Need Advice - (Two girls, one dillema).

[Anubis_]

I guess you didn't read the beginning of his post, or you would see he is posting this for a friend.

I did blatantly overlook it.. my apologies..

[navci]

If I didn't think I know Abdur better I'd almost accuse him for posting this problem "for a friend" but is actually a lie.

Man. I been in the same situation before, exceot the guy was the indecisive one. You guys can be all mind games too.

But I always think of it this way. Don't look back, most of the times things don't patch up. And most of the time "seperate and give each other time" usually mean something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship and usually it is best to move on. Also, if your relationship has terms and limitation set, forget it, it isn't gonna work.

So ya. Move on. Have fun.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: navinator on 2005-01-18 12:03 ]</font>

[ABDUR101]

Friend's reply to all of your posts so far. And no I don't mind.

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Thanks a lot I appreciate you doing this, Abdur. this will be my last PM to you, I don't want to keep bothering you every time I want to make a reply, so I'll just let this be my last PM, unless you don't mind.

I appreciate all of your replies; every one of you has helped me with new perspectives on my situation.

It turns out that my ex and I are now in relationship status form once again. Let me explain my thought processes for my decision to renew, after I individually reply to statements that I think will help you paint a better picture of how our bond was before the breakup, and what I see it becoming in the future.

I guess I will address each of the replies individually, and then conclude to why I ultimately decided to get back together with her.

A relationship does not rest upon the shoulders of a single person if it's going to last. A relationship is an equal union between two people who have respect for one another in every sense (or at least as many senses as tolerable, some people get away with abuse, others with neglect, but they are not any kind of relationship I'd put up with).

Agreed, but let me clarify that the neglect I faced was only towards the last couple of months of our relationship, and it was during an extremely busy time for her (she attends a prestigious college and she was studying for finals week and she barely even talks to her parents during this time). While I don't agree with how she handled the situation, I can understand the amount of stress she was under. The bottom line is that she just doesn't know how to handle adversity very well (she was raised in an affluent family) and let a little bit of immaturity seep out.

Now on a serious side. You say the past year was the worst of your life. The ex screwed up in some way that you can't really get over it, so that would leave me to believe you want to stay away. Being so near to your breakup, it is difficult to decide on such a thing. I've been in the same place. It seems to me that based on her 2 requests, she just wants to have more power in whatever relationship you may or may not continue to pursue.

I should have elaborated more on why I was having a rough year. All the problems I was having at the time had a lot to do with my basketball career and a life threatening accident my brother had about 3-4 months prior to the breakup. When I was going through this tough time, I was happy about the relationship. There was only one time when we were together where we seriously argued, and no real problems ever reared their head within our union. It was as close to a flawless relationship as you could get. I gave up a full ride basketball scholarship to a D1 (D1 is the highest level of play) university to try and play at a more superior school athletically and academically wise. To do this I would have to go back to junior college, because D1 to D1 transfers according to NCAA rules is not possible. I was taking a huge risk because I tore my ACL a year beforehand, and didn't really know how my surgery was going to hold up. And guess what happened? I re-tore it about 10 games into the season at Junior College. I had to say goodbye to any higher competitive play, and I've decided since I can't play at the level I want to, I'm going to just pay for college by working. This is a monumental transition for me, and it was at this exact same time I made this decision that she broke it off with me. I felt betrayed and abandoned, and my outlook life had changed entirely (I wasn't suicidal or anything, but I just felt like life treated me unfairly in so many ways). As for the power issue, I believe you may be partly right, and have voiced my displeasure towards other issues I had with her in the relationship and she?s willing to change a lot of what I feel she needs to.

She'll have the freedom to run around and do whatever she wants, with whoever she wants, while you sit around and wait for her to decide that you're all she needs (which may very well never happen).

The honesty in our relationship is something that I have valued, and she has never wavered in this respect. I have asked her many times if it has anything to do with another guy, and she is extremely insistent in telling me that there is no other guy. This is one thing I?m 100% sure of. When she dances around questions is when the doubt enters my mind, but on this particular subject, I know she is not cheating on me, nor is she actively using the ?I can do better approach.?

It sounds like your ex really can't decide what she wants at the moment - like she, too, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seems like she's trying to decide whether to take you back or not, but doesn't want to be removed of decision to do so - Do you want to be with a girl that isn't sure she wants to be with you?

