Frink, jealous of your fic? Are you trying to make me burst my lower intestine? Ness, try and take the constructive criticism. Reflect on what you're writing and compare it to what Frink said.
Frink, jealous of your fic? Are you trying to make me burst my lower intestine? Ness, try and take the constructive criticism. Reflect on what you're writing and compare it to what Frink said.
Look, he did it again.
What a brilliant, witty, amazing, attractive and wonderful reply. I should have known better than to suggest that you were capable of doing something that was not perfect. I'll just have to go back to ignoring you so I don't have to put myself down with the constant reminder of how I will never be as brilliant, witty, amazing, attractive and wonderful as you are.On 2005-06-18 14:48, Ness wrote:
I think someone is jealous.
Lazy bored. Crazy stupid.
Some grammatical errors, such as:
Where an "at" would make the sentecne less confusing. I agree with Frink, and would like to motion that this kinda like watching a film noir, full of the same level of melodrama, but with only one character worth noting.In an instant the creature was her head and in another instant, her head was no longer attached to her body.
Yours.
This is Nesstopia, where everyone else is just one of your little playthings. I just love it how people fall for this demagoguery.
But, hey, if you can find a receptive audience, continue writing your heart out. It at least seems interesting, and I do wonder how Ness will manage to solve the problems of the world.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Solstis on 2005-06-18 15:30 ]</font>
Sheesh, guys, I was just screwing with him. Don't be so quick to jump on my back.
@Sol
Something messed up when I tried to run that chapter through a word document and it turned out that I had copied part of it twice. I probably deleted the section I corrected. I'll get to it.
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Chapter 3: The Search Begins
Hrigg didn't know where to start looking for Ness. Unlike the other four council members he pretty much kept to himself, making it hard to find people who knew him personally. Such matters would have to wait, however, because Hrigg's thirst took first priority.
He entered one of the few functioning bars on PSOW that didn't have ties to a crime syndicate. Gallon's Crashpost, the name of the bar, was one of the oldest bars on PSOW--and it looked like it, too. Decades of neglect and poor funding caused the bar to fall into disrepair. Unlike most of the other bars, Gallon's Crashpost had only one floor and a basement--both of which were usually rather empty. The other bars were well funded and several stories high--one of the perks of being endorsed by the mob. Hrigg would be at one of the other bars, but private investigators like himself found only trouble at those places. Besides, he and the bartender were good friends. Hrigg entered the bar, took a whiff of the musty he had become accustomed to, and sat at a rusty barstool.
"Welcome back, Hrigg." said the barkeeper with a smile. "Will it be your usual martini?"
"Nah, I'll take a double shot of tequila; I just got a case and I want to celebrate a little," replied Hrigg.
"Congratulations! What's the inside scoop?"
"It's a 'search and retrieve' case."
"Oh come on, man, you have to hell me more than that."
"No way, that's top secret!"
After he downed the tequila the alcohol started flowing in him and his mouth loosened up a bit. "Well I guess I can tell you a little bit more," Hrigg finally said. "My mission is to locate Ness."
The bar filled with gasps of shock and then went completely silent. "I guess I said that louder than I thought," said Hrigg.
"Hey, I'm not running this place for you all to stare down my customers. Get back to your drinks!" shouted the bartender. Everyone complied. "Listen, I know a man who can help you, a man named Allos."
"Where can I find this 'Allos'?"
"He's scheduled to fight a match in the pit in ten minutes; if you head down there right now you can catch him before his match begins."
"Why not after?"
"He may not be conscious after."
"Good point."
"Tell the bouncer to go milk a cow."
Hrigg slapped fifty Meseta onto the table to pay for the drink and headed across the room toward the stairs by the back wall. The stairs descended into a dark hall with various old posters on the wall. As he walked he could make out the faces of various now dead or washed-up singers and actors. None of which were worth a second glance, but one poster in particular caught his eye. It looked newer than the other posters and the girl on it was someone he didn't recognize. It was too dark to read the writing so he pulled out his pocket light and held it up to the piece of paper. The light was dim, but enough to make the words readable. It read:
JOIN THE GRASPING HANDS!!!
Times are tough. The murder rates have reached a record high, and employment rates have reached a record low. To make matters worse, Void attacks have become more violent and more frequent.
When facing such tribulations wouldn't it be better to have protection? To have guidance? To have love? To have a helping Hand? Grasp the Hand and be given all these things plus more.
For more information, travel to sector Oberon: Level 1-10.
Hrigg paused for a bit after reading the poster. "Why would someone put up a poster in an obscure are of a run-down bar?" wondered Hrigg. He gingerly peeled it off the wall. He neatly, and quietly, folded it up and placed it in his pocket. He put the light back into his pocket with the poster and continued heading toward the pit.
As soon as he entered the light on the other side, a bouncer confronted him. "Do you have a ticket?" he asked.
"Oh just go milk a cow!" shouted Hrigg.
