I just remembered this place is a thing, so I'll be putting it here for anyone who wants it.
I was bored and decided to take some time to sloppily and surely inaccurately translate the player report. It was mostly just a time killer, but if I have more free time like I did today I'll do the other two.
http://analblaze.com/playerreport/player.html
If anyone has any contributions/suggestions to make please do. In fact, if anybody knows what the hell くっつけれ is, that'd be grand.