FKL Voiceovers: Fanworks Edition (Now with approved names)

[Ness]

I got a mod's approval so don't fuss at me about recreating the topic.

Most of you that frequent FKL know about my voiceovers. Well after FKLV: In Hell I decided to make the next edition more detailed and story-like. All the other ones were written like plays, but this will be an actual story. However, it will still maintain the humor that made the Voiceovers so famous.

Alright, here we go.....

"What the hell?" asked Photon Drop (referred to as PD from now on). "What's with this new format, and why do my lines no longer contain typoes?

"Because this is not a play, it is a story," replied Ness.

"What?!" shouted Sef. "You're ditching the classic the format? I feel cheated!"

"And worst of all it's not in Fresh Kills, it's in Fanworks!" shouted Scott_Kuda (referred to as Kuda from now on).

"Sheesh, guys, will you just give this story a chance?" pleaded Ness.

"I agree," stated Tai. "The story hasn't even begun and you guys are already attacking it. Whatever happened to 'innocent until proven guilty'?"

"You're right," conceded PD. "I'm sorry, Ness."

Everyone else apologizes as well. "I accept your apologies," said Ness. "Now let's work together to make this story rock!"

Everyone cheers.

[Tact]

Hooray for approved names! Will what happens in the first chapter be any different, or will it be just the names?

[Ness]

It'll just be the names.

Prologue: The Shadows of a Dying World

In recent years, PSO World had become a dark place, both literally and figuratively. The planet's sun, Dreamcast I, was a dying star. This caused the planet to have longer nights and shorter days. However, it was just one of the many problems PSO World faced. The impending death of the sun caused several people to leave the planet, leaving several places in PSO World's urbanized surface uninhabited. These uninhabited areas suffered from urban deterioration and became havens for crime lords, trolls, and strange new cult known only as the Void.

No one knew anything about this strange cult, other than people disappeared for days, or even weeks, at time and came back praising the Master. Who was the Master? No one would tell. It was unsure whether or not the cult members knew.

At first the Void was just dismissed as fanatics, but its actions soon became violent; it attacked places near the abandoned areas of the planet. The attacks became more frequent and reached further into the occupied areas. No one knew when or why they would strike. All they knew is that its attacks left no survivors. People feared for their lives and the attacks became an issue of much discussion among politicians. They knew so little, but everyone knew one thing: it would only be a matter of time before the attacks reached the heart of PSO World.



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 06:16 ]</font>

[Tact]

Ooh, the Master. Is he the guy snuffing out the candles?

[Ness]

You will just have to wait and see.

Note: I changed a few things so it would make grammitical sense, but all I really did was use the "replace" function on Word.
------------------------------------------

Chapter 1: Four Extinguished Candles

Moderators at PSOW were nonexistent; they had all left for better planets. Even the admins had abandoned this once thriving utopia for worlds that were not dying. After a brief but bloody period of anarchy, five of PSO World's most respected citizens rose to form a legislative council to take over the functions of the government. Samantha, Shattered_Weasel (referred to as Shattered from now on), Roygbiv, Shadowpawn (referred to as Shadow from now on), and Ness. The five of them were currently having a meeting in the Grand Council Hall, a cylindrical room at the top of a 150 story skyscraper.

"I don't know what we shall do," said Samantha, brushing back her short black hair and placing her hands on her head. "The attacks keep getting closer and more frequent." She closed her brown eyes and sighed.

"What's worse it that we still don't know how and when they are attacking us," added in Roygbiv.

"We can't even defend ourselves because the attacks are over before our forces even get there!" shouted Shadow. "Not only that, but we still have to deal with the issue of our dying star."

"This fucking sucks," said Shattered.

"......" was Ness' only remark.

"You have to have something more than that to say!" shouted Samantha. "You're always the quietest in these damn meeting and hardly contribute anything at all!"

"It's better to say nothing than to open my mouth and say only crap," retorted Ness. "Your voice shouts loudly the sound of nothing."

"Samantha just got Shakespeare'd!" chuckled Roygbiv.

"Ness wins," stated Shattered with a smile.

"Damnit, this is why I don't like you, Ness!" shouted Samantha.

"I'm not on this council because you like me, I'm here because the citizens of PSO World need me--need all of us," said Ness.

"Cool it guys, how are we going to fight this threat if we are always fighting each other?" asked Shadow.

"Shadow is right," agreed Shattered. "Ness, what do you suggest we do?"

