Twilight
Sup fellow manly dudes. Jack here. I thought I'd take a few moments out of my day to write up this quick guide to enjoying the popular teen girl movie Twilight. Contrary to popular manly dude belief, it is not impossible for a manly dude like you or me to enjoy this cheesy high school vampire romance movie. We've had the key to unlock our appreciation of this movie since January 16th, 1991, the date that the first episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark aired in the United States (thanks Wikipedia). You see, I figured out within the first one minute of this film that it's basically a very long, very girl-friendly episode of AYAOTD. It's a vampire episode, of course, so it would probably have been told by Betty Ann. Let me give you a quick SparkNotes version of the movie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Betty Ann: "Sorry I'm late guys, I had to tutor that dumb kid who's always flicking crackers at people during lunch!"
Frank: "I don't know why you put up with that kid, he's such a pee-brain!"
Gary: "Now Frank, let's remember the golden rule..."
Betty Ann: "Actually, Frank, he's really very nice if you get to know him. Just like vampires. I know we all tell stories about vampires around this fire like they're some type of evil monsters, but just think--what if there was one... that wasn't?"
All: (oooohhhh)
Betty Ann: "Submitted for the approval... of the Midnight Society... I call this story... The Tale... of Twilight."
Betty Ann's narration: "Bella was a gloomy, lonely girl who lived in a cool city, but her mom and step dad mailed her to Washington for the summer because they needed some alone time. Even though it was summer, Bella had to go to school in Washington, and she didn't like it very much. Her dad was kind of weird and the town smelled kind of like worms or something, and people kept looking at her like she was some kind of lame-brain."
Bella: "Hi everyone, I'm Bella."
Kids (sarcastically): "Did you hear something? I thought I just heard the wind!"
Bella: (rolls eyes and walks away as optimistic 90s music plays)
Betty Ann's narration: "One boy in particular, Edward, was really mean to Bella. But she kept trying to get to know him because he looked like Christopher Walken. One day, Bella and Edward had just got through being freaked out by each other when a car tried to hit Bella. Luckily, Edward was a total Mary-Sue, and he used his magical psychic super powers to save her and make her fall in love with him. Also his eyes change color when he gets angry, and he's over 100 years old."
Bella: "Why did you save me? Why are you so flippin' awesome at everything? How did you GET these powers!?"
Edward (turning and staring at the camera with a horrified look on his face): "I... DON'T KNOW!"
(Shot turns negative as words scroll up the screen explaining that Edward is actually a vampire who for some reason goes to high school even though he's like 100.)
Betty Ann's narration: "Bella and Edward were super in love, but he had to stay away from her because she smelled so dece that Edward wanted to kill her."
Edward: "Your scent... is like heroin to me."
Bella: "That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me... Edward, I love you so much I would die for you! By the way, I'm 17, how old are you?"
Edward: "Like 100."
Bella: "That's hot."
Edward: "NO, I CAN'T BE NEAR YOU, AAAGHGHHHHGHH!"
Betty Ann's narration: "After an hour and a half of vampirism as a metaphor for budding teen sexuality, Edward and Bella end up playing superhero baseball together, and another, much-less-sweet-and-handsome-and-perfect-than-Edward vampire smelled her, and decided that he had to tap/eat that. There was some big battle in a hotel or a dance studio or something where Edward got super pissed off at the other vampire and flipped out on him like Johnny Cage, and Bella was saved. Bella and her dad became best friends and she realized that maybe all vampires aren't bad... and that every time God closes a door, he opens a window. The end."
Midnight Society: "Wow... great story, Betty Ann! Really scary!"
Betty Ann: "Thanks! Hey Gary, do you wanna go to the prom with me?"
Gary: "Well Betty Ann... sure! It's the 90s after all! We can do whatever we want!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So remember guys, even if you somehow end up seeing this movie, it's not like there's absolutely no way you can enjoy yourself. Just remember the AYAOTD archetype plot: an unhappy kid gets sent to live with strange relatives for the summer, one relative is mean, together the kid and the mean relative solve some sort of supernatural mystery or fight some type of awesome battle, the two kids become best friends, and everyone learns not to judge a book by its cover. The end.
"Bella... I... I can't... I can't talk to you here in front of my locker right now... I gotta go outside... you see, there's this guy, named Phil. Always.. steals my parking spot..."
"Don't worry Edward, that's okay. I have to... go over here and be clumsy anyway... Um... Hey, maybe you could come over later and play Sega Genesis or Pogs or whatever else it is we do here in the 90s..."
"Awesome... Bella... there's something I need to tell you... about me. See, I know I may be impossibly sensitive, and handsome, and great, and strong, and all that... but deep down inside, past my black, twisted, vampire heart... all I really want is to hold a socially awkward, gloomy, sorta unfriendly chick who looks like Sigourney Weaver."
"Oh Edward! Take me now!"
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by loukaras
Connect With Us