Wow! What a creative topic name! Someone put me in the hall of fame before I explode!!

Yeah right. Where's the fucking hall of fame? You have one for hockey, you have one maybe for books but nothing for the internet. Hell, nothing for the little creative blurbs we create in our Livejournals or the little pictures we take hours to design, just to end up with the little brother deleting everything "by accident".

Now take this into a real life perspective. Good morning, little Joe Average! Welcome to the world of Real Life! I will be your mother-in-chief, Mrs. Jane Average, and this is your father-in-command, Mr. John Average! In this game, you have more or less seventy-five years to grow up to be at least six feet and four inches tall and live in a state called "happy" by the l337 veterans that populate this huge online world. Remember now, kiddo, you have no Pause button, hit points are determined by pure dumb luck (so if your legs are weak, too bad, fuck you!) and your intelligence will depend on the type of society you live in. Yes! By having crappy parents, you can blame your stupidness on them! The law system will never suspect you! HA!

Alright, my dear little Joe Average. Now's the time for elementary school. This is boot camp for kids. You get to be laughed at because of your glasses or your crooked teeth. You get to be punched by the big bully at least twice a week (three times if you have a funny voice) and you get to be the reject for the next six years of your life. At this stage, you are such a fucking crappy person your parents actually need to prepare the food for you and give you money to go buy those little candies you love so much. In the meantime, you just keep on living. And if everything goes well (which rarely happens) you will have finished elementary school at the age of 12 years old or so.

What did you learn through those six years of school? How to read and write, how to write in an extremely codified language called "mathematics" and how to make little pieces of crappy artwork that don't even get to the heel of the Shit Mobile.

Okay, now that you are all trained for life (it fucking took you 12 years! Imagine this!!! You can reach level 200 in PSO in half that time for God's sake!) you will go to high school. This is just life boot camp, except that here, the bullies are stronger, you look even more pathetic, and this time, oh joy, school gets a little more difficult. Oh, how you will love studying like a total maniac while all your more intelligent buddies play basketball or some other sport that involves a nut-crasher like these infamous ovals called "footballs"!

Okay, now what courses do you have? Everything!!! Biology, a bit of physics, more maths, more language, more second language. Of cource, you still don't know if you want to be a hobo or a beggar, so they make you learn absolutely everything, and even when you finally decide on your little facy-ass dream job, they still don't get the hint and make you study everything!

Okay, language class I can understand. Teachers are so mad at the crappy level of English on the internet they have gone on a crusade for some fucking "language pride" or some other political and patriotic piece of shit. And they are scandalized at the number of mistakes in your essay, and they are totally angry because you say fuck every other second. Okay, no problem, I wanna write novels, I am willing to take some English classes.

What next? Second language! For you it might be something completely useless like French or Spanish. For me, I live in a province that's too anal-retentive to recognize English as being easier to learn and write. So what's my second language? English! I get to do this course with people who have no idea what all the words mean, and I bet you my own English level is better than the teacher's!

What else? Lookit here!!

CALCULUS! Is there something even more useless than this course? Listen. If I need to determine my speed, I look at the speedometer. If I want to know my exact position on the face of the earth, I look at the GPS screen. Ever heard of the story of the boat captain who was too stupid to use a GPS? He had his second in command perform a shitload of calculations, only to look at the result and shout to his men "Everyone stand straight and proud! We are right in front of Her Majesty at the BUCKINGHAM PALACE OF LONDON!!!"

CHEMISTRY! Hey, Einstein, look at my face? Do I have the face of a chemist? Yo, wake the hell up! I want to be a PILOT. A PILOT! The only chemical piece of shit an airplane has is a load of fuel and a battery! And I don't think I will ever feel the need to calculate the number of moles of kerosene in my fuel tank. Chemistry is for chemists. Not for pilots! Wake the fuck up!!

PHYSICS! Oh wow, lookit me! I am gonna calculate the kinetic energy my airplane will produce if it ever crashes into the new World Trade Center! This way I'll prove to you that I can theoretically blow myself up into pieces! Now let's go see what happens in practice, if you don't get the hint already!! And then there's light and sound. Okay. Knowledge of light particles won't make my eyes see in the dark. The only thing my physics course has ever given me is major brain damage.

PHILOSOPHY! I am smart! I learn Plato and Socrates! Listen. This is past history. And the proof has already been given: philosophy came BEFORE the philosophy course. If I want to do philosophy, I will do it when I want, where I want!

HISTORY! Another course that just makes you look smart? Hey, when you tell your friend at what second exactly they did drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, do you think he gives a flying fuck?!

Now what you are through wasting your life away for five more years, you get to college and university! In this phase, you are still too much of a retard to decide on a job, so you do different programs two or three times until you finally realize that being a hobo probably isn't so bad after all. But no, you'll change your mind again and decide to become some computer technician, because at least you can chat over ICQ while you watch the company server.

And now that you are all ready to become the world's pawn, we will introduce you to the game's scoring mode: AMERICAN DOLLARS! The more you have, the better you are! The more you have, the cooler your rice rocket will be, the bigger your home will be, the bigger your fucking surround sound system will be! And be sure to spend it all, because at the end, you have no hall of fame to go in! No, nothing, nada! No one will give a fuck if you have earned a million bucks in your life! You can't put in your initials on a high score table with your amount of money there! No such thing exists! Remember, this game is called Real Life, the most frustrating and shitty game ever to be created! When you die, you are forced to give all your cash away to some lame-ass son or daughter who obviously is even more of a retard than you. And thus you finish your life the same way you started it: as a wrinkled, dirty, ugly piece of shit that looks like it's midway through decomposition.

Add to it the various enemies you will encounter through the game (Al Quaeda, street gangs, punks, police, parents, school mates, ricers, IRS, tourists etc.) and you will soon find out that this is not a community game as advertised, God no! Real Life is a game where you must be as evil as possible, by being better than everyone else and making them do all the dirty job for you while you earn their money. Yes! If you agree to get a burn-out at the age of 24 you will be allowed into the world of the l337 and get to run some company or another and have it more or less easy. In the meantime, you will always watch the news with your stressful eyes because you fear the stock market will crash or you believe one of the people who was killed at Moscow actually worked for your sales department. Add to it tragedies, bad weather and terrorists who believe that the entire fucking universe is infidel to the core and that the only one to actually be the God almighty is Osama bin fucking Lamer and you will soon realize that all you managed to do by buying the game of Real Life is that the one who made it just fucked another customer up the ass. With six billion morons on the face of this planet, methinks that for a motherfucker he at least had some great arguments to push you into buying his shit.

And, since we are in the same line of thinking, I am certain, absolutely certain that some moron is gonna come up here, read two or three lines and say "thats sad" or "tis is lame" and cause yet another ruckus that'll force Lollipoplolita to lock this thread before Greg notices me and registers just to add his two dollars to all this.

Happy flaming!! I'm paying the gas!!!

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: KodiaX987 on 2002-10-28 10:12 ]</font>