get into it beyond that. I would, however, like to highlight the fact that I am consistently nice to my sister, I don't speak negatively to her, and I regularly do favors for her and ask nothing in return.

Today, when she woke up, she asked me to give her a ride somewhere. I said no. She said "Well, you better not leave your computer out in the open then." Then, a few hours later, she came in and apologized. I was straight up with her: "I understand that you're sorry and I'm glad, but it's not going to go away just like that, and I'd at least like some time to build up trust with you again and let you redeem yourself." She said okay and that she understood. Then, about 20 minutes ago, she said she needed a ride home because none of the buses were running, she had no money, and mom and dad are out. I said no. She said "So I slapped you. Are you SAD about it? Are you gonna cry about it?" and I said, "If it's going to be that way, then definitely no." And she said, "God, this is why I slapped your bitch ass." I just hung up at that point.

She wouldn't be in that situation with better planning--if she had communicated properly with our parents and figured out exactly when she was coming home and when they could pick her up. And there's no reason she shouldn't have any money, my dad gives her at LEAST $30 a day.

What frustrates me is that she probably won't understand this: "I am not receiving a ride from my sister because she has consistently been nice to me in the past, and I recently left her with a handful of bruises and a broken door. It sucks to be where I am, but I guess some of my actions have repercussions and I probably shouldn't treat people who care about me that way." or at least "I shouldn't treat people who I'm going to ask favors from that way."
Instead, what she's probably thinking is, "God Tess is such a bitch for leaving me out here what the fuck who does that I'm her little sister. I guess I can't rely on her for anything ever. I can't rely on anyone. I don't trust anyone. No one understands me."

I don't want to perpetuate the latter attitude at all. But I really don't want her to believe she can do this to people and keep getting rewarded for it. The day after this all happened, my dad gave her a shitload of money. I just... ugh. I don't feel right. I feel guilty. But I shouldn't. Should I? :\

I think you should continue to say 'no'. Tough love.

When she 'forgets' to make the proper arrangements for her ride. And then she asks for a ride, you ask her "Oh hey, did ya ask mom and dad in advance?" just make sure you let her know that it's her fault for not getting the ride. "Oh but daddy always gives me a ride, he loves me, ooooooh" "Well I'm not your dad. Call him. Oh wait. you forgot." Or tell her "I'm tired, sorry. Did you bring your bus money? If not, I'm sorry. Walk home, you have legs."

etc. If and when she comes home and just goes on a rant about it without even considering why she had to walk in the first place... *SHRUGS SHRUGS* (Also just restrain her from hitting you if possible, instead of hitting back, you can do that, my professor told me she did that all the time in her class with bad kids [cross their arms and make em look dumb in front of everyone] Then I guess what ACbreaker said goes. This is one of those things... that when you try so hard to make someone you know so well, UNDERSTAND... you wasted your time because they don't ever do argggh. I think from your description of how your dad handles the situation, I think it will be up to your mom and then you, to be the hard asses here.

Mom is gonna have to be the 'bad guy' here. She is gonna have to make all the hard decisions, and I suggest you help everytime you can. She'll need the support. I mean your dad already made your mom to be the bad one, and now your sis will go to your dad everytime your mom says "no". Tell your dad to say "Ask your mother" instead of just saying yes. Moving? Go ahead and move. Guess who has the last say when it comes to that? Your parents. Would your sis really like to be by herself when this happens? I don't think so. (I hope she doesn't) If she would be the type to run away in a situation like that, instead of realizing she isn't mature enough or old enough to stay her self, then I guess it's one of those things where you gotta wait for her to grow up and realize that, because she is past the age where you can mold her into what you'd want her to be.

Hope this was of help. And sometimes... You can't CHANGE a person. You'll just argue and argue and argue and argue and argue and get sick of each other. And then you fear if that person hates you for doing so. Boot camp or those other options might have to suffice. But first, be an example. Keep saying "No" and keep restraining her from hitting anyone.

[Tessu]

Right now, she is outside my room screaming at my parents because they won't get her a smartphone. She had an iPhone, and then "it broke." Okay, fair enough. We got her another iPhone. It broke. Ooookay... we got her another one, and then someone stole it and never gave it back. She continued to be friends with this girl.

So that was the end of her iPhones. Mom, then, bought herself an iPhone, and gave my sister her old first generation Droid. All my sister did was complain about how slow and useless it was, and how it was breaking constantly and it sucked, and then the screen got cracked horribly. So now my sister is using my very old non-smartphone that I had for a couple years, and she's yelling at my parents because I DON'T HAVE A PHONE BUY ME A PHONE HOW CAN YOU GUYS GET AN IPAD AND A NEW CAR AND NOT GET ME A NEW PHONE CLEARLY YOU HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY ME A PHONE WHY WON'T YOU BUY ME A PHONE DON'T SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELVES AND THEN CLAIM THAT YOU DON'T HAVE IT

That is actually her argument.

So then my mom says something along the lines of, "Why don't you earn yourself a phone?" and my sister responds HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA TELL ME I NEED TO BUY MY OWN PHONE BUT FINE OK I'LL JUST PAWN OFF SOME OF YOUR SHIT AND PAY FOR MY PHONE MYSELF I DON'T NEED TO GET A JOB

It's... hard to listen to sometimes.

What's funny is that she's claiming that she doesn't have a phone. She does. Her current phone is touch screen and has a small keyboard. It texts and calls and takes pictures. Then she says that she doesn't even need an iPhone, she just wants a SMART phone. Well, you know, she had one--that old Droid. And all she did was complain and demand a better phone. So clearly, she doesn't just want a smartphone.

[Jakosifer]

Slap her upside the head a few times. Its obvious she's too primitive for rational efforts.

[AC9breaker]

Honestly, I know it's fucked up but a part of me is kinda laughing. This shit needs to me on Maury.