I think I might have a problem with forgiving people.

[CupOfCoffee]

The title says it all, I suppose. Some of you may remember one of the first posts I made under this name (yes, I was a different PSOW member before CupOfCoffee's join date... who? Why, that's a mystery!). The rant was called something like "I am Typical Clueless Male," and it was about my experiences with a girl. At the time, I still sort of considered her a half-friend. Now, though, she's nothing more than a bottom feeding jackal to me, and she's done nothing since the time I posted that first rant. In fact, I've barely even heard from her since then, and all correspondences were positive. So why do I still turn my nose up in disgust when I think about her? Probably the main thing was she never apologized for a lot of the nasty things she said to me, but still, I feel like most people would've stopped caring at this point. (This is not to say that I frequently think about this girl or feel mad about what happened--in fact, it just floated through my head for the first time in months this morning and I sort of laughed and said to myself, "What a tool." Then I realized that maybe it's unhealthy to still think of her as a tool after all this time. Hmmm.)

It's not just an isolated incident, either. Even here on the light-hearted and cosmically insignificant PSOW, I hold these longstanding grudges against random forum posters I've never met and in some cases haven't even ever posted or messaged to. It's kind of strange and I guess I'm glad it's a side of my personality that most people never see, because I'd say a good 90% of the time, I'm an extremely happy, care free, laid back individual who's never too busy to get a cup of coffee (haw haw) or watch a movie with a friend in need or even someone who's just bored. Maybe that's just it--the negativity that every person experiences to a certain extent just gets focused on these people I don't like and gets stronger and stronger because I'm normally so good natured? Maybe that's crazy speak and they'd put me in a padded cell if they ever saw this post. Or maybe I'm making a big deal outta nothin', and that's a bigger problem than anything. Haha.

Well, the bottom line is that I don't like this. I'm into the whole self-improvement thing and in the past year alone I've changed and grown up so much, and I think most of my old acquaintances wouldn't even recognize me as the same person they once knew, and that's a good thing. I've changed a lot for the better. But this little darkness is still hanging on and I wish it was something I could learn to escape, because forgiveness is swell. Hmm. Maybe someday I'll have another life-changing event or two and none of this will matter. Or maybe I just need to read more.

*cracks open The Little Prince*

G'day, all.

[KojiroAK]

Yeah, it's hard, you see all this little failures at you.
And you think, man, i shouldn't have this failures i should be smart enough.

But more you think the harder it's going for you.
And all this little failures shows up over and over again in your mind.

But see it this way:
Self improvement is a long way, but at least the way is the target, so as long you stay at the way you can't fail at the target.

(you = random person you, not personal you.)

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: KojiroAK on 2006-11-29 11:29 ]</font>

[HAYABUSA-FMW-]

Just don't send out any of those angry letters you write up, whether they are in a physical or mental form, and you'll be fine.

And granted when you read more or just in general have more life experiences after the incidents of grudges, those grudge creating memories will slowly but surely fade out as they get replaced with the new.

[navci]

I'd be careful not to piss you off then. :>
Well. Grudges are easy to hold. I don't really have advice because I am one of them grudge holders. Sometimes time to get rid of them. Sometimes you just need to focus more on other things and then you'd find that the grudge is gone? :<