[Deprecated] Story Patch Thread

[Zyrusticae]

Blue tablets will show up randomly and can do so any number of times. You'll know if you've already watched a tablet by its color (blue means you haven't seen it yet, grey means you have).

[Ezodagrom]

A mistake and a place that needs a line break from blue event tablets.

misserable -> miserable

Spoiler!

Line "It's not as much about photon ability as it is about motivation. I usually don't care about getting stronger."
Needs a line break before the don't. (I must note that while I didn't take a picture from the text bubble during the scene, the line was like that in the text bubble too).

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[Caledonia]

Don't know if I missed these in the proofread or if I just didn't save the fixes, but;

Marlu's not talking "about" anyone...

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Huey:

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That first "to" should be "too"

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That should be "solely" -missing an "l"

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Gettemhart and Melphonsina/Sheena (surname?)

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don't need the "'ve" on "You"

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"falter" I'm sure "Faulter" is a word, but I'm not sure it means the exact same...

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"Jealous" and I know I fixed that one!

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This one on matterboard four, I know the "Well?" is short for "is it going well?" but I didn't catch that playing it because she was actually saying something about me not having energy; I though the "Well?" was inviting a response, then her reply was somewhat disjointed, so maybe change that to "Are you doing well?"

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[Punisher106]

I'm going to go ahead and say that I laughed so hard at this translation.

[Anduril]

I noticed this error in one of the Blue tablets; just a couple of mixed up letters (Matser, exscue). I can't remember the name, but I know it had something to do with weaklings.

[Kion]

I'm going to go ahead and say that I laughed so hard at this translation.

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I can't remember writing that. Actually I went back and looked, I can't even find that text in the file.... However it got in there, I've definitely been watching too much lagtv.

And sorry for the complete lack of updates, mostly because there haven't been any . I burned myself out doing the story in a short amount of time. My brain has left on vacation, so I've just been playing pso2 and catching up on sleep and work I was putting off. I'll start on tutorials, um eventually. I tried looking at the message packs, the problem is that they don't seem to have too much use aside from explanations. Plus things like enemies, I'm not using the translation patch, so having to cross reference the name standardization for every enemy in the game is a huge pain. So if anyone wants to get started I can post the text here.

https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B2Mm...tieGVFVW8/edit

[Blackheart521]

I also saw a Blue Tablet where Lisa said "Is Lisa really that fucked up?" or something along those lines, I believe it was in F. Continent.

[Maronji]

Spoiler!

Spoiler!

Hey you Arks there! -> Hey, you there!
(or could probably be better phrased >v<; anyone have a better one that can fit 1 line?)

I want to say, "Hey, you there! Yeah, you, the guy/person/[insert noun here] from Arks!", but... eh. *shrugs*

Blue Tablet: The Darkers Are Multiplying

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they and 're are separated in another line

It's a list, so there needs to be a comma after many. Also, consider adding "of them" before the needed comma to clarify what there is "too many" of.
"They don't talk, there are too many [of them], and no one has any idea what they're after yet."

Blue Tablet: To be honest, I'm nervous

Spoiler!

somethign -> something

I don't know the context for this particular line in this event, but I want to say that first question mark should be a period. I say this because it doesn't logically follow that you'd say that in a questioning manner and then asking a question immediately after that. Alternatively, if she's "repeating something the character (possibly) said", consider changing it to ["I'm alone"...? What, is there something wrong with that?] to show that she's questioning why the player would have to point that out.

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That first "to" should be "too"

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That's a perfect example of a comma splice. Either change the comma to a semi-colon or make it into two separate sentences.

Am I the only one who cares about that sort of thing, though? I seem to be the only one reporting cases of comma splices and run-on sentences...

That should be "solely" -missing an "l"

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This is a line I have a few problems with.

"selected solely on power"? I'm not sure that reads quite as smoothly as you guys think it does, but the way I'd want to rewrite it might be too long or might lose details that should be there regardless. Again, without proper context, I can't say for sure.

How about something like "Members of the Council are selected solely [by power/for their power]. They are the role models for the rest of the organization!" It eliminates the sentence fragment and reads a bit more smoothly, but it's up to you.

don't need the "'ve" on "You"

Spoiler!

Consider using the phrase "[barely] scraping by" in place of "getting along". It sounds better and is more precise in conveying what Gettemhalt means.

"falter" I'm sure "Faulter" is a word, but I'm not sure it means the exact same...

Spoiler!

Maybe it's just me, but this sentence looks like a mess as well.

Perhaps something like "You falter too much in combat. You lack the will to absolutely destroy your enemies." would read a little better, but I can't think of a suitable replacement for "in your fighting". All I know is something about that phrase feels/reads awkward.