"Run," stated Ness. "Run and go into hiding. I had a vision last night, a vision that I saw as clearly as I see you guys. Tonight they will come for us, and tonight we will die. With us dead, our already struggling government will crumble and the Void will take over. They will put out our dying star and like the Void, PSO World will be cast in a frozen darkness. That is why we must leave this place immediately and go into hiding."

Ness stood up and gave everyone a datapad. "Each datapad contains a specific location for you each of you to hide in. With me I have a datapad that contains all your locations and in six months I will come and get you guys. Until then, don't leave the areas I gave you to hide in," said Ness. He stood up and walked to the door. "Come, we must leave now."

From behind came the sound of incessant laughter.

"Oh noes, Ness had a bad dream and wants us all to leave our homes! Honestly, did you expect us to believe this shit?" chided Samantha.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh what a loser!" shouted Shattered.

"Is this your idea of joke? Because it's as funny as hell! Thanks, Ness, I needed that," said Roygbiv.

"Ness, you've said some weird things in the past, but his takes the cake!" yelled Shadow.

"FOOLS!" shouted Ness. "Fine, don't believe me. If you desire to die, than so be it!"

Ness threw open the two golden doors that allowed entrance into the chamber and the slammed them shut behind him. Even behind the doors he could still hear their laughter. It was no matter, they will know he's right by the time it was too late. He ran down the hall towards the elevator.

*****

In a pitch black room lit only by five candles and wrinkled hand held a metal spoon. Each of the five candles had names written on them.

*****

Roygbiv walked home that night still chuckling over what Ness had said to them. However, Ness did look pretty pissed when he walked out the room. Maybe there was truth in his words after all. Roygbiv doubted it, but he put is hand on his Varista just in case. Behind him was the sound of metal clanging together. Roygbiv quickly whirled around to see that two trashcans falling over caused the noise.

"I'm getting too jumpy," thought Roygbiv to himself. Then he felt a sharp pain in his arm. He looked down to see blood trickling down it, onto his hand, and finally on this his middle finger where it dripped on the ground. Roygbiv quickly grabbed his arm and attempted to stop the bleeding. "What the hell?" he thought to himself. "Show yourself!" he shouted.

A black, furry figure appeared in from of him. It walked upright like a human, but had the face and mane of a lion. It's body could barely been seen in the dark of the night, but it's glowing yellow eyes were plainly visible. Roygbiv pulled out his Varista and shot the beast several times. Each photon bullet hit its target, but the creature seemed unaffected. The beast charged, leaped up in the air, and came down on Roygbiv. Roygbiv screamed in pain as the beasts fangs sunk into his neck. Roygbiv felt light headed and then everything went black.

*****

A Shaky, wrinkled hand smothered the flame of the candle with "Roygbiv" written on it with the spoon."

*****

Samantha stood in the middle of an alley with her bloody hand on a puncture wound she received on her leg. In her other hand was a paint brush. "What was that thing?" she asked herself. "Was Ness right? Will this be the day I die? No, I will not die tonight! I will not die and then rub it in Ness's face six months later. Yeah, that's what I'll do! Then I will once and for all prove that fool knows nothing."

However, her moment of pleasure was short lived for the furry beasts that attacked her stood up again and charged. Samantha swung her brush around and painted a red streak across the creature's chest. The red streak became and open wound that gushed out blood, but the creature kept coming. "What the fuck?" thought Samantha. "It's as if he doesn't even know he's wounded."

In an instant the creature was above her head and in another instant, her head was no longer attached to her body.

*****

The wrinkled hand extinguished another candle with "Samantha" written on it.

*****

"Ha, that was easy!" stated Shadow as he looked at the charred smoking corpse of the monster that attacked him. He pulled out a bottle of GOD and downed the entire thing one gulp. "Man, all this fighting sure does make me thirsty!" However, he didn't notice the giant black serpent sneaking up on him and within seconds Shadow was wrapped in its coils. Shadow coughed up blood as the serpent crushed him. The intense pressure caused his ribs to crack and cave into his heart. He managed to make one last expression on his face: o.O, and then he died. The serpent let go of Shadow's lifeless body and slithered away quickly soon as it has approached. The empty bottle of GOD rolled out of his hand and into the alley.

*****

Deranged laughter resonated throughout the room as the wrinkled hand extinguished yet another candle. This one had "Shadow" written on it.

*****


Shattered had managed to kill two of the furry beasts without suffering any major injuries. He was running at full speed now. "If I could just get home, I'll be okay," he thought to himself.

Out of nowhere a third beast appeared and tore out Shattered's throat. Shattered fell to the ground and a pool of blood formed under him. "I can't die yet," he thought to himself. "I haven't had sex!" His heart stopped beating and his body became motionless.