I personally juggled with this matter in my mind many times, even after the breakup; because she can tend to let her emotions dictate her decisions on occasion. But I realized I wasn?t exactly doing my complete part to make it a successful relationship (as far as working towards a future). I?m an extremely lazy person sometimes, and I didn?t work as hard as I could have in basketball, taking the ?I?ll do it later? philosophy, which could have triggered my re-injury (I didn?t strengthen my knee in the weight room like I should have been). This became her main argument for the breakup. She claimed I had no drive and determination to make our future secure, and she was right for the most part. She got tired of telling me, because she saw little effect in her ability to motivate me. This is something I am willing to change, and have to change.

Also, don't forget that some couples in the world (YES FOLKS, including America.) DON'T have sex, and are married.

But you probably have your own opinion about this already.

Although sexual intercourse is something that is unnecessary in any relationship, it was an act I enjoyed on an emotional and physical level, and since I have a high sex drive, when I?m with her intimately, it?s almost like torture for me (I find her extremely attractive). I always respect her wishes, and the relationship will stay strong no matter if this aspect is active or inactive, but she is completely unwilling to compromise, and that kind of bothers me when she didn?t mind engaging before.

- Who has the same relationship plans as you do?
- Who do you consider as more of a friend?
- Who do you consider as more as a soulmate?
- Who do you know more? And if you don't know the second girl very well, I suggest getting to know her first before taking quick decisions. Believe me, someday she might off not being the one you thought she was.

Answering these questions in order:

- I couldn?t tell you. I haven?t known the other girl for very long. But we did click almost instantaneously.
- My ex
- My ex. But I am keeping in contact with the other girl, and she was extremely understanding when I told her about me getting back together with my ex.

[b]
If those sacrafices were things you already planed on doing that maybe you should think about hooking back up with her..

[B]

Yes, I?m willing.

Your Ex is foolish for asking you to change so she can have a relationship with you.
I know that seems harsh but its the truth. It's not that I'm saying she's trying to control you (although that is what she's doing

The only thing she wants me to change is my motivation, and it?s only for my own good, it?s not just for her personal gratification. Like I said previously, this is something negative that I have to change about myself, and she?s not the only one telling me I need to become more determined. I was given many gifts that I haven?t utilized, and she calls me on it, with good reason.

Personally, you ex has controling issues. It sounds like to me that she really doesn't want to get back together. What she really wants is for her to have total control over everything by NOT allowing you to be with another person, because she would rather have someone before you do.

So doesn't want to feel like you've moved on because ultimately, she wants to be superior, hence why she dropped the bomb about wanting to get back together when you told her you were going to go out on a date.

Again, I?m 100% sure she is not interested in any other guy, and she did tell me at the breakup that she would wait until school was finished before she would get back in a relationship. She was only in one other relationship for a short stint of three months, and the guy was only out to swipe her V-card. I trust her honesty, if I didn?t then I would have not wanted to get back in an untrustworthy relationship.

Again I really appreciate all of your replies, and although I am back with her, I look at the relationship in a whole new light. I believe she knows she made a mistake, but it?s a mistake that was brewed from immaturity, which is something that will change. The feeling of abandonment and total loss is something I?m not going to forget, and I?m going to be a lot more cautious for the future.

This post helped me relieve a lot of stresses, and it has helped me vent my frustrations in a peaceful manner.

[navci]

Dejavu.
In a bad way.

I wish you luck. And I really do hope this works out for you. (sorry, your scenerio is so hauntingly similar to the one I had, it is uncanny. I hope the new girl didn't fall for you too much yet)

[_xX_Frosty_Xx_]

Whenever someone knows that you like or love them, they aren't in a rush to get with/get back with you. When they run a risk of losing you, they always run back. I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment. While it's been very fulfilling, much in the same sence that yours has been, I believe that you shouldn't compromise your happiness for your ex. Before you make a decision, ask yourself which of the two YOU would be happier with. Perhaps it's time to move on to greener pasture; everything happens for a reason.

[BWS-1]

Once you know, understand and accept the difference between desire and attraction, your relationship will become undestructable ... if of course, the love that unites the 2 of you is not clouded with dought or insecurity. It might be worth it, it might not, only the 2 of you truely know if you can go on, and live your passion 'till the end of days.