This one on matterboard four, I know the "Well?" is short for "is it going well?" but I didn't catch that playing it because she was actually saying something about me not having energy; I though the "Well?" was inviting a response, then her reply was somewhat disjointed, so maybe change that to "Are you doing well?"

Spoiler!

My only note for this line is that there needs to be a comma after "If not".

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I'm going to go ahead and say that I laughed so hard at this translation.

I won't lie. I laughed too.

Somehow, however, that doesn't feel right. I'll have to do that mission on Yurima or get up to that point on Runchiyo and listen to the line, because it just doesn't connect to me as something Zeno would say. Until I come up with an alternative, however, "just" needs to be moved before "now".

Spoiler!

I noticed this error in one of the Blue tablets; just a couple of mixed up letters (Matser, exscue). I can't remember the name, but I know it had something to do with weaklings.

You forgot to point out the rogue quotation mark at the top of the message log.

Am I being too strict about this, or is my "writer's hat" just in full-throttle right now?

On the other hand, I really need to go through my videos and point out anything I can spot with the relevant time-stamp. I also need to go back and construct the Table of Contents for all of them.

[Anduril]

Spoiler!

I want to say, "Hey, you there! Yeah, you, the guy/person/[insert noun here] from Arks!", but... eh. *shrugs*


It's a list, so there needs to be a comma after many. Also, consider adding "of them" before the needed comma to clarify what there is "too many" of.
"They don't talk, there are too many [of them], and no one has any idea what they're after yet."



I don't know the context for this particular line in this event, but I want to say that first question mark should be a period. I say this because it doesn't logically follow that you'd say that in a questioning manner and then asking a question immediately after that. Alternatively, if she's "repeating something the character (possibly) said", consider changing it to ["I'm alone"...? What, is there something wrong with that?] to show that she's questioning why the player would have to point that out.

Spoiler!

That's a perfect example of a comma splice. Either change the comma to a semi-colon or make it into two separate sentences.

Am I the only one who cares about that sort of thing, though? I seem to be the only one reporting cases of comma splices and run-on sentences...


This is a line I have a few problems with.

"selected solely on power"? I'm not sure that reads quite as smoothly as you guys think it does, but the way I'd want to rewrite it might be too long or might lose details that should be there regardless. Again, without proper context, I can't say for sure.

How about something like "Members of the Council are selected solely [by power/for their power]. They are the role models for the rest of the organization!" It eliminates the sentence fragment and reads a bit more smoothly, but it's up to you.


Consider using the phrase "[barely] scraping by" in place of "getting along". It sounds better and is more precise in conveying what Gettemhalt means.


Maybe it's just me, but this sentence looks like a mess as well.

Perhaps something like "You falter too much in combat. You lack the will to absolutely destroy your enemies." would read a little better, but I can't think of a suitable replacement for "in your fighting". All I know is something about that phrase feels/reads awkward.


My only note for this line is that there needs to be a comma after "If not".

Spoiler!

I won't lie. I laughed too.

Somehow, however, that doesn't feel right. I'll have to do that mission on Yurima or get up to that point on Runchiyo and listen to the line, because it just doesn't connect to me as something Zeno would say. Until I come up with an alternative, however, "just" needs to be moved before "now".

Spoiler!

You forgot to point out the rogue quotation mark at the top of the message log.

Am I being too strict about this, or is my "writer's hat" just in full-throttle right now?

On the other hand, I really need to go through my videos and point out anything I can spot with the relevant time-stamp. I also need to go back and construct the Table of Contents for all of them.

So I did. :P Anyway, I think you are right with most of your edits, and looking through some of them here are my thoughts.
For Huey's line, I would say that he is using "Arks" like one would use an occupation to replace a name, so maybe some thing more like, "Hey, you there! Arks!" like you would say "Hey, Coach!"
For Klotho, I don't think adding "of them" would be necessary for that line considering the context, and it may just be redundant since the implied subject is the Darkers.
Council of Six line: I want to say that maybe changing the sentence to, "Selection for the Council of Six is based solely on power, so they can act as role models for the rest of the organization!" would work.
Getem 2: Not too sure how literal the translation of the term "absolute" is, but it feels a bit odd to me. Maybe something along the lines of "You falter too much as you fight, and lack the will to utterly destroy your enemies."
I personally feel that the inclusion of expletives like "fuck" derail from the meaning of sentences and character personalities. I came across the earlier mentioned "Is Lisa really that fucked up?" and it just felt wrong. I understand wanting to use it to give strong emphasis, but it can also just be distracting.
I'm going to start going through more of the tablets to see what I can do help further improve the quality of this project since it is a major step in making the game accessible to more people.

[Maronji]

You raise some good points. I have no problems with any of them.

On a side-note, it's times like this when the community can get together to work on stuff like this that feels strangely fulfilling.