*****

The laughter got louder as the hand put out the "Shattered" candle. Only one candle continued to burn, Ness' candle. The laughter became screams of anger and pain once the hand realized it would not be able to extinguish the final flame and leave the room in complete darkness.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 09:37 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 15:50 ]</font>

[Tact]

As I stated before, very nice beginning. This leaves us readers thinking "Will PSOW be destroyed? Who is snuffing the candles?".

[Ness]

Find out on the next episode of Fresh Kills Z! Just kidding.

--------------------------------

Chapter 2: Taking the Case

Two weeks later.....

PSOW was in almost complete chaos even two weeks after the fact; the murders of four of the five council members were still all over the news. The event divided the populous into two political factions: those that think Ness had a part in it and those that don't. However all knew that two things were true: the Void directed the attacks and Ness' location was unknown. Fortunately the police force and the military prevented the planet from going into complete anarchy by continued to enforce the laws passed by the council.

Businesses continued to function as well, especially those dealing with investigation and exploration. Most private investigators hired only worked on small parts of the overall investigation, but one in particular was about to get in deeper than all the other investigators combined.

Unlike most private investigators, Hrigg worked from home. He said it was because of the convenience, but he really just didn't like driving to an office just to sit around and wait for people. He sat as his lamp lit desk staring at his favorite picture: a picture of him kissing Samantha on the cheek. Tears started running down his face. "Oh, Samantha," whispered Hrigg between sobs. "Why did you have to die? We had a future together, and those bastards took it away!" Hrigg continued to cry.

He probably would have cried for hours, but he heard a knock on his door. Hrigg brushed back his blonde hair, dried his blue eyes, and ran to the door. He opened the door to see a beautiful young woman not too much older than him. He invited her in and led her to his desk. They sat down on opposite sides.

"So do you have a case for me?" asked Hrigg.

"Yes I do," replied the woman as she adjusted her glasses. "My name is Rachel and this will probably be the most dangerous case you have ever received."

"Go on."

"You may have to kill some people and enter many life-threatening situations. You may come back missing a few limbs, or may not come back at all."

"This is getting interesting."

"Hrigg, I need you to find Ness."

Hrigg remained silent, but his bottom lip began to quiver.

"I will pay you well. How does 100,000,000 @'s sound?" asked Rachel.

Hrigg bursted out into sobs. "Oh ma'am, I will not accept money for this case," said Hrigg between sobs. "I will take it for love! Samantha was my girlfriend and finding Ness may be the key to avenging her death!"

After a ten minute crying spell, Hrigg calmed down. "So do you have any idea where he may be?" he asked.

"No clue," replied Rachel. "But my guess is that he's in one of the abandoned regions."

"Great," replied Hrigg. "Just out of curiosity, why are you interested in finding Ness?"

"We took an art class together about six months ago. He always used to talk to me and tell me how good my art was. He made with laugh with comments about how hot I was with glasses on. Oh, he made me feel so--Ummm..... I mean... I want to find him so that our government can have some stability."

"Right..."

They shook hands and Rachel left his home. Hrigg went back to crying over his favorite picture.




<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 13:13 ]</font>


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 16:03 ]</font>

[Hrigg]

*waits for updates*

Good so far.

[geewj]

Now, all things known and thought about you aside, I'll write my post in regards to only the writing.

First off, it's a load of self serving crap.

Don't write a story that can be summed up with "Look how cool I am!" Not only is it going to be one fucking boring story, but it's going to make you look like a clueless and confused egomaniac.

There's a definition for this kind of story. It's called a Mary Sue/Gary Stu story.

---

Mary Sue: A story in which a new character is so brilliant, witty, amazing, attractive and wonderful that one (or all) of the main canon characters completely falls head over heels for. Basically, this character tends to be a thinly disguised wannabe of the author themselves. This type of fic is usually associated with romantic stories in which the female author lives out her fantasy of being with a particular character through her story. However this designation has come to mean any character that is over-emphasized, whether in the fanon or canon world. When you see or hear something or someone called a "Mary Sue," it tends to be meant as an insult.

more...I'm not positive where "Mary Sue" really started, but I do think it began in the "Star Trek" fandom. Specifically with the character of Spock and the female authors who wanted to vicariously be the ones who broke him out of his emotional shell. In my opinion, Mary Sue stories are generally fun only for the author themselves.

---

That's your biggest problem.

I was going to get into the other problems, but I think I'll leave it at that for now.

[Ness]

I think someone is jealous.