Snowy (revision 03/05/16)

[PhotonDrop]

I like the changes you've made to the end. In the original the reunion felt more professional, but now it's much more personal. Ophelia's concern really shines this time. I can relate to how she decided she was going to punch Charlotte for being so flippant about a serious injury, so that got a chuckle out of me.

[Anduril]

I forgot to check this...

Ah; a shame. Well, I still look forward to more of your work if you decide to create and upload it.

I have been considering it the past few days, though I may go for a different style, possibly something a bit more traditional.

I suck at transitions too. I used to limit my stories to one scene to cover that (said scene being anywhere between 200-2000 words), but I think I'm starting to get better at ending one scene and moving to another. Maybe?

Like most things, I guess it just takes practice. I decided to try to work on the transitions a bit with the revision, adding some key words and phrases to link between the two scenes, kinda like how when you think of one thing, it will bring up memories of something else.

I like the changes you've made to the end. In the original the reunion felt more professional, but now it's much more personal. Ophelia's concern really shines this time. I can relate to how she decided she was going to punch Charlotte for being so flippant about a serious injury, so that got a chuckle out of me.

Thank you. You're right, it did lack a bit of an emotional punch before, though now that I've let it sit for a few days and reread it, I still think it might be missing something.

[Zorafim]

I have to mention every time I see this topic, I think of this song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BIeGdBjJiU