The bouncer looked surprised to a second, but quickly regained his composure. "Ah, so you know the password. Right this way."
The bouncer started walking toward yet another ill-lit hallway. Hrigg sighed and followed him.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 15:48 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 15:50 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 16:34 ]</font>
I dont want to seem to be jumping on a Bandwagon here, but the fic does seem to be going in the 'Ness is Great' direction. It doesnt seem very flattering or modest, and can be awkward to read.
Some rewriting may be able to fix this, give Ness a more modest role, bring the other characters up to his level.
Also some of the text didnt seem to read right either. "Hrigg Cried Like A Little Baby" doesnt seem like a description, but more of an insult (adding to the be-littling compared to Ness). Maybe if you reworded it it wouldnt seem so harsh.
It's all written in good fun; no hostility is intended. Also my role in this minor compare to the roles of the some of the other characters.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-18 16:24 ]</font>
A young Ness who's loved and admirated by all is minor?
Jesus Murphy on a flatbed truck, spare me the major, thanks!
"Sword logic? That's cute."
*EDIT*
I fucked up. See below post for chapter four.
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-19 13:12 ]</font>
Insulting and trying to 'fix' Ness' attitude is quite the sickly useless hobby.
Please, find something constructive to do with your time. ^_^
*EDIT* Added a bit more to Ch. 4
---------------------------------------
Chapter 4: The First Destination
The bouncer opened up the rusty door at the end of the hall and led him into what appeared to be a waiting room for all the fighters. Usually these places would have five or six fighters at once, but since this bar was relatively empty, there was only one.
"I take it that this must be Allos," assumed Hrigg. The bouncer just nodded.
Allos was a well-built man of about average height. He brushed his blonde hair out of his eyes and extended his hand. "I'm Allos," he said as the two of them shook hands.
"I'm Detective Hrigg, private investigator."
"Interesting, are you on a case?"
"Indeed. I heard you and Ness were good buddies."
"Yep. We fought against each other while I was in the DTPA, but after single handedly destroyed the group we, surprisingly, hit it off. It turns out that we were fighting for the same thing, but on different sides. Both of us wanted to create a peaceful, flourishing world where everyone could live in. But I ramble, what did you need?"
"Well as you probably know, Ness has disappeared."
"Go on."
"I've been hired to find him, but I don't have clue where to start."
"That's a very dangerous job. The Void is after Ness and will stop at nothing to get him. Ayone one caught in the middle will just get used, or abused. I say you back out of it right now."
"That's not an option for me, Allos. You see, I have other reasons for wanting to find Ness. The Void took somone precious from me and finding Ness may be the key to avenging her death."
"Ah, so this runs deeper than your next paycheck. All right I'll help you."
"AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME ALLOS INTO THE RING!" shouted a loud speaker.
"Well, I'll help you after I get done," said Allos as he ran toward the entrance to the pit floor.
Hrigg followed him to the entrance, but stopped shortly before entering the light. He decided to watch the match since he was already down there.
Allos walked to the center of the pit where he met his competitor. The referee said something to the both of them and the two fighters shook hands.
"AND NOW LET THE MATCH BETWEEN ALLOS AND GUNTHER BEGIN!" shouted the announce.
Both fighter put up their arms to block oncoming attacks and started circling around each other. Allos made the first move with a punch to the face.
Gunther grabbed his arm and kicked Allos in the back, causing him to stagger for a bit. Taking advantage of this moment, Gunther nailed Allos in the chest with a roundhouse kick. Allos bent over in pain. Gunther charged at him, but Allos looked up at him and smiled; he was only pretending to be hurt. Allos clothes-lined Gunther and sent him to the ground.
Gunther stood back up. "The spirit of the Hand flows through me, you shall not win!" shouted Gunther.
"I'm not into that religion stuff so I'll just kick your ass with my superior fighting skills!" retorted Allos.
Gunther tried to kick Allos in the face, but he grabbed Gunther's leg and flipped him over. Before he landed on the ground, Allos kicked him in the back and knocked him up into the air. Allos joined him with a great leap and appeared above him. "Now it's time for my Lion Strike!" shouted Allos. Allos's left foot started glowing orange and the audience gasped with awe. Allos slammed his foot into Gunther's chest and knocked him back on the ground from 20 feet into the air. Gunther landed flat on his back and was rendered unconscious. The crowd cheered.
"IT LOOKS LIKE ALLOS HAS WON!!!! THE PIT HAS A NEW CHAMPION!!!!!" shouted the announcer.
Allos started walking back toward where Hrigg was, but Gunther stood back up. "The Hand will tolerate this!" shouted Gunther. "For Its sake, I will terminate you!" He formed a green energy ball into his hand and hurled it at Allos. Allos turned around quickly, and fired an orange energy ray out of his hand. The Ray not only cancelled out the green ball, but it went through Gunther's chest and hit the wall behind him.
Chapter 4 (continued)
Gunther's lifeless body fell to the ground and everyone cheered.
"Don't worry about the body," said the referee. "The bouncers will take care of it."
Allos walked back over to where Hrigg was standing. Hrigg clapped for him and said, "That was a good fight. You even beat him after he cheated!"
"I did not want to kill him," said Allos. "Anyway, I promised you some information about Ness."
"Yes you did," confirmed Hrigg.
"However, in return I want you to help me out with something."
"Fine then, as long as I get the information I need."
"I don't know Ness's exact location, but I know the area he will be in. Have you every heard of the Untouched Lands?"
"You mean the once dead continent of Fresh Kills Landfill that Ness used his ego to mold the land into something more desirable?"
"Yes. Using his gigantic ego he turned that waste land into a thriving ecosystem full of forests and plains. If he's anywhere that's where he is; there are millions of places to hide there."
"Do you know how to get there?"
"Yes I do. I'll take you there as soon as you help me out."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to check out the Grasping Hands with me."
"What?"
"My instructor, Tact, went into their church and never came out--this was two months ago."
"Any reason why>"
"All he said is that he thought he found a connection."
"A connection between what?"
"Hell if I know."
Hrigg and Allos left the bar and got in Hrigg's car. Hrigg started the car and headed towards the Oberon sector. While driving Hrigg pulled the poster out of his pocket and handed it to Allos. "What the hell is this?"
"It's a Grasping Hands poster I ripped off the wall."
Allos unfolded it and immediately noticed the girl on the poster. She jet black hair and purple eyes that seemed to glow. She wore a loose purple robe, but parts of her voluptuous shape could still be seen.. "Who the sexy lady?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"Join Lisa Redart in worship of the Hand," read Allos. "Maybe she's a high priest or something."
"Hey don't fall in love with her yet," warned Hrigg. "We may have to kill her."
Allos chuckled. "Yeah, considering how the last guy reacted. The funny thing is he's not the first one to attack me."
"Really?"
"Yes. I have been attacked by three members, counting that last one. They all approached wanting to convert me and when I refused they all said then they had orders to kill you."
"Odd."
"Indeed. So where exactly is this place?"
"Oberon sector, Level 2."
"Oh man, that's a really bad part of town. I hope you have a weapon."
"I have Handguns Guld and Milla in the back seat and I have a Flame Visit in my trunk. I also have a Heaven's Punisher in my glove compartment."
"Damn!"
"So what do you have?"
"I have no weapons, but don't need them. Like Ness, I can utilize mana in battle, and I'm a martial artist."
"So does that mean you have telepathy like Ness?"
"No. I only learned how to use in combat."
"Ah."
The two of them continued to head toward Oberon Sector. After about thirty minutes of driving, the arrived at Oberon Sector. "So how do we know which one is the right building?" asked Allos.
"It's probably the one up ahead with the giant sign with hands on it," replied Hrigg. The two of the stopped a few feet away from the building and Hrigg turned off the car. He reached behind him, pulled out Guld and Milla, and stuck them in his holsters. They stepped out of the car and entered the building. They stepped into a small reception area that led to the preaching area. Through the large wooden doors they could hear the loud words of a male voice, "For Ness was far too egotisitcal to help anyone but himself and for that the Hands punished us all by covering up our sun!"
"They are using religion to spread anti-Ness sentiment!" declared Hrigg.
"It's a bunch of lies, too." said Allos. "Ness helped this place just as much as all the other council members, and it isn't his fault that our star is dying!"
"It's a sad thing. So many people are convinced the Ness is a self-serving egotist that they label everything he does as an attempt to stroke his ego, and blame everything that goes wrong on his ego."
"Ah, welcome friends! Have to come to worship the Hands today?" asked a tall black man wearing the same purple robe Lisa was.
"We're just checking it out right now," replied Allos.
"Well don't be afraid to go inside," said the man. He opened one of the large wooden door, revealing a large room packed with people. "By the way, I'm Alandor."
They all shook hands and then Allos and Hrigg stepped inside. The door closed the behind them and when they tried to open it again, it wouldn't budge. "Shit!" shouted Allos.
"Well," shouted the preacher. "It looks like we have two new visitors." A large, bright spotlight shined on Allos and Hrigg. "Well now, these aren't just any visitors, these are two special visitors! Everyone please welcome Hrigg and Allos to the congregation!" The roomed filled with cheers. "Now I will present a special person to meet with these two special visitors."
A man dropped from the sky and landed on his feet in front of Hrigg and Allos. He turned around and removed the purple hood covering his head, revealing his pink hair and green eyes.
"Tact?" asked Allos with confusion.
"It is me, Allos," he replied.
"Why are you with these people?"
"Because they have shown me the way of the Hands, just like they will show you the way."
Tact started to glow with an orange light brighter than the spotlight shinning on them. Allos and Hrigg shielded their faces and felt their bodies losing energy. Eventually they lost consciousness and fell to the floor.
"It's done," said Tact. "Alandor, take them to the 'converting' room."
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Ness on 2005-06-19 13:33 ]</font>
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